The Trick Is To Keep Breathing
by ashly815
Summary: Nathan and Haley Scott had the perfect life, but nothing in life had prepared them for what happened that fateful night over four months ago. With both of them broken, they'll learn that the more you love someone the harder it is to let go.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own One Tree Hill, or any of the characters, except the made up ones. It belongs to Mark Schwahn and the CW.**

Summary: Nathan and Haley Scott had the perfect life, but nothing in life had prepared them for what happened that fateful night over four months ago. With both of them broken, they'll learn that the more you love someone the harder it is to let go.

AN: Hey, guys. So this is my new story. I hope you like it and let me know what you think. Special thanks to Brittany for helping me with it.

_Chapter One –The World Spins Madly On_

_Nathan sat at the large table drumming his fingers steadily against his leg. The blurred voices of the two older men going back and forth had long been lost on him. He stopped paying attention long ago as they tried to settle things. He felt like he had been in this room countless times over the years. They were all the same to him. Only now things were different. He wasn't one of the lawyers going back and forth trying to negotiate things. He was the client._

_His sighed heavily, his eyes glued to her as she sat across the table from him. He didn't know how things had gotten to this point in his life. There she was, his wife, looking like she wanted to be anywhere but here. He tired hard to get her attention but that hadn't worked. In fact, since she walked into the room, she hadn't glanced at him once. Her arms were folded over her chest as she glanced off blankly out the window. It was something that she had been doing for months now and he hated it._

_Sometimes he felt like shaking her until she woke up._

_He knew that wouldn't help matters –nothing would. Somehow everything in his life had lead up to this moment and he couldn't fight it anymore. He was tired of fighting. It seemed like lately all he had been doing was fighting to keep his life and it hadn't worked. He had tried everything. In the end it didn't matter. She had given up on them long before he had. This was her fault. It was easy now to put all the blame on her._

_She was the one that had given up on them. She was the one that stopped believing in them. She was the one that had shut him out and decided to stop living. She had been the one to push him away. This was all on her._

_In his mind he knew that it wasn't all her fault. It takes two and he had his fair share in what had happened between them. This wasn't all on her. Still, it was easy to blame her. He hadn't wanted things to turn out like this. She just didn't seem to care. Hell, she didn't seem to care about anything these days, not even herself._

_He felt a pang of sadness hit him as she bit her bottom lip. It was something that she had done often when she was nervous and his first instinct was to rush to her side and hold her hand and tell her everything was going to be alright. Sure, he could do that. But he knew it wouldn't work. His efforts to be there for her were never enough. He was never enough._

_He knew that now. He accepted it. It was over. Just like all things come to an end, so did they. No matter how much the good memories of their marriage weighed out the bad, it still wasn't enough. The bad had done too much damage to both of them and there was no going back. It would be pointless to fight it. If the last few months proved anything, it was that. There was simply nothing left to fight for. She just didn't love him anymore and he couldn't make her._

_In the beginning he had fought so hard to prevent this. Still, darkness consumed every inch of her. She was angry and was dealing with things in her own way, he knew that. But hadn't he been angry, too? Hadn't he been in pain? Hadn't he wanted to just give up and stop living? He had. The pain was so bad that all he wanted to do was never feel anything ever again._

_Anger rushed through his whole being. He could feel it pulsating within him. He clenched his fists under the table. Over an hour of sitting here and still nothing from her. It's as if he hadn't existed to her, as if he never had. Like so many times in the past he wanted to shake her. He wanted her look at him and at least acknowledge him –them. It seemed like they had never been. That's what it felt like when he was around her, like they were nothing._

_All those amazing memories of their marriage would just disappear when she was around. They would all turn dark like she sucked the life right out of them, which in his mind she had. How could she pretend that what they had never happened? How could she give up so easily? How could…_

_These questions plagued his mind over the months. He wanted answers that he'd never get. Getting them would require her to talk to him and she didn't talk to him anymore. They used to talk for hours and hours about nothing…everything. Now, not even a word. It was simply as if he had never existed, like he hadn't been by her side over the years, like they hadn't faced everything together, like they were never anything._

_He didn't understand it. She was the best part of him. Didn't she get that? Didn't she understand what she was to him?_

_He wanted to scream he was so angry. He wanted to let all his anger and pain out in one long loud scream. He knew it would make him feel better. He was so tempted to do it right now in front of everyone. Let them hear his pain, he didn't care. He wanted her to feel it. He wanted her to know that she was killing everything in him. He wanted her to hear what she caused. Maybe, then she'd wake up from this endless nightmare that had been his life for the last four months._

_But he knew that that would take a miracle. _

_No, he stopped praying for miracles, he stopped believing. Why should he believe in anything? Everything that ever mattered to him was being ripped away from him. There was nothing left of him. He was empty. Everything that made him who he was was gone. He was broken in every sense of the word and nothing could put him back together. The only person that could couldn't even bear to look at him anymore. _

"_Sir." _

_He felt someone shaking his arm and he glanced at the old man next to him. His mouth was moving and he tired his best to pay attention. He hated when his clients seemed out of it. Well, now he got it. When your life is over it's pretty much hard to concentrate on anything. Once he understood what the old man was asking him, he clenched his jaw before looking away angrily. _

"_Give her whatever she wants." _

_The old man seemed relieved to finally have this over with. The tension in the room had been thick since they all entered. His eyes went back to watching her. He couldn't help it. He had spent most of his life watching her and he didn't think that would ever change. It was something that he was used to doing. She was his…or at least she used to be. _

_The papers were pushed in front of him a second later. Lifting the pen up he glanced over what he was signing. It was the end of them and when he thought about it, the end of his life as well. He really had nothing left to live for. He felt his heart aching in his chest. Glancing up, he watched as she signed the papers like it was nothing –like they were nothing. Then she was up and rushing out of the room, away from him. He watched her go angrily wishing with everything in him that he could bring her back in here and make her watch him the way he had watched her. He tossed the pen down and rushed after her. He could hear his lawyer yelling for him to go back and sign the papers but he didn't care._

_She did this. This was her fault and he was going to make her watch just as he had. She didn't get to run away, not anymore. He wasn't going to let her._

"_Haley!"_

_He shouted her name loudly as he rushed around the huge building looking for her. It didn't matter that people were staring at him like he was crazy as he shouted out to her and pushed through them. They could judge him all they wanted. He didn't care. He didn't care about anything…not anymore. His life was over. He had nothing left to live for._

_He searched the endless crowd of people for her but still nothing. She was nowhere to be found, gone forever. Pain like he never felt before flooded his body and he yelled as loud as he could in agony._

"Haley!"

"Mr. Scott. Mr. Scott, wake up." He felt her hand on him shaking him awake and he shot up quickly, his head leaving his desk before he glanced around. Once he realized where he was he glanced at her. She looked at him concerned. He glanced away before running his hands over his face. How had he fallen asleep at work yet again?

"I'm sorry," Nathan muttered.

"Another nightmare?"

He glared at her. "It was nothing."

"You were screaming her name again, Nathan."

"Carrie," Nathan started in frustration. "I told you it was nothing. Now, stop asking questions and get back to work. You work for me remember?"

"Yes, Sir," Carrie nodded before walking from around his desk.

He felt bad instantly. She was just trying to help him. He knew that. And she wasn't just someone that worked for him. He knew her from way back when he was younger. They went to school together before he had moved to Tree Hill with his family. They had a history, one that he tired to forget. But that didn't give him the right to talk to her like that.

"I'm sorry," Nathan repeated as he leaned back into his chair. "I didn't mean that. Thanks for waking me. I didn't get much sleep last night."

"It's ok, Nathan. Really, I get it. Remember my offer still stands. I'm here whenever you need me." She smiled at him before biting her bottom lip. She stayed staring at him and he glanced away.

"Thanks," Nathan mumbled.

"Well, anyway. I was coming to check on you anyway. It's getting late and you're the last one here. I don't want you to be late again."

"Right," Nathan nodded. She left his office and he glanced at the clock. He still had a few minutes. He took his time getting himself together. He couldn't leave. Not like this. His father would kill him if he knew how much he had been slacking off at work. He hadn't meant to fall asleep. Really, he hadn't. It just seemed like the only time that he could get any sleep was when he was here.

He ran his fingers through his hair. His eyes scanned his desk at the paperwork that filled just about every inch of the surface. Things had just seemed to pile up lately. He was so good at getting everything done but recently it hadn't been that way. He had too many cases to deal with all at once. Didn't his father understand that?

His eyes found the picture sitting next to his computer. Anger swell inside of him and before he could stop himself, the picture slammed against the wall, shattering. He felt bad immediately and was on his knees lifting the picture up. He glanced at it again. Now, at least it seemed to look right, a happy family broken. The glass was cracked in the middle, the long line running through the whole frame. He took his time picking out the glass and tossing it into the trashcan. Once he was finished he sat back at his desk and buzzed for Carrie.

"You need something?"

"Can you bring me another frame? This one fell again," Nathan told her.

His eyes stayed glued to the picture and he regretted the anger he felt from before. The nightmare that had consumed his sleep was starting to get to him. He hated closing his eyes. He hated sleeping. Sleeping only brought on the nightmares and he didn't want to live any of those. It's why he was always so exhausted and tired. Then again, it's not like staying up helped matters.

Carrie walked into his office again and handed him a frame. He was sure that she was buying them in the bulk at the rate he had been breaking them. He placed the picture in the new frame as she bent over his desk and started fixing his files. Once he was finished he placed the picture right back where it had been for years now. It was only then that he noticed her breasts hanging out in front of him. He glanced at her exposed chest for only a second before quickly looking away. Guilt rushed through him. Before he could do something else stupid, he stood up and reached of his briefcase.

"Go home, Carrie," Nathan instructed.

"I don't mind hanging around and cleaning this up for you," Carrie smiled.

He shook his head before smiling. "You've done enough. Get out of here and go have some fun. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Ok," Carrie smiled back. Before he knew it she had her hand on his arm. "Call me if you need _anything_." Her hand rubbed his arm soothingly and he stood there waiting for her to stop. She did seconds later before leaving his office. He knew that she was just trying to be a good friend but it still felt wrong. It made him feel like he was doing something wrong. Before he could think about it further, he left his office and made his way to his Range Rover.

He took off slowly pulling away from the law firm that he shared with his father. The streets of Tree Hill were quiet and it wasn't long before he was parking his car. He got out slowly and started for the door. The shadow of his brother could be seen out the living room and he smiled. He let everything else leave him like always.

He didn't bother to knock. He walked right in and laughter filled his ears. His smile brightened at the sound of it. After this terrible day it was good to hear this.

"Hey, guys," Nathan greeted.

"Daddy!"

As if his son could fly, he jumped off the coffee table and into his arms. Nathan hugged him tight. His little red cape was secure around his neck as he pulled away and smiled at Nathan.

"Hey, Jimmy Jam. Did you have fun with Uncle Lucas today?"

Jamie nodded. "It was so cool. Uncle Lucas let me help with the team!"

"Is that right?" Nathan chuckled.

"He was great," Lucas grinned. "You should've seen him, Nate."

"Sorry, I missed it."

"The guys are so good, Daddy," Jamie rushed out with a grin. Nathan smiled before glancing at his brother. Lucas shook his head and Nathan chuckled. Lucas had been having trouble with the team lately. Lucas was trying to get the team ready for the start of the season but it was easier said than done.

"Look, who woke up."

Nathan glanced to his side as he heard his sister-in-laws voice. She was smiling brightly as she held her daughter in her arms. Just like always he felt a pang of sadness at the sight of her and along with it he felt guilty for even feeling that way. He knew that he had no right. But it was how he felt.

"Can I play with her?" Jamie questioned.

Lindsey walked over to him and bent down. "You sure can. Let's just set her up here." He watched as Jamie helped Lindsey place the baby blanket on the ground before she placed Lexi on it. Once Jamie started tickling the baby she started laughing, Nathan glanced away. He noticed his brother staring at him and he glanced at him for a second before quickly looking away. He didn't want to see that look from his brother. It was bad enough that he had gotten that look from just about everyone else. He didn't need that look from his brother, the one that said Lucas felt sorry for him.

"You like that huh, Lexi?" Lindsey cooed.

"Look she's pulling me finger," Jamie said excitedly as he grinned up at Lindsey. Nathan glanced down and noticed Lexi squeezing Jamie's finger with her hand as she tried hard to pull it to her mouth. She was so beautiful. Just like her mother. Lexi rolled herself over and started crawling. Once she reached the sofa she pulled herself up and started walking as she held onto the edge of it. Jamie held out his arms for her.

"Come on. Walk to me," Jamie said playfully. Lexi smiled before letting go and stumbling towards Jamie. She wasn't walking perfectly yet but she was trying. She made it to Jamie's arms a few seconds later and giggled loudly.

"Good girl," Lindsey smiled at her.

When he couldn't listen anymore, he took off for the porch. The cool night air felt good and he took a seat in one of the chairs as he glanced out into the darkness. Most days he could handle being here, being around them. He hardly ever got this way. But he couldn't keep it in all the time and why stay in there and torture himself? He didn't want to feel this way about his brother and his family. He loved Lucas. Lucas was his best friend. He had been his whole life. He was glad that his brother was finally happy.

Lucas and Lindsey had been married for two years now. She had been Lucas' editor and they had hit it off right away. The next thing Nathan knew his brother was in love once again. After seeing his brother down for so long, he was happy. Lindsey was great, perfect for Lucas. It didn't surprise him that they got married just a year after dating. They were happy and he was happy for them even if he couldn't bear to watch them sometimes. It had nothing to do with them. Really, it didn't.

It was minutes later when he heard his brother walk onto the porch and take a seat in the chair next to him. They sat in silence for minutes both just staring out into the night. He didn't know how many times over the last few months that they had done this. It had been a lot, he was sure of it. Lucas had this amazing way of being there for him whenever he needed it. It seemed like the last few months he had needed it more than ever.

"You ok?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," Nathan replied quickly. He didn't need Lucas worrying about him. But even then he knew that Lucas would. He didn't know why he bothered lying anymore. Lucas always could read him like a book.

"How was work? Is it good being back?"

"Good," Nathan muttered. "I didn't realize how many cases had piled up on my desk with me gone. It seems impossible to catch up with it all."

"You will."

"I sure hope so. I can't expect dad to handle everything."

"He understands," Lucas pointed out. "No one expects anything from you, Nate."

"Thanks again for taking care of Jamie for me," Nathan told him.

"We don't mind," Lucas grinned. "Lindsey loves having the company during the day. It's usually just her and Lex while I'm at work. We love having Jamie around. He makes things interesting. She took him to the park today. She said he had a lot of fun."

"That's good," Nathan smiled. It was good that Jamie was having fun. He needed for Jamie to be happy and having fun. It was the only thing that was keeping him together. If it hadn't been for Jamie then he'd be lost. Taking care of Jamie gave him something important to do so that he didn't feel useless.

The door opened and Lindsey poked her head out laughing. "You guys staying for dinner?"

"Not tonight," Nathan shook his head. "But thanks."

"You sure? We've got more than enough," Lindsey added.

"We should get home," Nathan apologized as he stood up. "But thanks for watching Jamie for me. It means a lot. I'll go get him. Thanks again." He left them standing on the porch together as he walked inside. Jamie was still lying on his stomach and playing with Lexi when he walked into the living room. He watched them for a second before lifting Jamie's bag in his hands. "You ready, buddy?"

"Yep," Jamie nodded. "Bye, Marshmallow." He leaned done and kissed Lexi's face as she started giggling. She reached for his face and tried to pull him back towards her but Jamie quickly stood up and smiled at her before waving.

"Marshmallow?" Nathan questioned with a chuckle.

Jamie grinned. "She's so fat like a _giant _marshmallow."

"I see," Nathan chuckled. "Let's get home, knuckle head." They said their goodbyes and left. Nathan took his time driving home. Before he knew it, they were pulling up to the huge house that they had lived in for years now. He pulled the car into the garage. He took a few seconds before turning off the car and getting out. Once he got Jamie out of his car seat, they started for the door. The inside of the house was gloomy just like he knew it would be. It had been so radiant before but now, it took everything in him to walk into the place. Still, it was their home.

"Did you have fun at the park today?"

"Yep," Jamie nodded. "I played with Lexi on the swings."

"That's great –" his words died on his lips as they made it to the hallway. The sight before him pulled his heart in a million different directions. He bent down and made Jamie face him instantly. "How about you go practice on your jump shot and I'll be back there in a few minutes to help you?"

"Sweet." Jamie dashed out of the living room, through the kitchen, and the out the back door. Once the door was closed he stood up slowly and made his way into the living room. He kneeled on the side of the sofa.

He brushed her long blonde locks from her face, the sight of her heavy on his heart. Her face was still red and puffy and he was certain that she cried herself to sleep. He swallowed the lump in his throat before lifting her in his arms like he did some many times in his life before. She snuggled into him instinctively, her body fitting perfectly into his arms, as her head fell on his shoulder. He carried her slowly up the stairs not wanting to wake her.

Once he reached their room he placed her on the bed reluctantly. Then he just sat next to her and watched her sleep. Reaching out, his hand brushed her cheek softly, wanting nothing more than for his touch to bring her back to life. When she leaned into his touch smiling, he felt a little piece of ice break around his heart. He knew she was only dreaming and it wasn't real. But still he continued to caress her cheek lovingly as she smiled in her sleep. He wondered what she was dreaming about. It was only in these moments that he could pretend that everything was right in the world.

In his mind he could easily see himself leaning down and kissing her. She would kiss him back and then he'd crawl under the covers with her and make love to her over and over again. He wanted that more than anything, but he knew it wasn't going to happen. He wanted to sit here and watch her. But reality set in and he had Jamie to think about.

"I love you so much," Nathan whispered.

Leaning down, he kissed her forehead softly before leaving the room hesitantly. Jamie was waiting for him in front of the small basketball goal that he had set up for him. They played together for thirty minutes and it was a lot of fun. With everything else in his life bad, he could always count on Jamie as a bright spot. No matter what they did, they had fun together. Jamie made him forget about everything else. It felt good.

When it was time for dinner they went inside. Jamie took a seat on the stool sweating heavily and breathing hard. Nathan placed a box of juice in front of him before going back to the refrigerator.

"You're not cooking again, huh, Daddy?" Jamie grimaced.

Nathan chuckled. "After what happened last time? I won't take any chances." So he wasn't a good cook. He couldn't help that. Maybe he'd take a cooking class. Lord knows that Jamie had eaten enough pizza over the last few months.

"Can we have pizza?"

Before he could answer there was a knock on the door. He took off to answer it. He wasn't surprised that it was mother-in-law standing there with a dish in her hands. He smiled before letting her in. She didn't say anything as she walked into the house and went straight to the kitchen. He took a seat.

"Grandma," Jamie grinned.

"I made your favorite," Karen smiled at him.

"Spaghetti?" Jamie asked excitedly.

"Yep," Karen nodded. "I'm sure you boys have been eating too much junk food."

She had her back to them and Nathan glanced at Jamie before placing his finger over his mouth for Jamie to be quiet. Jamie giggled before nodding. She placed two plates in front of them and they both instantly started eating. Nathan was happy that she had been taking care of them. They had been eating too much junk food. They were both used to eating home cooked meals every night. Karen had been feeding them pretty good in the last few months and when she didn't there was always pizza.

They ate in silence as Karen fixed another plate and a glass of water before disappearing upstairs. He hoped that she had better luck than he did. But she always seemed to do things better than him anyway. He finished eating and cleaned the kitchen. It wasn't long before Karen was standing next to him in front of the sink with an empty plate. She smiled at him and he was glad that she came by. It somehow made him feel better. Karen spent most of her days here as well when he wasn't home.

"Did she…?"

"Yep," Karen nodded. "She fell back asleep. I should head back home. Keith and Lily are waiting for me. See you tomorrow. I love you and get some rest. It looks like you haven't slept in days." She kissed his cheek and then made her way into the living room. He watched as she sat with Jamie and talked to him for a few minutes. Then she left them alone.

He sat down and watched cartoons with Jamie before taking Jamie upstairs to get ready for bed. After reading Jamie a book and tucking him in, he stayed and waited for Jamie to fall asleep just like he did every night. It wasn't long before Jamie was fast asleep and he left Jamie's room. He walked across the hall to their room and checked in on her. She was still sleeping. He wanted to crawl into bed with her but that would do no good. They had been sleeping separately for months now. This was her room. He walked reluctantly to the spare bedroom that he had been staying in.

He took a quick shower before crawling into bed. Like every night sleep didn't come. As soon as his eyes would close flashes of his nightmare would invade his mind and he didn't want to live it again. He hated the nightmare, hated how it consumed him, and he hated how real it felt, like it was glimpse of his future.

He knew the nightmare had nothing to do with her. It was him and his fear of letting go and giving up. That nightmare had been his biggest fear for months now and he didn't want it to come true. He didn't want to give up on his life. He knew that he never would. He would never give up on his marriage. She meant everything to him and he wasn't about to give up on that. She was just lost right now and so was he. He couldn't control that. As much as he wanted to save her he couldn't. He had tried. Nothing worked.

It wasn't long ago that they had been happy. They had been so happy. If you asked him they had the perfect life up until a few months ago when their whole world was shattered. Still, they had been through so much together and throughout it all they had been side by side, leaving home and starting their life together, college, stupid girls throwing themselves at him, guys always chasing her, law school, the loss of her bestfriend, their first child, moving back home…everything. They had always dealt with everything together. This was different he knew. Nothing in life had prepared them for what happened that fateful night over four months ago.

The sound of glass shattering broke him out of his thoughts. He stayed in bed listening as the breaking of things continued. This was nothing new nor surprising. It happened often and unlike before he knew that trying to make her stop was pointless. She'd only take her anger out on him and he just didn't feel like dealing with it right now. It had been a long hard day and he just didn't need her lashing out at him. He blamed himself enough and he knew that she did, too.

The sound of Jamie running down the hall filled his ears and he opened up the covers just in time for Jamie to jump into bed with him. Jamie snuggled up close to him and Nathan could feel his heart pounding hard in his chest. He didn't know why he bothered to put Jamie in his own bed these days. Jamie always ended up in bed with either him or Haley. Lately, it had been him. He held Jamie tight until he fell back asleep. He waited until Jamie was sound asleep before getting out of bed and walking quietly down the hall. He could feel his heart beating rapidly as he made it all the way down the hall to the last room on the right.

He stood in the doorway not wanting to take a step further into the room. But like always he pushed through his own selfish pain and made it into the room trying his best not to look at anything but her. She was asleep again in the rocking chair. It's where she spent most of her nights and days even. He wanted nothing more than to carry her back to bed but it was pointless. She'd just end up back here.

Reaching down for the small quilt, he placed it over her body.

He had been told by everyone that she just needed time. He wanted to believe them but somehow he just couldn't. They weren't the ones that watched the life drain right out of her eyes. They had no idea what it was like to watch the person you love most in the world just give up and stop…living. That's exactly what she had been doing, giving up. Every time their eyes locked now it tore him up on the inside. Those beautiful brown eyes that used to be filled with so much life now held nothing. They were hollow, just like she was. As much as he hated to admit it, it was the truth. His wife was gone and this shell of a person was left. All he wanted was for her to come back.

Didn't she know how much he needed her? Didn't she know that he couldn't live without her?

Tears spilled from his eyes and he had to get out of here. Being in this room always did that to him. He stood up and left the room.

It wasn't long before he made it to the beach across town. He had run as fast as he could here just like he did most nights. He made it to his spot before burying his feet in the sand and glancing at the calming waves crashing onto the shore. He buried his hands in his pockets as he took in the beautiful sight. This was his favorite place in the world and the only place that calmed him recently. He found being here soothing. It was their place. It held some of their best memories from better times. It was the first place he'd seen her and where he fell in love with her and it's where they married. They stood in the very spot he was standing in now and they vowed forever.

He didn't care if that nightmare was a glimpse into his future. There was no way that he was giving up on his wife. He vowed always and forever and he wasn't planning on giving up on that anytime soon. He would save her from this. He would bring her back for Jamie and for himself. They needed her. No matter what it took, he'd put them back together. He didn't have a choice. He loved her too much not to at least try. He wasn't giving up on them.

"Always and forever," Nathan whispered into the darkness of the night.


	2. Chapter 2

AN: Thanks for the reviews. I'm glad that you guys like it. This is going to be a very heartbreaking and angsty story. The story is about Nathan and Haley's journey as they find their way back to each other. I'm sure that you could tell that from the first chapter. You'll find out about what happened through flashbacks in the chapters. Well, I hope you like the new chapter. Please let me know what you think.

_Chapter Two – Forever You're Apart of Me_

She couldn't breathe.

It was the same thing every second of the day now. _Pain_. It's all she felt. Just the very act of breathing had hurt, like a sharp knife hitting her in a million different places at once. Her body was aching as she opened her eyes slowly. The bright light shining through the window took her by surprise and she quickly shut her eyes.

The sun was too bright, too shiny. She turned her face away from the window and slowly opened her eyes. She moved her legs from underneath her and let them fall. It took a few minutes to move them because they were so sore from sleeping on them. She felt the blood rush through her legs and along with it she felt her legs tingling slightly. The rest of her body ached but it was nothing new. She hadn't had a peaceful nights sleep for the longest time and if she was honest with herself she didn't want one. She was glad that her body ached and the pain didn't stop. She deserved to feel this way.

She stood up slowly and folded her arms over her chest as she left the room. She was quiet as she made it down the hall. Once she reached Jamie's room she peeked inside and noticed that his bed was made and he wasn't in his room. Of course he wasn't. She wondered for a second what time it was. She didn't even stop once she reached her bedroom. She kept walking until she made it to the staircase. She glanced at the opposite end of the hall towards the spare bedroom where Nathan had been sleeping these last few months.

She stood there frozen in place before sitting herself at the top of the stairs. She pulled her hair up into a tight bun before resting her head against the side of the staircase. It wasn't long before she heard laughter. She felt the sound surround her and try to break through the numb feeling that consumed her but like always, nothing happened. She didn't smile at the sound. She just sat there staring blankly down the stairs as she continued to listen.

It was still morning she figured since they were both home. Nathan didn't bother leaving Jamie with her when he left for work, not that she blamed him. Jamie didn't need to see her like this. She was glad that Nathan didn't want Jamie around her. That was a good thing.

After it first happened Nathan wouldn't leave her alone. He would stay by her all day long and he'd try to soothe her. But that was months ago and nowadays he didn't even bother waking her in the morning or tell her bye. She would just wake up and they'd be gone all day long. It wasn't like she blamed them. It's not like she had been easy to live with these last few months. In fact, she knew that they stayed away because they didn't want to be around her.

She was a failure. She failed as a wife and as a…mother. She felt it every second of every day.

_Failure. _

She was so numb inside it didn't bother her. They were better off. She was so lost and confused. It took everything in her to just wake up every morning. It took everything in her to do anything these days which wasn't a lot.

She felt empty.

It was like there was nothing left in her.

How could she not feel that way after what happened?

She could feel the tears falling from her eyes so easily. Even with time the tears didn't stop like she thought they would. They would fall freely every single day without warning. Sometimes she'd just wake up crying. After all this time she thought she'd be all cried out but the tears weren't stopping. It was like they were a part of her now.

As she heard their laughter get close she tensed. It was seconds later that they were standing at the bottom of the steps. Her eyes connected with Nathan's and she quickly looked away before swiping away her tears. She couldn't look at him. She didn't have it in her.

"Momma!"

Despite the feeling to stay put, she stood up and started down the stairs. She forced a smile as Jamie raced up the stairs to meet her. By the time they reached each other Jamie jumped in her arms. She held him close to her before kissing his cheek a few times. It was amazing how small he still was in her arms. No matter how much he grew he'd always be her little boy.

"Hey, baby," Haley whispered softly.

"Aunt Lindsey is taking me and Lexie back to the park today," Jamie said excitedly.

Pain rippled through her but she kept it inside. The smile on her face was forced and she focused all of her attention on Jamie. Everything about him made her icy interior warm up just a little when he was around her. But once he was gone she'd freeze up again and everything was cold. She hated it.

She owed a lot to Jamie, more that a four year old boy could realize. He didn't know it but he was the only reason she was alive, the only reason she kept going, the only thing she had left. As much as it pained her to admit, it was the truth.

She still felt numb but it wasn't as bad with him in her arms.

"Sounds fun," she managed to get out.

What kind of mother couldn't even take care of her own child? She felt sick to her stomach and she had to force herself to keep him in her arms. A huge part of her wanted to give him back to Nathan and have him away from her. He didn't deserve this. This wasn't Jamie's fault. It was hers. She did this. She had become this person and he deserved better. That's probably why Nathan brought him with Lindsey each day after school.

He nodded happily. "Lexie loves it when I push her on the swings."

Her eyes closed in pain at the mention of Lucas and Lindsey's daughter. She could feel the tears threatening to spill but she held them back. She had cried enough in front of Jamie and she wasn't going to do it anymore. Jamie was just an innocent little boy. He didn't understand what was happening.

"We've got to go, Jim Jam," Nathan finally spoke up.

She was grateful that he did. Somehow it was painful standing here with the two of them. Even pretending to be ok for Jamie was painful. What kind of horrible person that made her? She knew it was the worse kind. She could barely stand to be around the two most important people in her life. She didn't know why she felt that way. All she knew is that it hurt to be around them.

It hurt to breathe. Everything hurt.

She was so focused on her thoughts that she didn't realize that Jamie hugged her. Her eyes snapped shut and she hugged him back for a few seconds. Her hand ran soothingly up and down his back like it did so many times before to comfort him. He pulled away before kissing her cheek. She bit her bottom lip and hoped that the tears would hold off a little bit longer.

She hadn't seen much of Jamie lately. She was sure that didn't speak too much of her as a mother, but her time with him had been few and far between. He was always gone.

"I love you, Momma."

Like a fist was pounding into her, his words shook her whole body. For a second it felt like everything was right in the world. She felt almost free, like the last few months hadn't happened, but she knew that wasn't the case. The numbing pain returned a second later until she couldn't feel anything at all.

"I love you, too, baby," Haley whispered softly before kissing him.

She couldn't bring herself to look at Nathan as she placed Jamie back on the stairs. But like always she felt his eyes on her, burning her. She shivered.

"Go get your bag, buddy. I don't want you to be late for school."

Jamie raced up the stairs leaving them alone. She took off walking down the stairs, ignoring his heated gaze the whole time. Once she was one the last step she quickly walked around him and started for the kitchen. It was seconds later that she felt his hand take hold of her arm, burning her, stopping her in her tracks.

"Haley," Nathan started softly.

She yanked her arm free of his burning grasp. "Don't touch me."

She regretted the harsh tone in her voice as soon as it left her. She didn't want to be this way towards him. She had hurt him enough in the past few months and she didn't want to hurt him anymore than she had. He didn't deserve it.

He flinched in pain before taking a step back. "Right, sorry."

She felt horrible, but didn't he realize how much this was killing her? Didn't he know that just standing this close to him was taking what little she had left in her? She hated hurting him but she couldn't pretend either. Things had been so strained between them lately and that was mostly her fault, she knew. She had changed, not Nathan. She was the one unhappy with her life. She was the one that wanted to give up on everything. Nathan and Jamie were the only things keeping her from really losing it.

She didn't want to be this way.

She didn't want to feel like this but she couldn't control it either.

"We won't be back until late," Nathan muttered.

She nodded painfully. "I know."

"How long are we going to do this?"

He looked so tired she noticed. Tired of everything, tired of _her_. She wished she had answers for him but she didn't. She didn't know when she'd stop feeling this way. It felt like she would feel this way forever. Everything in her was empty and dark and she didn't see that changing anytime soon.

"It's been over four months."

Like she didn't know how long it had been. That day only killed her.

She couldn't even look at him anymore. His eyes, those eyes that she used to get lost in haunted her now. Just the sight of them made her think about…

"I love you," Nathan stated seconds later.

_I love you, too_, she thought.

Her eyes closed again and she wished more than anything that she could say it back but the words wouldn't come out. They stayed stuck in her throat. Of course she loved him. He had been her first love, her first everything. He had been the only man she ever loved, ever trusted. She had given her heart, her body, and her soul to him. She had given him everything. She just didn't have anything else to give.

Everything in her was gone.

Empty.

She was hollow.

Not even the words he wanted desperately to hear from her now. It only made her feel worse. This is why she stayed locked up in their room trying to avoid him. She could feel his eyes burning a hole through her back but she couldn't bring herself to turn and face him. She was a coward, they both knew it.

When she couldn't take it anymore, she started for the kitchen, leaving him standing there like she had so many times before. It was minutes later when she heard the front door slam shut. It was only then that she slouched to the ground and the tears finally left her eyes.

Each and every single day she managed to push him further and further away. She didn't do it on purpose but no matter her intentions he was still far away from her. Throughout their life together they had shared everything, stood side by side, and were there for each other.

But this was different. She didn't know how to let him in. She didn't know how to be around him anymore. It literally hurt…all of it. She wasn't the Haley he fell in love with, she wasn't his wife, not anymore. She was barely living now. Nathan's wife was long gone and she honestly didn't know if she was ever coming back.

She didn't know how long she stayed like that. It was the sound of her mother's footsteps that snapped her out of her breakdown. She glanced up and noticed her mother staring at her sympathetically.

"Sweetheart," Karen sighed brokenly.

She shook her head. "I can't…I…"

"It's ok."

Her mother pulled her up and walked her over to the sofa. Then before she knew it her mother was wiping away her tears.

"Sorry, I'm late. Lily was running late this morning. We barely got to school in time."

She smiled weakly. "Did she try to talk you out of bringing her to school?"

"Of course," Karen laughed. She stopped seconds later before taking a good look at her daughter. The smile left her face and she brought her hands back up to Haley's cheeks. She rubbed them softly before smiling. "How'd you sleep last night?"

"Ok," Haley lied.

Karen glanced at her doubtfully. "You still having the same dreams?"

She nodded. It never failed. Every night once her eyes finally closed she'd have the same dreams.

"It'll get better," Karen promised.

"I don't think that it will."

They sat in silence for a few minutes before Karen started smiling again. "Did you eat breakfast yet?"

"I'm not hungry."

Karen stood up and started for the kitchen. "I'll make pancakes. Your favorite."

~***~

"_Keep them closed."_

_She held her hands tight over her eyes as Nathan pulled her down the hall. They were both laughing hysterically and as if he didn't trust her, his hand was covering hers over her eyes. It only seemed to make her laugh harder. What was her husband up to? It was seconds later that he made her stop walking._

_They stood still for minutes._

"_Nathan?" _

"_Remember I worked really hard on this."_

"_Ok."_

"_And if you don't like it then just let me know and we'll change it," Nathan added._

"_Baby," Haley giggled. "I'm sure I'll love it. Now can I please see?" _

"_Fine," Nathan sighed as he removed his hand._

_Her hands fell from her eyes as soon as he let go. She stood there frozen in place as she took in the sight before her. Her eyes couldn't move fast enough as she took in everything in the room. It had been a white empty room just days ago and now it was completely transformed into the most beautiful little room. Everything was set up perfectly. The walls were pink, the furniture white. He had everything with the teddy bear theme up like she wanted. He had everything just beautiful and perfect. On the wall in huge white letters was Nevaeh spelled out. Perfect. _

_She felt slow tears falling from her eyes. Happy tears._

"_Well…?" Nathan asked nervously. _

"_I love it," Haley smiled happily as she glanced at him. "It's perfect."_

"_Really?" _

"_Yep," she nodded. "It's perfect. Everything." _

_He smiled happily before placing his hand over her swollen stomach. She felt her heart pounding in her chest as she gazed up at him. Even after all these years he still made her heart race. She felt like an eighteen year old girl again when he was around. She placed her hand over his. It was the most perfect thing, him touching their unborn child._

"_You really like it?" _

"_I love it," Haley repeated. They both smiled brightly when their hands moved slightly caressing her stomach. They felt a little kick seconds later as their hands moved._

"_I'm guessing she likes it, too?" Nathan chuckled. _

"_Of course she does," Haley cooed as she rubbed her belly. "You love your room, huh, Nevaeh? Your daddy did a good job, huh?" Their hands moved once more._

"_I'll take that as a yes," Nathan smirked proudly._

_She glanced up at him in awe as he continued to gaze lovingly at her belly just like he had when she was pregnant for Jamie. It was a look that shook her to her very core. She felt so loved and adored whenever he looked at her. Nathan always made her feel that way even back when they were younger. Over the years he only seemed to somehow love her more._

_He continued to stare at her stomach in fascination as the baby continued to kick._

"_She's still moving," Nathan chuckled softly._

_Haley smiled. "She's happy."_

"_I'm really glad that you like her room."_

"_You did an amazing job."_

"_Jamie helped," Nathan grinned. "He wanted to help with everything. He wanted his baby sister's room to be perfect." _

_She giggled. "I'll be sure to thank him once he's back home." _

"_What about me?" Nathan wondered playfully. _

"_What about you?"_

_He shrugged innocently. "How are you going to thank me?" _

"_I had a few ideas," Haley smiled seductively as she moved in close to him. He started leaning down towards her with a huge grin on his face._

"_Like…?"_

"_Well…" before she could answer his lips were pressed against hers as he kissed her passionately. She lost herself in him, her hands wrapping around his shoulders as she pulled him more into her. His hands settled on her waist as he pressed his body into hers. No matter how much she had of him it was never enough._

"_You feel so good," Nathan muttered against her lips as his hands started roaming over her body._

_She pulled away from his lips. "Not here." _

"_But –"_

"_Not in the baby's room," Haley fussed him before slapping him playfully. "Take me in our bedroom." She wiggled her eyebrows. It was a second later that he lifted her in his arms and started for their room. She couldn't help but giggle loudly as he walked fast towards their room._

"_Almost there."_

"_Don't you dare drop me!"_

"_Drop you?" Nathan chuckled. "I could shoot you across this hall like a three pointer if I wanted to." _

_She loved the cocky confident tone in his voice. It made him so sexy and she only seemed to want him more. He hadn't always been this way. In the beginning he had been so shy and timid around her, something that she never understood. But the more time they spent together he had somehow gotten more confident. She was glad. She loved Nathan this way._

"_Don't you dare," Haley laughed softly. He placed her on the bed and she quickly knelt up and started kissing him._

_His hand was caressing her cheek as he moved his mouth over hers. Her hands started unbuttoning his shirt. Once she reached the last button she quickly pushed it off of his chest before breaking the kiss. Like always she was amazed at how perfect her husband's body was. Her hands couldn't help but trailing along his muscular chest. _

"_God, you're so sexy, babe," Haley told him breathlessly._

"_I love you, Hales," Nathan declared as he gazed down at her._

_She tore her eyes away from his chest. "Show me." And just like always, he did._

She felt the memory leave her just as soon as it had came.

_It was warm. The sun was shining bright as she ran through the field of wildflowers. The giggling that surrounded her only made her smile. The sound of it filled her with joy and she knew that she would never get tired of hearing it. The pure innocent sound was all she needed to hear to have a smile on her face._

"_Come on, Momma!"_

_She laughed softly as the little blonde headed girl glanced over her shoulder. Those blue eyes of hers were sparkling brightly._

"_Come and get me!"_

"_I'm trying," Haley giggled as she continued to chase after. It wasn't long until she finally caught up with her and wrapped her arms around the little girl. Lifting her up she held her close before they both glanced up at the beautiful field in front of them._

_Everything about this place was perfect._

_Heaven _

"_I got you," Haley declared before kissing her cheek softly._

_Nevaeh giggled. "Isn't it beautiful, Momma?" _

"_Yep," Haley agreed as her eyes stayed glued to the perfect little girl in her arms._

_They stood there for a long time gazing at the sun and all the beauty that was before them. It wasn't long before she took a seat in the grass and kept Nevaeh in her lap. Her little head was resting back against Haley's chest and she couldn't help but smile. _

"_Momma?"_

"_Yeah, baby?" _

"_How come you never let Jamie come play with us?" _

_She had been to this beautiful place a lot over the last few months and never once had she felt an ounce of pain until now. The mention of Jamie had her heart aching in her chest. When she was here she didn't think about Jamie or anything else. This was their place. No one else belonged here right now._

"_Or Daddy?" _

_Another lash of pain rippled through her. It wasn't that she didn't want them here. She did. She wished that she could let them in. Having them here would make this place complete and she would never have to leave. But having them here meant they were really gone too and she couldn't bear the thought of that. The thought of losing them…_

_She couldn't go there._

"_Oh," Nevaeh whispered as if reading her mothers thoughts. "Then I don't want them here either, Momma."_

"_They don't belong here," Haley muttered softly before kissing Nevaeh's hand. "Not now."_

"_Ok."_

"_But I promise that one day we'll all be together."_

"_I don't want you to leave, Momma."_

"_I don't want to leave either, sweetheart," Haley whispered before lacing their fingers together. Just like always everything slowly disappeared. The bright shining sun was gone and left in its place was nothing but darkness._

As she felt her dream slip away the tears started to fall. She hated leaving but sooner or later she was always pulled out of her dream. She felt a sudden aching in her chest before the dull numbing pain set in. She hated waking up. She moved her hand softly over her flat stomach painfully as if she'd actually feel something that wasn't there anymore.

Her eyes slowly fluttered open. She was taken back by the brown pair of eyes staring back at her. Her best friend was lying in her bed staring intently at her. She quickly wiped the tears that had rolled down the side of her face.

"What are you doing here?"

"Nathan called," Brooke stated softly.

She closed her eyes. "He shouldn't have done that."

"I'm glad he did. He's so worried about you."

"Brooke," Haley started. "You've got enough going on with your life. Shouldn't you be in Paris? I thought that you had this huge important line coming up that was going to change your company?"

"I took some time off."

"I don't want you to do that."

"It's too late," Brooke muttered before reaching for Haley's hand. "I'm here now and I'm not leaving. I shouldn't have left in the first place."

"You have your own life to live. He shouldn't have called you."

"Oh well, I'm here now and I'm not leaving," Brooke declared before getting out of the bed and walking across the room. It was seconds later that she pushed the drapes open and the sun came pouring in brightly.

Haley's eyes snapped shut. "Ugh, close it."

"No, now get up. We're leaving."

"Go away," Haley muttered before turning her head to the other side of the room. She tried her best to ignore Brooke moving around her room. She didn't need this. Not now. She didn't need Brooke's help. She didn't need anyone's help. She just wanted to be alone. Didn't Brooke get that?

"I've stayed away long enough. It's about time I help you."

"I don't need your help. Just leave me alone."

"To bad," Brooke stated as she pulled the covers off of Haley's body. Then she reached for Haley's arm and pulled her out of the bed. Once she was on her feet she glared at Brooke angrily.

"I'm not going anywhere."

"Yes you are," Brooke disagreed. "I don't care if I have to drag you out of here. We're going. It's six o'clock and I'm sure you haven't even eaten anything today."

"I'm not hungry," Haley mumbled.

"Put this on," Brooke said minutes later as she tossed some jeans and a shirt on the bed.

As much as she didn't want to leave the confines of her room she knew that Brooke wouldn't let up. Brooke was so damn determined. She could fight, cry, beg, and plead but Brooke wouldn't give up. She sighed before she started changing slowly as Brooke took a seat on the bed and waited.

Once she was dressed she made her way into the bathroom and washed her face. She took her time looking at herself in the mirror. She didn't even recognize the reflection that was staring back at her. It didn't look like her at all. The person looking back looked dead. She ignored the strange reflection as she put her hair up.

She stayed quiet in the car as Brooke sang softly along with the radio. She didn't know where Brooke was taking her. She continued to look out the window as they made their way through town. She barely left the house over the last few months. In fact, the only time she left the house was when her mother dragged her to see a therapist once a week. It wasn't long before the car came to a stop and she took a look around as Brooke pulled out the keys.

She sat there frozen until Brooke opened the door for her and helped her out. They held hands as they walked quietly down the long pathway. When they came to a stop, Brooke took a seat and she did the same. They held hands tightly. She couldn't help the tears that fell from her eyes and she noticed that Brooke was crying too.

_Jacob Michael Jagielski_

_June 5, 1984 – March 21, 2004_

She felt the aching in her chest increase as the thought of Jake entered her mind. It had been during her junior year of college when she had gotten the call telling her about the accident that took his life. It had been such a hard time after that. Jake had been one of her best friends growing up and losing him had been hard.

Both she and Brooke had taken his death hard.

In time they had made their peace with it. They helped each other and over time it got easier and easier. Still, it was hard losing him.

"I miss him," Brooke whispered sadly.

She nodded softly. "Me too."

"I know you don't want me here and you think that you don't need my help, but you have to understand how much everyone is worried about you. I can't…I can't lose you, too, Tutor girl. I won't. I'm going to get you through this," Brooke declared.

She could only look straight ahead as Brooke's words replayed over in her head. She had missed Brooke and was glad that she was here. Really she was. More than anything she wished that she could believe Brooke. She wanted Brooke to heal her. In the back of her mind she knew that no matter how much she wanted Brooke's help that it would do no good. Brooke couldn't fix her. No one could.

She sat next to Brooke as long as she could before she felt herself being pulled away. She stood slowly and let her feet take her to where she wanted to be. She made it to the small gate and pushed her way inside, her heart pounding with every step she took. She reached the part of the graveyard that was so much smaller than the rest. It felt wrong to be here. Looking around everything felt so little and wrong, like it shouldn't be here, it didn't belong.

Tears were rolling freely down her cheeks as she reached the one she was looking for. She placed a hand over her mouth to hold in her sobs as she took a seat in front of the small grave. Still for the life of her, she couldn't understand how it all happened? What had she done wrong? Why was there this huge hole inside of her?

Her eyes continued to glaze over with tears and through her blurry vision she gazed forward and she felt the huge hole inside of her burn rapidly inside of her, the pain almost too much to bear.

_Nevaeh Brooklyn Scott_

_May 5, 2009_

_Beautiful Angel _

Reaching out, she traced the small letters with her fingers. She was sobbing so loudly that she didn't hear Brooke take a seat next to her. She felt Brooke's arms wrap around her and hold her tightly. She placed her head on Brooke's shoulder before letting herself fully lose it. She held onto Brooke for dear life.

"It's ok. I'm here. I've got you," Brooke soothed her. "I won't let you lose anything more, Hales."

"I can't breathe," Haley whispered painfully. "I can't..."


	3. Chapter 3

_Chapter Three –When It's Just Not Right_

"_Did you see that shot, Daddy?"_

_Nathan chuckled. "Sure did."_

_He and Jamie sat on the sofa watching a basketball game as they waited for Haley. He glanced over at the stairs and noticed that she still wasn't coming down. He sighed to himself as he smiled. His wife took forever to get ready. He went back to watching the game._

"_Three points! Sweet!"_

"_Now it's tied up," Nathan grinned as he glanced at Jamie._

"_My team is going to win," Jamie declared._

"_They still have a minute left. Don't get all smug just yet, Jim Jam. My team can still win. Why do you like the Lakers anyway?"_

"_Because they rock and Uncle Lucas said that they are the best damn team in the NBA," Jamie stated with a grin._

_Nathan glanced at his son in shock. "You better watch what you say, little man. If your mom had heard you you'd have a bar of soap in your mouth right about now. You shouldn't listen to your Uncle Lucas. He's a bad influence. Damn is a bad word, Jamie." _

"_Sorry," Jamie mumbled quickly. "Are you going to tell Mommy?"_

"_Not this time. Don't let it happen again."_

"_I won't," Jamie rushed out._

_Nathan grinned. "Good."_

"_What's taking so long? I want my ice cream now!"_

"_I'm sure she won't be that much longer," Nathan chuckled. They were all going out for ice cream and for a little walk. Leave it up to Haley to take forever to get ready just to go out and get ice cream. They both went back to watching the game. It was seconds later when he heard Haley yelling for him._

"_Yeah?" Nathan yelled back._

"_Nathan," Haley called out._

_When he heard her voice getting closer he glanced towards the stairs and noticed her rushing down. He quickly stood up and went towards the stairs._

"_What?" Nathan rushed out. "What is it?"_

"_She kicked," Haley stated excitedly. "She just kicked for the first time."_

_She reached for his hand and placed it over her belly. He glanced down at their hands and it wasn't long before he felt the baby kick. He smiled in amazement at the feel of it. He felt the baby kick again and he chuckled._

"_Wow," Nathan muttered._

"_I want to feel her kick," Jamie stated as he held up his hand._

"_Hold your hand right here, baby." Haley placed his hand on her belly and watched his face as they waited for the baby to kick again._

_Jamie grinned widely. "She kicked my hand!"_

"_She sure did," Haley giggled._

"_This is so cool! I'm going tell Chester!" He raced up the stairs as both of them giggled. Once Jamie was out of sight he glanced back down at their joined hands as the baby continued to kick. Nathan's eyes traveled back up until they locked with Haley's._

"_This is amazing."_

_Haley smiled lovingly. "We did this. We made her." She moved their hands over her belly. He swallowed the lump in his throat before leaning in, needing to feel her lips on his. He kissed her softly. Their lips moved together slowly. He felt her hands around his neck a second later as she pulled him closer to her. When air became an issue they broke apart and he placed his forehead against hers._

"_I love you so much," Nathan whispered._

_She grinned at him. "I love you more. I'm so happy."_

"_Yeah."_

"_So happy," Haley nodded. "Now kiss me again before Jamie comes back down."_

He could feel the memory slipping away as he felt someone rubbing his arm. His eyes fluttered open and then he lifted his head up off of his desk.

"Haley?"

"It's me," Carrie smiled.

"Oh," Nathan muttered. "I must have dozed off for a little bit."

"Just a little bit," Carrie nodded. "I won't tell anyone."

He glanced down at his arm and noticed that she was still rubbing it. He quickly stood up and walked away from her. He made it his bookshelf and glanced at all the books. He couldn't believe that he yet again fell asleep at work. No wonder his father had been upset with him this morning.

"What are you doing in here anyway?"

His eyes landed on one of the many pictures in his office of Haley.

"You wanted me to remind you when it was almost time for your meeting with Mr. Johns. The divorce case, remember?"

"Right."

"He should be here in ten minutes."

"Good. Thanks."

"Do you need me to help you get ready?"

"I got it," Nathan muttered. "Thanks."

"At least let me help you with this."

He turned to face her confused. He really didn't need her help. "What?"

She was in front of him a second later as her hands reached out. He glanced down confused as she started fixing his tie. He stood frozen in place as he waited for her to finish. Once she was done she tapped his chest softly.

"There," Carrie smiled brightly.

"Yeah, thanks," Nathan muttered before stepping away and walking back to his desk. He didn't have time to think about what just happened.

~***~

"Again!"

Nathan stood on the sidelines as he watched his brother coach his basketball team. Lucas had a scowl on his face as yet again the Varsity messed up the play that Lucas wanted them to do. He heard Lucas blow his whistle once again before shaking his head.

"Again! This isn't hard! Get it right!"

"You can do it," Jamie encouraged as he clapped his small hands together from the bleachers. Nathan chuckled softly at the sight of him before going back to watching the team. Lucas took a few steps back until he was standing next to Nathan. The team once again didn't get the play right.

Lucas shook his head. "It's a lost cause."

"They're not that bad."

They still didn't get it right. "You sure about that?"

"I take it back," Nathan muttered with a small smile as he glanced at Lucas.

"So what are you doing here? I thought I told you I'd drop Jamie off after practice."

He glanced down at the ground before shoving his hands in his pockets. What was he supposed to say? That he was avoiding going home because his wife hated looking at him? Or that going home killed a little piece of him every single day? He couldn't say those things. It was bad enough that he thought them. He felt horrible for even thinking them. He shouldn't feel that way. He _didn't _want to feel that way.

Lucas seemed to understand and went back to yelling at his team. They stood in silence for minutes as they watched. Nathan glanced over his shoulder and noticed Jamie playing with a few of his trucks on the bleachers. He smiled.

"I just wanted to give you a heads up about something."

"What's that?" Lucas wondered.

"Brooke's back in town," Nathan replied as he glanced at his brother carefully. Lucas looked off into the distance for a second before glancing back at his brother.

"Oh."

"I just thought that you should know."

"Yeah, uh, thanks."

"I'm sorry but I had to call her, Luke. I need her help. I don't know what else to do. I'm sorry if that –"

"No, it's ok," Lucas stated coolly. "I get it. I'm fine. In fact, I'm over it. I have been for a long time now. I'm happy, Nathan. I love Lindsey and Lexie. They're my whole world now. Brooke's my past and I'm over it. Really, I am."

Nathan took his time examining his brother. He was happy that Lucas had moved on and found someone else. It had taken Lucas a long time to get over Brooke. He had never seen his big brother like that before. It was a lot to watch his brother in so much pain. Lucas had been so vulnerable back then. He didn't want Lucas ever being that way again. Lindsey was good for Lucas. She made him happy.

He didn't know what Brooke being back in town would do. But he hoped that his brother had meant what he said. Both Brooke and Lucas had separate lives now.

"How's Haley doing?"

He felt his heart drop at the mention of her name. "Still the same."

A flash of her this morning appeared in his mind, how she seemed so distant still, how she wouldn't let him touch her, and how she couldn't even look at him. He closed his eyes as he thought about the way she had looked. She was getting so thin. Her body looked so fragile. Haley had never looked that way before. She looked so weak.

"How's the therapy helping if she's still the same?" Lucas questioned.

"You'd have to ask Karen. She's still not talking to me," Nathan stated sadly.

Lucas shook his head. "It's been over four months, Nathan. You need to push her."

"She's doing the best that she can," Nathan hissed out. Like always his defenses came up when someone came at him like this. All he could think about was protecting her. It was _his_ job to protect her.

"You really need to push her."

He glared at his brother. "She lost a child, Lucas!"

"You _both_ lost a child, little brother," Lucas corrected him with a pointed look.

"She just needs some time!"

"But –"

"Back off, Lucas," Nathan warned.

He didn't want to talk about this. Not now. He couldn't deal with it. This whole day had been just horrible and he just couldn't take anymore. His father had been upset that he wasn't trying harder at work. Carrie had flirted with him practically all day long, and now this. He was completely exhausted both emotionally and physically.

"I just wish that –"

"I don't need this right now," Nathan muttered before walking away from his brother. He ignored Lucas calling out for him as he made his way to Jamie. He quickly lifted Jamie in his arms before they left the gym.

Instead of going home he kept going. Before he knew it he was parking the car. He took off his seatbelt slowly before turning off the car. He relaxed himself in his seat as he glanced around at all the beach houses.

"What are you we doing, Daddy?"

"I've got a surprise for you, little man," Nathan grinned as he glanced back at Jamie.

He got out of the car before helping Jamie out of his car seat. They held hands as they walked towards the huge beach house in front of them. He helped Jamie up the long stairs before they reached the door. He knocked softly a few times as they stood there waiting. It was seconds later that the door opened and he smiled.

"Aunt Brooke!" Jamie shouted excitedly before jumping in her arms. "What are you doing here?"

"I missed you," Brooke stated before kissing his cheek repeatedly. It was minutes later before she placed him on the ground. Then she smiled at Nathan before hugging him.

"I'm glad you came."

"So am I," Brooke smiled before letting him go. "Come inside. We were just getting unpacked."

Nathan followed her in with Jamie by his side. He kept his hand on Jamie's shoulder as Brooke closed the door and then showed them to the living room. She took a seat and so did they. She smiled at the both of them. He glanced to his side and noticed that Jamie was looking around.

"What are you looking for, knuckle head?"

"Is –"

"You said you would help!"

"Does that answer your question?" Brooke giggled. "He's such a _drama queen_."

"I always knew he'd take after you," Nathan teased.

"Mom! You said…Jamie!"

Nathan watched as the little five year old rounded the corner and noticed them. He smiled as Jamie stood up.

"Jacob," Jamie grinned. The two boys gave each other a high five.

"Can we go play in my room?" Jacob asked excitedly.

Jamie nodded. "Please, Aunt Brooke?"

"Go ahead."

Both boys raced off and Nathan smiled as he watched them go. Jamie loved hanging out with Jacob and Nathan hated that Brooke and Jacob lived so far away. They hardly got to see each other anymore. He was glad that they were here. He noticed Brooke still glancing at him and he turned reluctantly to face her. He'd have to deal with this sooner or later.

"Is it just the two of you or is…?"

"Just us," Brooke answered before placing her hands on her lap.

"Oh."

"So I saw Haley today," Brooke stated as she quickly changed the subject.

"You did?"

"Yep. Karen watched Jacob for me so I decided to go see how she was doing instead of just waiting for tomorrow. I couldn't help it. I wanted to see her."

"How…" he struggled to find his words. "How was she?"

"Just like you described," Brooke muttered painfully. "I'm so glad you called."

He nodded. "Did she talk to you?"

He just wished that she would open up to someone, anyone. It didn't matter that it wasn't him. As long as she was letting someone in and dealing with it that's all that mattered to him. He only wanted her to get better.

"Not really. I tried. I'll try harder tomorrow. I took her to the graveyard to visit…Jake and Nevaeh."

He felt his hands shaking and his heart pounding at her words. He hadn't expected her to say that. He pushed the weak feeling in his stomach away before forcing a smile.

"That's good. She needs to get out of the house. She stays locked up so much that I worry. She barely leaves that…_that_ room. It's not good for her. It's like she won't let go…like she's in denial still. She won't talk to me. She won't let me in. I can't even touch her. She freaks out if I do…I-I…"

"Nathan," Brooke mumbled sadly.

"She won't even look at me anymore," Nathan added. "I don't know what to do. I don't know _how_ to help her."

He could feel the tears slowly spilling from his eyes and he hated himself for breaking down like this. It wasn't long before he felt Brooke take a seat next to him as she hugged him. He cried softly as she ran her hand up and down his back soothingly. He didn't know how long they stayed like that but once he was all cried out he pulled away and wiped his eyes.

"I'm sorry," Nathan whispered softly. He usually only broke down in front of Lucas like this. He felt stupid.

"Don't apologize," Brooke stated quickly. "You should have called sooner. I've just been so busy with work and then with…"

"Where is he?"

"Working on his new movie," Brooke answered flatly.

"I shouldn't have called you. You've got your own problems to deal with."

"No, I'm glad you did. I need to do this. I need to help her. She's my best friend. I won't watch her lose everything that's important to her."

"Mom, can they stay over for dinner? Please," Jacob asked as he raced inside the living room.

Brooke glanced at Nathan for a second. "Sure, if they want."

"Please, Uncle Nate?"

"Yeah, Daddy, please," Jamie asked as he glanced at him.

"Sure, buddy." It's not like Haley was waiting for them at home.

"So what are you cooking, Aunt Brooke?"

"I –"

Jacob's eyes got big. "I'll get the takeout menus!"

At that, Nathan couldn't help but laugh.

~***~

The night had gone by quickly and he guessed it was because they had a good time over at Brooke's. A part of him felt guilty but he didn't want to think about it at the moment. They had stayed a long time as they talked about work and other subjects that didn't hurt either of them.

She told him how she loved living in Paris and how much Jacob did as well. She missed Tree Hill and her family. Work had been so fast that she barely noticed the time anymore. The only thing he talked about was work with her and even that had only been a little. He was more interested in what she had been up to. It had been weird not having her part of their every day life.

After leaving Stanford he hadn't seen much of her. She had been so busy with her own life. He knew that it really hurt Haley. They were best friends and being a part for the first time in their lives had been hard but they talked as much as they could. Well, at least they had. Haley hadn't been in the mood to talk to anyone these days, not that he blamed her.

Once they got home it was late and Haley was nowhere downstairs. He was kind of happy. He didn't want Jamie to see her that way. Once he was upstairs he noticed that she wasn't in their room either. He knew exactly where she was but he couldn't go back there to check. He didn't have it in him at the moment.

He took his time getting ready for bed. He thought about calling Lucas to apologize but then decided against it. He'd talk to Lucas tomorrow when he calmed down. He knew that Lucas was just trying to help him and his family. He couldn't be mad at his brother for that.

Once he was in his sleep pants and t-shirt he made his way back to Jaime's room. Jamie was on the floor pushing around a few of his trucks.

"Time for bed, buddy."

"Ok." Jamie jumped in his bed before getting under the covers. Nathan turned off the light and placed Jamie's night light on. He then took a seat on the side of Jamie's bed before tucking him in. He noticed the sad look on Jamie's face and it pulled at his heart.

"Why the long face, Jamie?"

Jamie glanced up at him. "Why's Momma so sad?"

He felt his heart pounding in his chest as his face dropped. The fact that anything could hurt his son, especially this, killed him. Jamie didn't need to be touched by this at all. He searched for the right words to explain.

"Listen, Jamie. After the…the accident…Mommy she just…"

"She misses Nevaeh?" Jamie questioned.

He nodded painfully. "Very much."

"Me, too," Jamie muttered. "I wanted a baby sister. It's why I like playing with Lexie so much."

"We all miss her," Nathan muttered miserably.

"When is mommy going to stop being sad?" Jamie questioned.

Another lash of pain rippled through him. "Your mom is going through a really tough time right now, Jamie. But she loves you, you know that."

"But she doesn't play with me anymore."

At that Nathan didn't have an answer.

"She used to always play with me," Jamie added.

"I know," Nathan said softly. "This is really hard…for all of us."

"I just want mommy not to be sad anymore."

"I know. Your Mommy loves you so much."

"You love me," Jamie said softly.

"Your mommy loves you," Nathan repeated painfully. He could feel the tears threatening to spill but he held them back. He wouldn't breakdown in front of Jamie. He just wouldn't.

"Will she ever get better, daddy?"

He didn't have an honest answer for that either. Sure he wanted to believe with everything in him that she would but Haley wasn't dealing with the death of their baby at all. How could she get better if she didn't accept that Nevaeh was gone? But he couldn't tell that to Jamie. So he lied.

"Of course she will. Get some sleep. I love you, buddy." He went to stand up but Jamie quickly reached for his hand and pulled him back down.

"Can you stay a little bit longer?"

"Sure, buddy." He relaxed himself in Jamie's small bed as Jamie cuddled up next to him. It wasn't long before Jamie was sleeping. When he couldn't fight it anymore, he drifted off to sleep as well.

Outside the room, Haley stood against the wall with one hand over her heart as it ached in her chest and the other hand was placed over her mouth. Tears were rolling down her cheeks. She felt like the worse mother, worse person on the planet. She had been so selfish with her own pain and grief that she didn't stop to think of how it would affect Jamie.

She slid down the wall and wrapped her arms around her legs as she placed her head down. Why was this happening? She didn't understand it all. One second she had been the happiest she had ever been in her life and then the next thing she knew there was nothing but darkness. It had taken everything from her until there was nothing left and now this was hurting Jamie. It just wasn't fair. Life wasn't fair. She knew one thing, she hated herself.


	4. Chapter 4

_Chapter Four –I Would For You_

Haley sat by the window as the rain poured hard against it. Her head was resting against the cool window as she gazed out into the distance. The sky was a dark gray as lightening streaked across the sky. The rain is what had woken her up this morning. It was still early but the house was empty like it always was these days. Nathan and Jamie were long gone and she felt so lonely.

She used to love the rain. It used to calm her. On mornings like this she'd still be in bed with Nathan's arms wrapped around her as they snuggled together after making love. She closed her eyes at the thought. That felt like such a long time ago.

Now when she thought about rain or watched it she didn't think of all those good times.

There was only one memory that came to mind whenever it rained now. She pushed that thought out of her head quickly. She didn't want to think about it now. She had more important things to think about like Jamie. She pushed her tears away as she remembered all the words he had spoke to Nathan last night.

Her bottom lip started to tremble and she quickly bit it softly to stop it.

She couldn't believe how horrible she had been to neglect Jamie like she had. He didn't deserve any of this. He was just a little innocent boy. He deserved so much better.

She couldn't keep doing this. She knew that. Jamie was already questioning her love for him and she couldn't bear the thought of that. She loved him more than anything. She _had_ to do better for him.

She stood up and wiped her tears. For the first time in a long time she got herself dressed and got ready for the day. Once she was finished she stood in front of the mirror and glanced at her reflection. The person looking back looked like a ghost of her former self. She closed her eyes before turning away.

She could do this. She had to do this…for Jamie. He needed her now more than ever and she knew deep down that she needed him too.

~***~

_The rain was coming down hard. Nathan held the steering wheel tight in his hands as he concentrated on the road in front of him. They were about halfway home now and all he wanted was to get Haley home as soon as possible. He had taken her up to Charlotte for the evening. They had seen a musical and then he had taken her out to a nice dinner. At dinner she had told him that she was feeling a little weird so they left._

_No he was driving them home in this downpour that didn't seem like it was letting up anytime soon. He glanced at her for a second and noticed that she was gripping the door handle tight in her hands as her other hand held her stomach._

"_Is it getting worse?"_

_She nodded painfully. "Yep."_

"_Should we just go to the hospital?"_

"_No," Haley muttered before shutting her eyes tight. "I think once we get home and I lay down it'll stop."_

_He placed his eyes back on the road before speeding up a little bit. He hated seeing his wife in pain and he just wanted her to feel better. They were only 35 weeks into the pregnancy and still had a little bit to go. She had carried Jamie for 39 weeks before going into labor with him._

_He kept driving as they road in silence._

"_Can you please slow down?"_

_He glanced at her apologetically. "I'm just trying to get you home, Hales." _

"_Just…slow…down," Haley managed to get out. _

_He slowed the car down and glanced at her once again. She didn't look good. He tried his best to focus on the road and on her at the same time. _

"_Baby, maybe –"_

"_Something's not right," Haley chocked out as she clenched her hand tightly over her stomach. His eyes still tried to focus on both her and the road in front of them._

"_What is it?" Nathan rushed out, one of his hands left the steering wheel and reached out for her hand. It was only then that he noticed her lifting her hand up and the blood that covered it. He quickly glanced at her panicked face._

"_Oh god!" _

"_It's going to be ok," Nathan said as calmly as he could. "We're going to the –"_

"_Nathan, look out!"_

_He focused his eyes on the road just in time to see the bright headlights heading straight for them. His heart dropped in his chest and before he could turn the wheel the other car slammed right into them, the impact of the cars smashing together and Haley's screams were the last thing he heard before the darkness took over._

His eyes flew open quickly as he gasped for air. He sat up and glanced around to see where he was. Everything slowly came back to him as he realized he was still in his office. He was still breathing heavily as he laid himself back down on the sofa and placed his hands over his face.

He had been working hard all day long and then suddenly he had been too tired to even think straight so he had decided to take a quick nap. He glanced at the clock and noticed that that was four hours ago.

He removed his hands from his face before taking a deep breath. He wiped the sweat from his forehead and tried to calm himself down. He didn't know why he was dreaming about the accident now. It's not like he could go back and change it.

He often wondered if things could have been different. Like what if he had gotten the musical tickets for the weekend before like she wanted? Or what if their dinner hadn't been pushed back thirty minutes because of reservation problems? Or what if Haley hadn't been feeling sick? What if he had been driving slow like she wanted? What if he had seen the car before it hit them? What if he had taken her straight to the hospital like he wanted?

He wondered if any of those things had changed, would _it_ still happen?

It seemed like so many factors had played into that night and what happened. Would taking away one of those things change the end result? Would things still be this bad today if just one of those little things hadn't happened? He didn't know.

He wanted to go back and change things for Haley and for himself but he knew that wasn't possible. This was real and there was no taking it back. It happened, they lived it, and there was no going back. He liked to think that they survived it but he knew that was far from the truth. They hadn't survived anything.

That day destroyed their family.

It took their perfect little world and crushed it into a million pieces. No matter how hard he tried he couldn't seem to put their world back together. It seemed impossible at this point. Haley wouldn't even try and how could he fix them when she didn't want it. All she wanted was to be left alone and as a result Jamie was now questioning her love for him.

Last night had been so hard for him. Jamie was so little and innocent. He didn't need to be touched by their mess and yet, no matter how much he thought he protected Jamie from this, it hadn't worked. Jamie knew far too much about what was going on at home and that was a lot to take. He had tried so hard to keep Jamie away from all this mess. In the end he only failed.

He closed his eyes tight before opening them again.

Sometimes he wished that he could go back to before it happened.

But just like always reality set in as he noticed the time. Jamie would be wondering where he was soon and he didn't want to keep his son waiting. He got up and gathered all his things before making his way over to his brothers. He stood on the porch after knocking a few times. It was minutes later that Lucas answered the door with a huge smile on his face.

"Luke," Nathan greeted. He still hadn't apologized for yesterday so he started thinking about what he wanted to say.

"What are you doing here?" Lucas questioned surprised.

"I'm here to pick up Jamie," Nathan muttered. Why else would he be here? Lindsey had picked up Jamie after school just like always for him. Then she'd watch him for a few hours.

Lucas glanced at him confused. "But…Haley picked him up."

"What?"

"Lindsey said that Haley picked him up from school," Lucas repeated. "I thought you knew."

"And she just let her take him?" Nathan gritted out angrily.

Lucas looked taken back for a second before responding. "She's his mother, Nathan. What was Lindsey supposed to do?"

He knew that Lucas was right. He knew that he shouldn't feel this way about Haley picking up Jamie. In fact, he should be happy about it but all he felt was worry. He could feel everything in him start to freak out and he tried to control his emotions as he glared at his brother. Without a word he took off for his car before taking off.

Why would she go pick up Jamie? What had suddenly changed?

A million different scenarios played in his mind as he drove home hoping they'd be there. He didn't know what he'd do if he got home and they were gone. He didn't even want to think about it. All he could do was drive faster down the streets of Tree Hill. He started to calm down once he pulled into the driveway and noticed that her car was there.

He sat in the car for minutes as he calmed his breathing and his nerves. He took off walking towards the house with a heavy heart. Each step felt like a mile. He opened the front door slowly and placed his briefcase on the floor before taking off his jacket.

Then all of a sudden he heard laughter.

It stopped him in his tracks. It was seconds later before he heard it again.

_Laughing._

Was he hearing things? He wasn't just hearing Jamie. He was hearing Haley, too. He felt his heart beating rapidly in his chest as he walked slowly toward the sound. Maybe he was still dreaming. He didn't know. All he knew was the sound of her laughing again seem to make his blood race through his veins. It had his heart pounding, and his hands trembling. He turned the corner and noticed Haley and Jamie sitting on the living room floor playing one of his card games.

Jamie had a huge smile on his face as he flipped another card and surprisingly so did Haley. It had been so long since he had seen her smile that he felt the tears welling in his eyes. He held them back as he watched the amazing scene in front of him. This couldn't be real.

"I got another one!"

He watched as Jamie placed the two matching cards to the side before Haley flipped one over. Jamie started giggling when it didn't match any of her other cards. His heart only seemed to pick up speed.

"Your turn again, Jimmy Jam," Haley smiled at him.

"What's going on?" Nathan breathed.

They both looked up and noticed him at the same time.

"We're playing cards, Daddy," Jamie stated excitedly. "We've been playing all day."

He smiled at Jamie. "Sounds like fun."

"I'm going to go check on dinner," Haley announced before taking Jamie off of her lap and standing up.

She left the living room quickly and Nathan continued to smile at Jamie. Jamie just looked so happy that he couldn't help but feel relief all over his body. It felt like things were finally going to return back to normal. Jamie went back to the card game and Nathan watched him for minutes before slowly making his way into the kitchen. He didn't know why the sudden change in his wife's behavior but he liked it.

He noticed her standing in front of the sink as she washed a few dishes. The food on the stove smelt good and he felt his stomach growl. He hadn't eaten anything today.

He took off walking towards her and stopped when he made it right behind her. His hands hesitantly went to her waist as he bent down and kissed her neck softly. The feel of her soft warm skin against his lips sent a sudden rush of desire through him. It had been so long since he touched her like this. His hands moved up her waist and over her stomach as he kissed a trail up and down her neck.

He missed this so much. He missed being close to her.

"God, I've missed you so much," Nathan murmured against her skin.

He felt her body tense all over. "Nathan."

He stilled his lips and his hands at the sound of her voice. He swallowed the lump in his throat before dropping his hands to his sides. She didn't want him touching her. He could feel it. He felt his heart aching in his chest.

"Oh."

"I'm sorry," Haley whispered stiffly. "I just…"

"I thought…I thought…" he couldn't seem to find the right words. He placed his forehead on her shoulder when he realized that things hadn't changed at all. He could feel himself getting angry but he held it in. He didn't want to yell at her. He didn't want to be upset. It was like a bucket of cold water had been thrown on him. Her body was still tense as he lifted his forehead off of her shoulder and took a step back.

"I heard you and Jamie talking last night. I didn't realize…I'm so sorry for everything, Nathan. I'm just so messed up and I didn't realize that I was hurting him. I wasn't thinking clearly."

So that's what it was. This wasn't about her finally ready to move on. This was about what she heard Jamie say. This was about Jamie. A part of him was glad that she heard because even if she didn't want him to touch her, she wanted to be there for Jamie. He was at least happy for that.

"Right," Nathan breathed.

"I need to start thinking about Jamie."

"Of course," Nathan nodded. "What about us, Haley?"

She shook her head before drying her hands with the towel. "I'm just not…ready."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Nathan wondered angrily. What the hell was she talking about? She was _his_ wife.

"I have to get back to Jamie."

He watched as she walked away from him once again. He stood there frozen for minutes. He felt so many different emotions in that moment that he didn't know what to do. He didn't know if he wanted to yell, be angry, or just cry. It felt like he was being pulled in a million different directions.

~***~

Nathan stood on the back porch with a beer in his hands. He watched as the sun started to fade slowly away in the distance. After watching Haley and Jamie play for most of the afternoon he left them alone. He knew that Haley didn't want him watching her every move.

So here he was, sulking on the back porch.

"Hey, stranger."

"Clay," Nathan greeted with a smile as Clay pushed open the gate that divided their two yards. Clay made it next to him seconds later and Nathan reached down on the table and handed Clay the extra beer he had pulled for himself.

"Haven't seen you around much," Clay smiled before taking a seat.

"You know work," Nathan muttered before sitting as well.

"Tell me about it."

"So how's Sarah?"

"Great," Clay grinned. "They actually just kicked me out of the kitchen. Apparently I was making the cake wrong. Whatever."

Nathan chuckled. "I'm sure you were."

"I was following the directions!"

"Right."

"Madison has actually been asking about Jamie. Where is he?"

"Inside with his mom," Nathan replied. "We should do something soon that way the kids could see each other."

"She would love that," Clay smiled.

"Yeah, so would he. This will be good for him," Nathan decided. Jamie loved playing with Madison. Before everything had happened they'd play out in the backyard just about every night until Sarah and Haley would call them inside. Jamie and Madison hated that a lot. Jamie used to get so upset. He smiled at the memory.

"How you been, Nate?"

"Ok," Nathan responded. "Just trying to take it one day at a time."

"That's all you can do."

"Yep."

"We miss hanging out with you guys."

"Yeah," Nathan agreed. Over the years Clay and Sarah had become really good friends to them. They usually did something together once a week but after the accident Nathan hadn't really seen much of them.

"I know we haven't been around much but we've just been giving you space."

"I know."

"Maybe we could all get together soon. Sarah could cook," Clay suggested.

Nathan glanced at the ground. "I don't know if now's the best time."

He took a swig of his beer before glancing at the bottle in his hands. Sure he'd love nothing more than to hang out with Clay and Sarah and pretend that things were ok between him and Haley but he knew that wouldn't help things.

"Some other time then," Clay smiled softly.

"Yeah, some other time."

"Daddy!"

"Now they want me home," Clay chuckled. "Women!"

"Tell me about it," Nathan muttered.

"I guess I better head back over there. We should hang out soon."

"I'd like that."

"I'll see ya. Thanks for the beer."

"No problem," Nathan smiled. He watched as Clay disappeared into his yard before he went back to watching the sun set. He held the beer tight in his hands as he took it all in. He wondered if and when things would get better. He somehow needed to know. He was barely hanging on as it was.

Time seemed to keep moving but he didn't seem to notice. It was then that Jamie broke him out of his thoughts. He was halfway hanging out the door with a huge grin on his face. Nathan couldn't help but smile back.

"Dinner's ready, Daddy."

He stood up and followed Jamie inside the kitchen. He took a seat at the head of the table before Haley placed his plate of food in front of him. He sat and waited as she moved around and then put Jamie's plate in front of him. It wasn't long before she joined them. He couldn't help but notice how small of a plate she fixed herself. In fact, he wanted to say something but held it in. He didn't want to ruin this day for Jamie.

"This smells really good," Nathan mumbled.

Jamie nodded. "Really good, Momma."

"Let's eat," Haley smiled softly at Jamie.

Nathan started eating quickly. His eyes closed with the first bite. It had been so long since she had cooked for them and she was the best cook in the world if you asked him. He had missed her food so much. This was way better than takeout or pizza. He continued eating. Every few seconds he'd glance and notice the huge smile on Jamie's face as he ate. Jamie seemed so happy that he couldn't help but smile.

It quickly faded when he glanced over at Haley and noticed that she was glancing down at her plate as she pushed her food around with her fork. She hadn't touched a single thing in her plate and he was already almost finished with his. He felt his heart aching painfully in his chest as he watched her. No, Haley wasn't back at all no matter how much she pretended in front of Jamie. That much was clear.

After dinner she put Jamie to bed. He stood in the doorway as he listened to her read Jamie his favorite book. He watched as she kissed Jamie goodnight before leaving the room. He stood in the doorway as Jamie smiled at him.

"Night, buddy," Nathan whispered before turning off the light and closing the door. He took off walking down the hall until he made it to their room. He noticed her sitting at the edge of their bed. He stood in the doorway as he watched her.

When he couldn't take the silence anymore, he sighed.

"Hales, about tomorrow…?"

He didn't know what he was supposed to do when he woke up in the morning for work. Should he take Jamie over to Lindsey or leave him here? He didn't know if things would be different for her tomorrow. He didn't know anything. She never talked to him anymore.

"I know you don't trust me with him but I promise that I'll take good care of him. I won't let anything happen to him, Nathan."

"Of course I trust you with him, Hales. You're his mother. Why would you think…?"

"I wouldn't blame you for not trusting him with me considering…"

He swallowed the lump in his throat. "Considering what?"

"You know what," Haley whispered painfully.

With the sound of her voice he knew that that was it. That was all he was getting out of her. She wasn't going to talk to him about it anymore.

~***~

Silence filled the whole house as she stood in the doorway of the guest bedroom. She watched Nathan sleeping as she did most nights when he actually slept. She could feel a longing in the pit of her stomach as she watched him. Part of her just wished that things could go back to normal so that she could crawl into bed with him. She missed the comfort of his arms and the way he made her feel.

She hated what this was doing to Nathan.

She knew that the only thing that was hurting him was her. She didn't want to hurt him. She just didn't know how to let him in. It was easier dealing with the pain by herself that way she couldn't hurt him anymore than she already had. She had hurt him enough. She knew that.

He didn't deserve this. He deserved so much better.

She watched him for a few more seconds before turning hesitantly. She wiped her tears away as she started walking down the hall. She made it to the nursery and walked around the room slowly. She reached the ultrasound picture and held it in her hands. She glanced at it for a long time before placing it right back in its place.

She took one last look around before leaving the nursery. She felt herself being pulled towards Jamie's room. Somehow he made things hurt a little less today and she was glad for that. She missed Jamie more than words could say. She needed him. She knew that now.

She reached his room seconds later before crawling into bed with him. She felt his little body shift in his sleep before he wrapped his arm around her and cuddled into her side. She smiled as she rubbed his arm softly. Leaning in, she kissed his forehead. Sleeping with Jamie meant that the nightmares would stay away.

She closed her eyes hoping that tomorrow would be a little less painful as today had been. She knew know matter what she had to do better for her son. He was all she had left.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five –When You Give More Than You Take

"Get up, sleepyhead!"

She felt someone shake her and she buried her head further under the pillows. She had woken up earlier this morning with Jamie's legs in her side so she went to her bed. The shaking continued and she sighed in frustration.

"Go away!"

She closed her eyes and prayed to fall back asleep. It was seconds later that she felt Brooke's cold hands pulling her out of bed. Once the pillow was out of her face she noticed that it was only nine thirty. Why was Brooke here so freaking early?

"What?"

"Get up. I made breakfast and the boys are waiting for us," Brooke explained as she let her go.

She felt her body relax. "Jamie's up?"

"Yep."

"How long…?"

"Few minutes. He didn't want to wake you. Now get dressed and get downstairs." She felt Brooke's eyes on her as she stood up and stretched. She felt uncomfortable with Brooke's gaze on her and she quickly folded her arms over her chest.

"Let me just change," Haley muttered before walking towards the bathroom.

"I put your clothes for the day in there," Brooke called out.

She walked into the bathroom and noticed the only thing sitting on the counter was a bathing suit. She glanced at it for a second before lifting it up and walking back towards the door. She held it out as she glanced at Brooke.

"It's a bathing suit."

"Duh," Brooke laughed. "We're hanging out by the pool today. Seriously, Hales, have you looked at yourself lately. You need some sun in your life. You're so pale. We'll hang by the pool while the boys play. We'll get a nice tan."

"But –"

"Do you want me to put it on you?"

She sighed in frustration once again. "Fine. I'll be down in a few minutes." She slammed the bathroom door shut as she heard Brooke laughing. She rolled her eyes before looking at herself in the mirror. She knew that Brooke was right. She was pale. She had stopped worrying about what she looked like because she really didn't care.

But things were different now. She needed to get better for Jamie. He needed her to get better. She could do this. She had to do this. She undressed herself before placing the bathing suit on. She glanced down and noticed how thin she had gotten. She couldn't help it. Food just didn't taste the same anymore. She noticed the scar running across her stomach and she traced it with her finger. It was just another reminder of what she lost.

She stood there for minutes just looking at it. Then she put a shirt over her bathing suit before making her way downstairs. Everyone was already sitting at the table eating as she made it into the kitchen.

"Morning, Momma," Jamie grinned.

She smiled at him before kissing his cheek. "Morning, baby." She took a seat next to him as Brooke pushed a huge plate of food in front of her. Food was piled to the top. She glanced at it for a few minutes before looking at Brooke.

"Eat up," Brooke smiled before sending her a pointed look. With that she knew that Brooke wouldn't let it go until she ate it all. It was just another reminder of how thin she was. She started eating slowly. She couldn't taste anything as she swallowed each bite. Everyone had finished before her and waited until she was done.

"Can we go _now_?" Jacob asked impatiently.

"Please," Jamie added.

"You have to let your food go down first," Haley spoke up before Brooke could.

"She's right."

"But –"

"Jamie take Jacob play your game while we clean the dishes and then we'll go."

"Ok," Jamie mumbled before standing up. She watched both of them walk slowly into the living room with their swimming shorts on. They only seemed upset for a second before Jamie turned on the game and they started playing. She glanced at Brooke who was grinning at her.

"You look better," Brooke commented.

"I feel better," Haley smiled softly.

"Why the sudden change? Not that I'm complaining."

"I uh, I heard Jamie and Nathan talking. I didn't realize what this would do to him. I wasn't thinking clearly. I wasn't thinking at all actually. I want to get better, Brooke, I do."

"That's great," Brooke smiled. "I'll help you, Hales. You'll get through this."

She nodded. "For Jamie."

Brooke opened her mouth to say more but closed it a second later. They took their time cleaning the dishes. It felt weird doing something like washing dishes again. It had been so long since she did a normal thing like this. It felt kind of nice. It wasn't long before they were lying out by the pool while the boys played in the water.

She closed her eyes as the sun beamed down on them. She could hear the boys splashing water at each other and she smiled at the sound of Jamie giggling. It seemed to warm something inside of her.

"How you feeling?"

She glanced sideways at Brooke. "It changes."

"What do you mean?"

"When Jamie is around I feel fine and even happy but when he's not I just feel…I feel…I can't explain it. Empty. Lost. Confused. Take your pick."

Talking was good. This was so different than talking to Olivia. She went to therapy every few weeks because her mother and Nathan made her. She even talked to Olivia from time to time while she was there. But talking to her best friend was easy. It always had been. She could tell Brooke anything. Even things that were hard for her to talk about. It was good talking. Olivia really wanted her to open up to someone.

She felt Brooke take hold of her hand a second later and give it a comforting squeeze.

"Hales."

"This is just _so_ hard."

"I know, sweetie, but at least you've realized that you've got too much to lose."

"I can't lose Jamie," Haley whispered. "I won't. He's all I have left."

"That's not true," Brooke stated truthfully. "You've got your family, you've got me, and you've got Nathan."

She closed her eyes. Yeah, she knew she had all those people. They loved her and she loved them. But with Jamie it was different. He was _hers_. She couldn't live without him. He was the only thing keeping her going. She needed him.

"I talked to Nathan," Brooke muttered.

"Brooke," Haley started as her voice cracked. She didn't want to talk about him.

"He says you won't even let him touch you, Haley," Brooke finished.

She glanced at Brooke with a hard stare. She couldn't help it. Brooke totally caught her off guard with that. She didn't know that Brooke and Nathan had talked that much since she was back in town. The fact that Nathan had told Brooke so much was unsettling. She didn't like the fact that he was opening up to Brooke for some reason.

_Well, it's not like you talk to him_, a voice whispered in her head.

She knew the voice was right. She had been ignoring him for months now and of course he'd need to talk to someone about things. At least it was Brooke and not someone else. Brooke was still waiting for her to answer and she knew that she couldn't lie to Brooke. Brooke would know if she was lying. Brooke always knew.

"I don't want him touching me because he makes me feel…alive," Haley explained in a whisper before glancing away.

"But –"

"I don't want to feel anything, Brooke. I don't deserve to feel that way."

"Haley," Brooke started sympathetically. "Why would you say that?"

"Can we just not talk about it right now?"

Her eyes stayed glued to the boys who were still splashing each other. Out of the corner of her eye she noticed Brooke nod before looking away from her. She was thankful. She had opened up enough and she didn't feel like getting into it right now.

* * *

Brooke's giggling continued in her ears as she watched her pour the rest of the margarita mix into her cup. She finished off the rest of her drink and smiled.

"I'm serious," Brooke giggled.

"I don't believe you."

"It's the truth," Brooke continued. "It was freshman year. I was just getting out of the shower and I forgot that he was coming over. When I walked into my room completely naked he was sitting on my bed."

She laughed. "I can't believe Jake saw you naked and you never told me."

"We swore that we'd never speak of it again," Brooke smiled.

"Well he never walked in on me naked."

"You should've seen his face. It was priceless. It was like he had never seen a girl naked before. After about ten seconds I finally realized that I needed to cover up. I mean, it was Jake!"

"I know," Haley laughed.

"I'll never forget that," Brooke smiled. "After I changed it was like nothing happened. We just went straight to the movies and things were normal again. I miss him."

"Yeah, so do I," Haley agreed. "Is this ok?"

"What?"

"This," Haley continued. "Me laughing and having fun. Is it ok?"

"Of course it is."

She nodded but couldn't find her voice. If it was ok then why did she feel so bad for having a good time?

"No fighting," Brooke shouted at the boys.

Jacob glared at her. "But we're only playing!"

"You'll hurt him. He's smaller than you."

"I can handle it," Jamie spoke up. "He can't catch me anyway."

She couldn't help but laugh as Jamie started backing away from Jacob.

"He's really glad you're here. He missed Jacob."

"I know. We love being back. I mean, don't get me wrong. We love living in New York and traveling, but now I don't know. Being here again…Jacob loves it here so much. It just feels like we're home."

"Has Julian called?"

"Every night," Brooke said softly. "He and Jacob talk for hours about their days."

"And the two of you?"

"I don't know what to say to him, Hales. I mean, he basically chose work over being with us. How can I be ok with that?"

She really felt sorry for Brooke. "I guess you can't."

"He says he loves us more than anything but if that was the case then he'd be here with us. I only went to Paris because he took that stupid movie deal without even talking to me about it. I guess he just thought that we'd pack up and move to LA for three months while he works on it. I just couldn't."

For the first time since she had been back, Brooke looked really sad.

"I'm sorry," Haley whispered.

"Some guys just don't know how to put their family first. Not all of us are lucky enough to have such a wonderful man in our life like you do, Hales. I hope you know how truly rare guys like Nathan are."

She swallowed the lump in her throat. "I do."

"I really hope that you do."

"I love my husband, Brooke. Please don't make me feel worse."

"Good. That's good. You guys have been through a lot. I know you'll get through this."

She glanced away.

"I need another drink," Brooke announced.

Before Brooke could get up she did. She reached for the pitcher and smiled down at Brooke. She wasn't the only one with problems she realized. Brooke had a lot going on in her life and even then she still found the time to come down here and try to help her. The least she could do was be there for Brooke and try and help her as well. They were best friends.

She made her way into the house with a smile on her face. Once she was inside, she quickly started fixing another pitcher of margaritas. Glancing out the window she noticed Jamie and Jacob taking turns jumping into the pool and she couldn't help but smile. It was so good to see Jamie happy.

She jumped when she heard a loud noise and quickly turned. She placed a hand over her heart as she glanced at Nathan.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you," Nathan muttered.

She shook her head. "It's ok. I'm fine."

She could feel his heated gaze on her. She watched as he took in the sight of her and it had her heart leaping out of her chest. She glanced down at herself and remembered that she was only wearing a bikini. She felt her cheeks flush as she glanced up at him again. He was looking at her like he had so many times before. She knew that look, knew everything he was thinking, and what he wanted. She knew exactly what he wanted and it started stirring something deep inside of her. No man had ever looked at her the way Nathan had.

She glanced away before going back to fixing the margaritas.

"You look…good," Nathan finally spoke up. She closed her eyes at the sound of his husky voice. She could still feel his hungry eyes on her.

She reached for the pitcher as soon as she was done.

"I brought home dinner," Nathan added minutes later. "I know it's early but I'd figured the boys would be hungry from swimming all afternoon."

She nodded as she turned to leave the kitchen. She hadn't realized that they had been outside for so long. The boys had taken a break for lunch earlier but then wanted to get right back into the pool.

"I'll just get them inside," Haley mumbled before rushing out the door. His heated gaze was making her feel things that she didn't want to feel. It was making her want to…

"What took so long?"

"Nathan brought home dinner," Haley rushed out as Brooke broke her out of her thoughts.

Brooke glanced at her confused. "What time is it?"

"Five," Haley replied quickly. She prayed that her cheeks returned to normal. She didn't need Brooke to realize that she had been blushing. That would be bad. Brooke wouldn't let it go if she did.

"Wow," Brooke giggled. "I can't believe we've been out here all freaking day."

"Time really flew," Haley agreed.

"I guess that's what happens when you're having fun."

"Yep, I guess so," Haley nodded. It felt strange to be having fun. These last few months had felt like a lifetime being trapped in nothing but darkness and pain. She could still feel it all wanting to pull her back in. She quickly glanced at Jamie and it was gone. She smiled. She didn't want to be depressed anymore. She just wanted to get better.

"I'm really glad you're trying, Hales," Brooke smiled at her. "It means a lot to them. They really needed this and so do you. I don't want to see you lose your family."

She swallowed the lump in her throat. She didn't want to lose them either.

"Guys, it's time for dinner," Haley called out. She couldn't help but smile when they started complaining that they didn't want to get out. For a second it felt like it was last summer and they were back on that vacation in Florida and everything was normal and everyone was happy.

"Let's go," Brooke stated sternly. "Chop-chop!"

* * *

He stood in the bathroom breathing deeply. When minutes flew by and he still hadn't calmed down, he quickly splashed his face with water. He didn't know what was wrong with him. It's not like he hadn't seen her in a bikini before. It was actually pretty ridiculous. He felt like an eighteen year old boy again.

He hadn't expected to walk in and find her like that.

After not seeing her like that in so long, it was a shock to find her in the kitchen like that. He couldn't help how he had looked at her. She was his wife –the most beautiful thing he had ever laid eyes on. He wanted her so badly it literally hurt him. It had been so long since they had been close. He couldn't help how seeing her like that made him feel. He was a man after all.

He wiped his face and glanced at himself in the mirror. Dinner had been better than he thought it would. He was actually surprised when Haley finished off her plate of food. It made him happy to know that she was eating again. That was good. She needed to put some weight on. She had lost so much in the last few months. It was so good that she was eating.

Not only that, it was good that she was smiling again. God, he missed her smile. Even though she hadn't smiled at him, she still smiled throughout dinner when she was talking to Brooke or Jamie. And she was talking again. And laughing. He missed her laughing as well. It was so good to hear her laugh again.

He could feel his chest warming as he remembered how happy she seemed just minutes ago in the kitchen. Even if she wasn't happy because of him, at least she was still happy.

It felt like she was coming back to life, little by little. He couldn't help but smile. Maybe things were looking up. He could wait for her to come to him. He wouldn't push her. They needed to talk about so many things, he wanted to tell her so many things, and he wanted her, wanted to be close to her again. He needed it more than he realized.

They still had so many things to work through but she was trying. That's all that mattered. She was trying and eventually she'd open up to him like he wanted. He couldn't wait for her to let him back in. He missed the intimacy of their marriage. He missed talking to her. He missed all of her.

Another flash of her in that bikini came into his mind and he quickly started the shower before taking off his clothes. He needed to relieve the tension in his body and thinking about her was only making things worse for him. He stepped into the cold shower.

"_We can't do this here!"_

_He continued kissing her neck as his hands roamed over the curves of her body. The sound of her giggling had him smiling against her skin. He knew she was probably right but he couldn't bring himself to stop. After being stuck in stupid classes all day he needed this._

"_No one will hear," Nathan promised._

_She ran her fingers through his hair and he couldn't help but push up against her again. He heard her moaning and it only made him nip and suck on her neck harder._

"_We're in the library," Haley whispered as he pushed her up against a shelf of books. They were currently on the top floor of the library all the way in the back where no one ever went to look for books. He grinned as he pulled away._

"_No ones up here," Nathan smirked before crashing his lips back down to hers. It was true. He hadn't seen anyone on their way up here and no one ever used the old stupid books up here anyway. The place was practically abandoned except for the few people up front but they were too far away to hear anything._

"_We have to be quiet," Haley stated between kisses. _

_Their mouths moved together flawlessly. "I want you so much right now."_

_His hands moved up her thighs as she unbuttoned his shirt. Once he felt her warm hands on his chest he nearly lost all control. He quickly undid his pants before pulling them down slightly. She was kissing him passionately and he quickly lifted her up and pushed up her skirt._

_He quickly slammed into her before crashing his lips on hers to quiet her moans of pleasure. He completely lost himself in her as they moved together perfectly. His mouth devoured hers as she gripped the rounds of his shoulders. She pulled away seconds later before glancing at him in panic._

"_I think I hear someone."_

_He couldn't stop moving inside of her. "It's no one."_

"_But –" he quickly silenced her with a kiss. His wife was so paranoid sometimes. It was actually kind of cute. But at the moment all he could think about was pleasuring her. He didn't care if anyone saw them either. It was kind of thrilling knowing that they could get caught._

"_You have to admit, it's a little exciting knowing that we could get caught," he whispered huskily against her lips. He pulled away and glanced into her eyes as he continued moving rapidly._

_She bit her lip and moaned softly. "Yes."_

"_You're so fucking sexy. I love you so much." He slammed his mouth down to hers as he felt her inner muscles clench around his length. He silenced her cries of pleasure with his mouth as he lost himself with her._

After dressing himself, he went tell Jamie goodnight. He took off to find Haley once he was done. He found her in the backyard sitting next to the pool. She had her feet in the water. He shoved his hands in his pockets before walking slowly over to her. He stood next to her sitting figure as he glanced out at the pool.

"Hey," Nathan stated as he glanced down at her. She didn't move an inch.

He noticed her hands shaking. "Hey," she whispered.

"How was your day?"

"Good."

"That's good," Nathan nodded before looking away. "I'm really happy that you're trying, Hales. I just think that if we talk then maybe…"

She shook her head. "I can't."

"If you just let me in…"

"I don't know what you want me to say, Nathan. I just want to be alone. I just don't feel like talking right now."

He could feel his blood start to boil. "You never want to talk!"

"I don't want to fight with you."

"We're not fighting! We're talking!"

She glanced up at him before standing up. "You're yelling."

"Look, I'm sorry. I just think we should talk. I need us to talk. Just give me something. _Anything._ I miss you so much, Haley." His hands wanted nothing more than to reach out and touch her. He actually had to hold himself back from reaching out to her. She was so close physically and yet emotionally they were a million miles away from each other. She didn't bother looking at him as she glanced down.

"I'm tired, Nathan."

He quickly reached out for her hand and took it in his.

"Please just –"

She yanked it free before glaring up at him. "Don't touch me!"

"Why?" Nathan demanded roughly as he took a step closer. "Why can't I touch you? You're my wife for crying out loud! You used to love me touching you! Remember?"

She glanced away before folding her arms across her chest.

"You're not going to answer me? I don't know how much more of this I can take, Haley."

"I don't know what you want from me," Haley whispered.

He glared at her in disbelief. "What I want from you? All I've ever wanted is _you_!"

"I don't know if I can be who you need me to be."

"All I want you to be is _my_ wife," Nathan returned angrily. "Is that too much to ask?"

"I'm –"

"Don't," Nathan warned. He didn't want to hear another apology from her.

He clenched his fists at his sides as he glared at her. He promised himself he wouldn't do this, wouldn't push her, but he needed to be close to her again. Didn't she know how much he needed her? Didn't she get it? He didn't know how much more of this he could take. Everything was just getting too hard.

When it became too much for him he shook his head before walking away from her. He couldn't stand there a second longer.

"I'm sorry. Where are you going, Nathan? It's late." Haley called out.

He rolled his eyes angrily. "Like you care."

* * *

"Come on, baby."

"No thanks," Carrie said before turning away.

"You know you want to."

"She said no, so back off," Nathan stated as he glared at the huge guy. He watched as the guy held up his hands before shaking his head and walking away. Nathan took a seat at the bar and ignored Carrie smiling at him.

"I've never seen you jealous before," Carrie smiled pleased.

He glanced at her. "And you still haven't."

"What are you doing here?" Carrie asked ignoring him.

"Can I get a scotch?"

"Sure thing, Nate," Owen nodded before placing a glass of scotch in front of him.

"Well?"

"I'm having a drink," Nathan muttered as he held up the glass and took a sip. It burned his throat and chest on the way down but he didn't care.

She continued smiling at him. "I can see that."

"Hopefully more than one," Nathan added when he finished the glass a second later. He pushed it back towards Owen and waited for a refill. After today all he wanted was to get drunk and forget about everything. Drinking always seemed to numb the pain so he was going to sit here and drink all his troubles away.

"You want to talk about it?"

He shook his head. "Nope."

"Well, do you want to dance? It'll be fun," Carrie suggested. "I love this song."

"I'm married, Carrie," Nathan stated as he glanced at her.

"And?"

"I'm _happily_ married," Nathan added as he held up his hand with his wedding ring showing.

He watched as she glanced at him for seconds before pushing her drink away and standing up. She then placed a few bills on the bar before looking back at him. Her smile faded as she took in the sight of him.

"You don't look happy to me."


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six –The Hardest Thing I'll Ever Have To Do

"That was so awesome!"

"I'm glad you liked it," Haley laughed softly as she held Jamie tight in her arms. He yawned before resting his little head on her shoulder and she couldn't help but smile. She kissed his forehead softly as she walked them into the house. With the exciting day they just had, she was sure that he was exhausted. It was way past his nap time.

"I wanna hang out with Jacob every day."

She sighed. "You know they don't live here, sweetie."

"I know," Jamie mumbled. "I don't want them to leave, Momma. I want Aunt Brooke and Jacob to live here like us…he's my best friend."

"Your best friend, huh?" Haley smiled as they made it up the stairs. "What about Madison?"

Jamie turned his head away from her. "I don't see her anymore."

"She lives next door. You play with her all the time."

"Not anymore, Momma," Jamie mumbled tiredly.

It was then that she realized how wrong she had been. Yeah, Jamie used to play in the backyard with Madison every day up until the accident. She felt all the good feels from today drain from her body slowly and she held Jamie tighter trying to hold onto them. It was just another reminder of how she let her own selfish feelings affect Jamie. Now because of her he wasn't hanging out with one of his best friends. How could he? Nathan and Jamie had been gone so much since the accident because of her. They never came home until it was late because Nathan didn't want Jamie around her.

Sure he'd never said it but he didn't have to. She knew how he felt. It's not like she had wanted Jamie to see her like that either.

But things were different now. Ever since she heard Jamie talking to Nathan that night she had snapped out of her zombie daze. She couldn't go on like that knowing how much it was truly affecting him. This wasn't his fault. He was just her innocent beautiful little boy. He's what woke her up every morning and got her through the day.

Even if she had to pretend to be ok every single second of the day it didn't matter because she was doing it for him. He needed her and she couldn't turn her back on that. He meant too much to her. He was all she had left, the only thing keeping her together.

By the time she made it to his room he was fast asleep in her arms. She placed him in his bed softly before covering him up. After running around with Jacob all afternoon she was sure that he'd be out for a few hours. She kissed him softly on the forehead before making sure that he was tucked in tight. Glancing up, she noticed the picture of the three of them next to his books. She glanced at it for a second before looking away. They had all been so happy back then. It felt like a lifetime ago. It _was _a lifetime ago. She wasn't that person in the picture anymore no matter how much she wanted to be.

She left his room closing the door softly. She knew that she should just go back downstairs and do something else but as she stood in the hallway she couldn't help but be drawn down the hall.

The pull to it was so strong that she couldn't help but walk towards it. She wouldn't stay long she told herself. Just a quick look inside and then she'd go downstairs and start dinner for Jamie. She knew it wasn't healthy. Going in that room wouldn't help her. It wouldn't change anything and yet the need to be in there was so strong that she couldn't stay away. She needed to be in that room even if it was only for a second.

She turned the knob slowly before pushing the door open.

Her heart dropped as she took a good look around. It was wrong. _All_ of it was wrong. She felt panic rise in her throat. A cold feeling washed over her and her good time with Jamie faded away. All the good feelings from earlier were completely gone and she was numb again, just like always when Jamie wasn't around.

Everything was packed in boxes in the middle of the room. Where there was once beautiful pink walls was now only the color white. And _he_ was just standing there with his back to her as he painted over the only pink wall left. She felt like screaming but it got stuck in her throat. The panic only seemed to build. The little normalcy that she had built up in her life these last two weeks seemed to come crashing down around her. She felt something in her snap as she rushed into the middle of the room.

"What are you doing?" Haley hissed angrily.

Nathan glanced over his shoulder before looking at her. "It's time, Haley."

"Put everything back! Put everything back _exactly_ like it was!" Her panicked voice didn't seem to do anything to him as he carefully placed down the paint brush in his hands. She ripped open one of the taped up boxes and started taking everything that she could in her hands before tossing it carefully to the ground. She didn't know what he thought he was doing but she was putting everything back exactly like it was. _Everything._ She didn't care how long it took her.

"Stop it," Nathan ordered harshly.

"No…no…no…put it all back!"

"No!"

"Then get out! I'll do it by myself," Haley shouted angrily. She was frantically tossing as much as she could out of the box in front of her as Nathan started lifting everything off of the ground and putting it back in. It seemed pointless as they went back and forth but she couldn't find it in her to stop.

"It's time to let go, Haley. It's time."

"Shut up!"

"It's been long enough. This…this isn't healthy. You spend so much time in here like…"

When she couldn't take his words any longer, she turned towards him and lost it. Her arms seemed to take on a life of their own as she swung out at him as hard as she could. She couldn't stop slapping and punching him in the chest. She could feel the loud sobs leaving her as her whole body trembled with rage.

"I hate you! I hate you so much! You've ruined it…You've…"

"She's gone!" Nathan shouted bitterly.

She couldn't control her hand as it slammed hard into his face. "Just stop it! Shut up!"

"She's gone and she's not coming back," Nathan continued as he stood there and let her hit him.

She could feel the tears rolling steady down her cheeks just like they had since the accident. That dull numbing pain was stronger than ever. It wrapped around her and started to suck everything out of her again. The huge hole in her only seemed to burn frantically at his words. It hurt. _Everything_ hurt. Her hands fell to her sides.

"She's gone. I've sat back long enough to give you time to grieve but you're _not _grieving, Haley. You're still holding on like she's still here and I can't just sit back and watch you anymore. I need to help you. I _have_ to help you. I can fix this."

She sent him a cold glare. "I'm not some problem you can just fix!"

"You're my wife," Nathan declared.

"I hate you," Haley seethed.

He shrugged. "I don't care. You do realize that this is the most you've talked to me in months?"

"Ugh!" Then she was hitting him again, harder this time. She could feel all the pain and anger in every punch she threw at his chest. There was so much in her that it consumed everything in her. Nothing could stop it. His hands eventually took hold of her arms minutes later. She tried her best to fight him off but it was no use. Her back slammed against the only unpainted wall in the room. He pinned her arms against the wall.

"Don't touch me! Just get away from me!"

She tried to push him off but it didn't work. He only seemed to grip her arms tighter in his hands. She glared up at him with as much hatred as she could. His hungry eyes were glaring back down at her. She quickly looked away. His hands were burning her arms so badly that she felt like she could scream out in pain but she held it in. Didn't he know what he was doing to her?

Didn't he know that she didn't want him touching her for the simple fact that it made her feel alive and she didn't want to feel _anything_?

They both stood there breathing rapidly. She could feel those hungry eyes of his burning holes in her but she couldn't bring herself to look up at him.

"No," Nathan stated calmly.

"Nathan, please," Haley whispered as a few more tears fell. "I can't do this. You're hurting me. Please just let me go."

His grip on her arms loosened but he didn't let go. She wanted to tell him that she didn't mean it like _that_, that it was more than _that _but she couldn't find the words. As she breathed in, the trail of fire that always followed burned its way down, scorching everything in its way like it always did. She felt like she had nothing in her.

He was letting her calm down and she was grateful. She hadn't meant to say all those hurtful things to him. She had hurt him enough over the last few months. She didn't need to add to the damage. Once her breathing was calm and the tears slowed she finally glanced up at him.

"I love you," Nathan whispered. She could slowly see the rage leave his eyes. It wasn't long before she felt the air shift between them as he glanced down at her with need. She swallowed the lump in her throat as he leaned in slowly towards her. Before he could reach her lips, she turned. His face was resting against the side of hers as he breathed in deeply before sighing.

"I'm sorry I can't…I can't do this anymore."

She searched for the right words but she knew she wouldn't find them. It would be hard no matter which words she used. It all hurt the same in the end. It was killing her.

"I can't be here in this house with you…I _can't_…I need sometime away from you…I need space…I need time…"

Truthfully she didn't know what she needed but she knew that she couldn't keep on hurting him like this. He deserved better, he deserved _more,_ and she couldn't be what he needed right now. She couldn't be his wife. She had given him everything over the years and there was simply nothing left in her to give. He needed something from her that she just couldn't give him. She was empty.

She hated how much this was hurting him. She didn't want that. She heard him breathe deeply.

"Tell me you don't love me anymore."

If that's what he needed to hear then she could say it couldn't she? She searched for the words deep in her knowing that she wouldn't find them. Even if she could manage to say it, would he believe her? They would both know it was a lie. After all this wasn't about her love for him. She loved him. She had since she was eighteen. She could feel more tears leave her as his warm breath continued to hit the side of her face.

"I can't…" Haley whimpered softly. "I can't."

He let go of her arms and stepped away from her. Before she could turn to face him he was out the door. Her hand as covering the sobs leaving her mouth a second later as she slid to the floor. She was crying uncontrollably. It was a while later that she picked herself up off the floor and left the room. She was in her room a second later as she moved around frantically, packing as much as she could.

When she was finished, she sat at the side of the bed before picking up the phone. She dialed slowly and then waited for someone to pick up. Tears were still rolling down her cheeks and she knew they wouldn't stop for the rest of the night. She felt little relief when someone answered.

"Mom," she cried softly.

* * *

She held Jamie tightly in her arms as she made it out of his room. He was still fast asleep. Their bags were over her shoulder. She had heard her mother pulling up a few minutes ago and she couldn't put this off any longer. It was just time. Once they reached the stairs her heart dropped.

Nathan was sitting at the bottom with his head on his lap, his hands covering his face. Her mother was standing next to him with a comforting hand on his shoulder.

She started walking down the stairs slowly, thankful that Jamie was asleep. Once she reached the bottom, she glanced at her mother who was looking at her with sad eyes. She could feel herself wanting to breakdown and cry again but she held it in. She handed Jamie off to her mother carefully.

"I'll just give you two sometime alone," Karen said softly. "Take however long you need."

It was only then that Nathan stood up. Haley watched as he kissed Jamie's head softly before taking a few steps away from them and facing the other way. He was crying and didn't want her to see, but she did. Her mother glanced at him apologetically before turning and leaving the house. She stood there for the longest time not sure of what to say.

She never imagined this moment, never even considered it. It was all so surreal.

But she knew with certainty that she needed this. She didn't know why she needed it but she did. Nathan was still standing tensely faced the other way. She didn't know what to say to him. Nothing would make this ok. It was hurting the both of them. She didn't even want to think about what Jamie would think when he'd wake up in a different bed. She couldn't think about that now.

She started walking for the door and stopped halfway before reaching it. She couldn't bring herself to look at him. It would only make things harder.

"I'm so sorry…I'm _so_, so sorry." It came out in a whisper. She didn't know what else to say. That hole in her heart was burning frantically again. She was about to take off walking again when she heard his pleading voice. It held her in place.

"Please."

Then before she knew it he was in front of her and he was hugging her so tight that her whole body burned. Her stomach recoiled in pain. He kept mumbling that same word over and over as he held onto her with everything in him. No matter how much him touching her hurt she couldn't push him away. She could take the pain. In fact, she deserved it.

His lips landed by her ear and his warm breath made her shiver in his arms.

"Please don't do this. Don't leave me. Please."

All she could do was cry as he pleaded with her. Her arms were hanging by her sides unable to hold him back. He pulled away from her before looking into her eyes. Those blue eyes were boring into her, pleading with her.

"I'm sorry."

He flinched as if she had hit him. She closed her eyes in pain. The look in his eyes was like a punch in the face to her. He had been looking at her with hate in his eyes. She had felt it. It was like he had finally had enough and he couldn't take it anymore. She didn't blame him. She was ripping apart their family and it killed her.

She heard a thud and quickly opened her eyes. He was on his knees in front of her. He wrapped his arms around her waist before pulling her forcefully into him. He held her tight once again as he cried softly. It only seemed to make her cry more.

"You can't leave me. I don't know how to live without you."

Her eyes snapped shut once again and she could feel his words shake something inside of her, but it wasn't enough to stop the pain or break the ice around her frozen heart. It was only enough to make her hurt more than she already was. She searched for words that could explain why she couldn't stay. When she found them, she prayed for the strength to get them out.

She had been holding them in for so long but she couldn't anymore. Maybe if she told him how she felt then he'd get it. He'd understand why it hurt to be around him. She had been bottling everything up since the accident but he deserved to know why she couldn't live like this anymore. She had to tell him no matter how much it hurt to get the words out. She managed to place her hands on his arms around her.

The huge hole in her seemed to burn more than ever before.

"It hurts to breathe," Haley explained painfully as she shut her eyes tight. "It hurts to be around you…it hurts to look at you. _She_ looked just like you." The image of being in that hospital room with their baby girl in her arms flashed in her mind and brought only more pain. The image was burned into her mind.

He held her tighter.

"Every time I look at you…I see _her_ and it hurts. Everything hurts. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I'm sorry. I need to get better. I _know_ that now. I have to…for Jamie."

As if giving her what she really needed in that moment, he let go. His arms fell to his sides helplessly. He didn't bother looking up at her. She noticed that he was still crying and she swallowed the lump in her throat. This is why she hadn't told him how she really felt. It only hurt him more and she knew it would. She hated herself. She took a step back and wiped her tearstained face. With one last look at him, she rushed out of the house. She felt like she was suffocating.

She never thought in a million years that she'd be walking away from him like this.

The cool night air felt refreshing on her burning skin. She could still feel him on her even as her skin cooled. She was sobbing uncontrollably as she made it up the driveway. She noticed her mother standing outside the car waiting for her. She rushed into her mothers arms and completely lost it. All she could feel was her mothers comforting arms around her.

"He –he hates me," Haley stated miserably. "He doesn't understand how much it hurts. It hurts _so_ much I can't stand it."

The huge hole inside of her continued to burn with fury.


	7. Chapter 7

_Chapter Seven –What Becomes of a Broken Heart_

He couldn't understand how things had gotten this way. Even as he sat alone by the pool he couldn't figure it out. He had been out here for hours just thinking. Since she left him that's all he had been able to do. Think.

He wanted it all to stop but his mind wouldn't allow it.

He kept replaying everything over and over in his head, all the things she said to him, her leaving, all of it. It wouldn't stop. He felt his hands start to shake once again and he quickly balled up his fists but it did no good. He could still feel his fingers shaking. This was all so stupid. He shouldn't have pushed her. Maybe if he hadn't then…

No, thinking like that would do no good. He needed to do what he did. Lucas had been right. He had to push her. It was the only way she was going to get better. He knew that he should have taken it slow with the room but once he had gotten in there he just _needed _to get all of the stuff out. It wasn't healthy for either of them to see it. It was time to let go.

He made the right choice even though she didn't understand it at the moment.

Two days. Two whole days that everything that meant anything to him had been ripped away from him. He could feel his chest tighten as a flash of her walking out the door entered his mind again. Never in his life had he pictured that moment. He never even thought it was possible. They had been so happy together. So happy.

Their life together had been a dream come true for him. He loved being a father and a husband. He didn't know how to be anything else.

This was just so damn hard.

What did she mean when she said that she needed time away from him? How long? He needed to know. It had only been two days and already this distance thing was killing him. Even before when she was held up in that room at least she was close enough to him. He needed that, needed her. Didn't she get that? Why leave him? Was he that horrible of a husband?

"_It hurts to be around you…it hurts to look at you. She looked just like you."_

He flinched in pain as he remembered her words before she left. He got it now. He understood why she couldn't bear to look at him. He felt everything inside of him aching. How would they get pass that? Just her being around him was hurting her and he didn't know how to make that stop. It's not like he chose how their daughter would look. It's not like he wanted this. He clenched his jaw. This was all just so fucking stupid.

He swayed his feet in the cool water as he glanced out into the distance. He could hear someone calling for him but he didn't have the energy to get up and respond. Hopefully whoever it was would just go away. He couldn't deal with anything right now. His mind was still trying to process the fact that his wife had left him.

"Nathan."

He sighed deeply as Lucas' voice became clearer. It was seconds later that he heard the back door open and then close.

"There you are," Lucas called out. "What are you doing out here?"

He shrugged as his eyes stayed glued to the water. It wasn't long until he felt his brother take a seat next to him. He couldn't find it in him to look at Lucas. His brother had always been so good at reading him. He could feel his heart pounding hard in his chest and he didn't know why. For some reason talking to anyone at this point would somehow make everything that happened in the last two days seem real and he didn't want that.

"Where have you been? I haven't heard from you and Dad said that you haven't been into work for the last two days. Is everything ok?" Lucas asked carefully.

He shook his head slowly. "She left me. She took Jamie and she…left."

"What?"

"She said that she needed time away from me," Nathan added.

"From you? What? That's just –"

"It's the truth, Luke. You didn't see the way she looked. She's in so much pain right now and I…" he could feel his throat tighten as a few tears fell from his eyes.

"You're in pain, too."

"It's different for her. She said that she couldn't look at me anymore because Nevaeh looked just like me. She said it hurt too much to be around me. How do we get pass that?"

"I don't know," Lucas sighed angrily. "I can't believe she just left."

"I don't know how to live without them," Nathan whispered.

"Did she say how long she'd be gone?"

"No."

"Did she say anything else?"

"Not really."

"I can't believe she took Jamie. Why? It's not like she's –"

"Don't," Nathan warned him angrily. "Don't go there. She took Jamie because she needs him right now. She's been doing better and it's for him. I couldn't take that away from her. She'd really be lost if she didn't have him."

Lucas nodded. "I get it. I just wish…I don't want to see you hurting like this."

"I know," Nathan mumbled. "Jamie's become this life force for her. It's like she's only Haley when he's around. She doesn't even bother to try when he's not. I'm glad that she has that. I just want her to get better…even if I'm not the one that she needs right now."

"I'm so sorry man. What did you do…after they left?"

"Watching her walk away and not go after her was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I was so hurt at first, then I got really angry, and then I got a little drunk. But today I just can't stop thinking about it…where it went wrong. Why won't she let me help her? I miss them so much."

"I know that this won't help now but it will get better," Lucas promised.

He shook his head. "I don't know, man. I don't know how we get pass this. I don't even know if she _wants _to get pass this. I just don't know anything right now."

"You'll get through this. I know it. You're the strongest person I know."

"I don't know about that."

"You are."

"I don't know how to be me without them. I don't know how to do anything without them…"

He really didn't. What was the point in living if he couldn't have them? They meant everything to him, always had. Life without them just didn't seem possible. He didn't even want to think about her not coming back to him.

"Haley loves you, Nate."

"What if it's not enough?"

Lucas placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. "You're _both _going to get pass this."

He wanted to believe Lucas more than anything at the moment but he just couldn't. Even if she was still living here with him they'd still be a million miles apart. He hadn't been close to his wife since before the accident. He didn't know if they'd be as close as they were before and it terrified him. She was the best part of him and he needed her.

"It feels…" his voice cracked, "…it feels like someone ripped out my heart."

* * *

She kept her eyes glued to the ceiling as she glanced up at fluorescent stars that covered it. It seemed like a lifetime ago that she and Brooke had put them up there. Her hand continued to move back and forth over her flat stomach. No matter how much she tried she couldn't stop. She felt so empty without the huge bump that used to be there.

Her room was so dark that she could still see a little light glow from the stars hanging up. They had been up there so long she wondered how she could still see them. But she liked the dark now. For the last two days she had tried her best to pretend that everything was ok in the world and be there for Jamie but in the back of her mind she knew that that wasn't the case. She was so far from ok.

All she had been able to think about was Nathan's face and his pleading voice as she left him. The void in her heart where he used to be ached more than ever. It was strange being this far away from him, knowing that he was all the way across town hating her. They had been together for so long. This was just all so different.

She didn't know what to do. Jamie was taking his nap and she had been laying here waiting for him to wake up. She felt a soft knock on her door but she didn't bother to move. It was probably her mother pushing more food on her. It was seconds later that she heard the door open.

"Sweetheart."

"Yeah, Dad," Haley muttered softly.

"There's someone here to see you," Keith stated carefully as he stood in the doorway.

She shook her head. "I don't want to see anyone."

"It's…it's him," Keith muttered.

She glanced at her father quickly. He only nodded and she closed her eyes at the thought of Nathan standing out there waiting for her. She could feel that huge hole in her start to burn. She opened her eyes at her father's voice.

"He's your husband, Haley. I think you should go talk to him. He doesn't look so good."

She could feel a few tears roll down her cheeks. She swallowed the lump in her throat before getting out of her bed. The walk downstairs felt like the longest walk of her life. By the time she made it to the door her heart was leaping out of her chest. She hadn't seen him in two whole days and she didn't know what to expect. She walked out the door slowly before closing it. She noticed him standing in the yard a few feet away from the porch. He was glancing down the road with his hands in his pockets. It was seconds later when he finally glanced at her. His eyes were cold and he quickly looked away.

She was taken back for a second but quickly recovered. She leaned up against the side of the house and placed a hand over her heart as she glanced at his tense body.

"I know you don't want to see me and…" he shrugged his shoulders as he searched for the right words.

Pain rippled through her whole body at the sound of his voice. Her father was right. He didn't look so good. _It's all your fault_, she told herself. She felt her heavy heart ache in her chest. She hated that he was hurting and that she was the one causing it. She was supposed to protect him from things like this not be the one making him hurt. It only seemed to make her hate herself more.

"Nathan," she whispered softly. _If only he could understand_, she thought.

"I just came by to tell you that I packed a few bags and I'm leaving the house so you and Jamie can be home. Jamie should be home, Haley, with his room and his toys. Enough is changing in his life…he doesn't need to live anywhere else."

She nodded even though he wasn't looking at her. He was right. "Ok. Where will you stay?"

"Like you care," Nathan spit out.

She flinched at his aggressive tone. "Don't say that. Of course I care."

She could hear him laugh bitterly before shaking his head. "Whatever. I'm going to stay at a hotel until I can find a place. Don't worry about me."

She always worried about him and she wanted to tell him but somehow she knew that he wouldn't believe her. Not now. Not after she left him and told him that she needed time away. He was hurting and this was his way of dealing with that.

"I'm thinking about going back to work," Haley stated softly.

He glanced at her for a second shocked before looking away. "That's good. I'm glad. It'll be good for you to get back into work."

"And I'm going to start seeing the therapist once a week now," Haley added.

He nodded. "Good."

"I'm really trying, Nathan."

"That's good."

"You can look at me you know," Haley whispered softly.

"I don't want to hurt you or make it hard for you," Nathan mumbled. "I just came by to tell you that you can go home with Jamie. I won't bother you again."

She closed her eyes in pain once again. The agony in his voice was almost too much to bear. He was hurting so much because of her and all she wanted to do was make all his pain go away but she knew that she couldn't. She couldn't fix the pain she caused him. She couldn't even fix herself which she knew was the problem.

And here he was doing exactly what she asked him and somehow it seemed to make everything in her burn with pain more. He was only giving her what she wanted. She told him that it hurt to look at him so he wasn't looking at her. She told him she needed time and space and he was only here to let her know that he'd keep away. The pain inside her seemed to rage on. She pushed the pain down as best she could.

"Nathan, you're _not_ bothering me," she managed to choke out.

He glanced at her confused. "This is what you wanted, Haley. I'm trying to give you space from…_me_. I don't want to make you uncomfortable." His face was hard and his eyes were cold. Nathan had never looked at her that way before. She flinched in pain.

She closed her eyes and shook her head. "I should've never told you."

She knew that and it's why she had kept it in for so long. Telling him only seemed to make things worse. More than anything she wished that she could take it back. He didn't need to know all those things. It only hurt him.

"No, I'm glad you did. I understand now. I get it. Now, at least I know why you can't stand the sight of me."

"But –" she didn't want things to be this way. Really, she didn't. She didn't want to look at him and have it hurt. She wanted to look at him like she used to. She wanted so many things to be different. Somehow wanting them to be different wasn't enough.

"What did I do wrong?" Nathan questioned minutes later. "Just tell me."

She swallowed the lump in her throat. "Nothing. You didn't do anything. This is all me, Nathan."

"Was I a bad husband?"

She felt her feet moving before she could even think. She was in front of him a second later as she reached up and placed her hands on his cheeks forcing him to look at her. Their eyes locked and she ignored the yearning in her stomach at being this close to him.

"What? No," Haley rushed out honestly. "You've been the best husband and father. Don't ever think otherwise, Nathan. Never. You've given us the best life. I'm just so…"

He glanced away and her hands fell to her sides. "Did you tell him?"

She shook her head softly. "I tried but I couldn't…"

"He didn't ask any questions?"

"Yes. He didn't know why you weren't with us."

He closed his eyes. "We have to tell him something, Haley."

"I don't know what to say," Haley whispered.

"I'll tell him."

She shook her head. "No, I will. I'm the one…this is all on me, Nathan. I should be the one to tell him. I just need a little time to think of what to tell him…I don't know…"

"I'll do it," Nathan stated calmly.

"You don't have to do that." Here he was trying to save her again.

"He's going to start asking questions, Haley. You should start thinking about what you're going to do."

His tone was hard again. She felt her hands shaking.

"I don't know…I didn't plan this," Haley whispered.

He glared at her. "Well, this is what you wanted! We've got a son to think about too and he's going to know that things are changing. You can't just keep putting it off."

"I'm not trying to –"

"Daddy!" Jamie yelled excitedly as he raced out of the house. She watched as Nathan instantly changed before her eyes. His face lit up with excitement as Jamie jumped in his arms. Nathan held him tight, his eyes closed, as he ran a comforting hand over Jamie's back. She could feel the tears welling in her eyes at the sight of them.

"I missed you, buddy," Nathan whispered as he held him tight.

"Grandpa took me to work with him yesterday," Jamie grinned.

"Is that right?" Nathan chuckled. "Was it awesome?"

Jamie nodded. "He even let me help him fix one of the cars. It was so cool."

"I'm sure," Nathan smiled softly.

"Where have you been?" Jamie questioned.

Nathan glanced at her nervously not really sure of what to say. "I've been working."

"Are we going home?" Jamie questioned before glancing at her and then back at Nathan. She felt her heart tighten in her chest. She searched for words to explain but she couldn't seem to find them.

"Yep, you're going home," Nathan answered for her.

"Sweet," Jamie smiled. "Can we go swimming when we get back?"

Nathan glanced at her for a second unsure of what to say. "Actually, buddy, it's just going to be you and mommy. Daddy has to do something tonight."

"Can I come with you?" Jamie questioned.

"I don't know…" Nathan glanced at her unsure of what to say. She felt her heartbeat increase before she nodded softly.

She found her voice. "You should take him. He misses you."

"Sweet," Jamie grinned. "I'm going to go tell Lily, Grandma, and Grandpa bye."

Once Nathan placed him on the ground he took off running back into the house. She stood there in front of him as she held her tears in. Jamie had missed Nathan so much in the last two days.

"Thanks," Nathan muttered. "I miss him. I'll bring him by the house tomorrow."

She nodded. "Whenever you want to see him, Nathan. I'd never keep Jamie from you, you know that."

"I know."

He glanced away as they both waited. An uncomfortable silence filled the air. Before the accident that had never happened between the two of them. But now it seemed like every time they were around each other there was an uncomfortable silence and so many unspoken words.

Jamie raced out of the house again. "I'm ready, Daddy!"

She quickly wiped her eyes. "Come here, baby."

Lifting him up in her arms she held him tight for minutes.

"Have fun with, daddy."

"Bye, Momma," Jamie smiled before she kissed him. Jamie glanced at Nathan. "Aren't you gonna kiss Momma bye, Daddy?"

She felt her heart pounding all over her body as she shot a glance at Nathan. He stood there tensely with his hands in his pockets. She could feel her hands start to shake and she held Jamie tighter. Nathan moved towards them slowly before leaning in and placing a soft kiss on her cheek. Jamie smiled at the two of them happily.

"Let's get going, buddy."

She kissed Jamie once more and then placed him on the ground. He jumped back in Nathan's arms. Nathan glanced at her for a second before glancing at the ground.

"Bye, Hales."

Then they were gone. She didn't bother to move until she couldn't see the black Range Rover in the distance anymore. She walked into the house slowly and heard her parents in the living room laughing at each other. She felt an aching in her chest at the sound. Not so long ago that had been her and Nathan.

She walked to the kitchen slowly before fixing herself a glass of water. She stood in front of them sink as she took a sip. She wanted the pain to stop but she knew that it wouldn't. Reaching down, she rubbed her flat stomach. She didn't know why she was constantly rubbing there. It only made sadness wash over here every time she felt nothing there and it only reminded her of what was once there.

"I see Nathan took Jamie," Karen spoke up minutes later as she entered the kitchen.

She turned and smiled softly. "Yeah, they missed each other."

"How's Nathan doing?"

"I don't know," Haley whispered in pain. Of course she knew. He was hurting just as much as she was maybe even more.

"You know there's only so much a man can take before –"

"Before what?" Haley cut her off. She didn't like where this was going. It's not like she planned on any of this happening. They were supposed to be happier than ever right now. This wasn't supposed to be happening to them. She wasn't supposed to feel like a huge part of her was missing.

"I just hope you know what you're doing, Haley. I don't want to see you lose him. I mean are you ready for that? Are you ready to just give up on your marriage…on the life you've built together?"

She swallowed the lump in her throat. "He deserves better."

"If that's the way you feel," Karen stated sadly. "I just hope you're ready for what comes after that."

"What do you mean?"

"He's going to move on, Haley. Are you ready for that? Do you really want to see him with someone else? Because he won't wait forever. He's going to move on eventually and find someone else."

"God, Mom, don't say that!" She closed her eyes and willed the images of Nathan and another woman out of her head. She hated the thought of him with anyone else. She didn't want to think about him moving on at all. It hurt too much. She knew that her mother was right.

"I just want you to be prepared, sweetheart."

She glanced at her mom for a second before rushing out of the kitchen and up the stairs. She was almost to her room when she heard Lily giggling. She pushed Lily's door open slowly and noticed her little sister in front of her dollhouse with two dolls in her hands. She smiled when Lily noticed her.

"Want to play with me?" Lily questioned.

"Sure," Haley smiled. She took off walking and took a seat on the side of Lily. "What are you playing?"

"Well, this is the princess. I'm gonna put her in her room in the castle."

She placed the small doll in the room.

"And this is the prince," Lily smiled as she held up the small boy doll with the crown on his head. She placed him outside the castle by his horse. "You can be the maid."

"Thanks," Haley laughed as Lily placed a doll in her hands.

"Now the prince _has_ to save the princess," Lily declared.

"He does?" Haley smiled softly.

Lily nodded her head with big eyes. "Yep. Then they can live happily ever after!"

_No one ever tells you what comes after happily ever after_, she thought sadly. She sat there and watched her carefree little sister get lost in her own little world. She wished that Lily never had to experience the pain she felt now. She wanted her sister to stay young and innocent oblivious to the pain that the world held.

Before she knew what was happening, Lily was hugging her tight.

"What's this for?" Haley asked with a soft laugh.

"I don't want you to be sad anymore," Lily stated as she hugged her tighter.

She rubbed her sisters back softly unsure of what to say.

"What's depression mean, Haley?"

"Where did you hear that?" Haley questioned seconds later after the shock wore off. She pulled Lily from around her so that she could see her face.

"Me and Jamie heard Mommy and Daddy talking last night and Mommy said that you were in a deep depression and we didn't know what that means," Lily said in a serious tone.

"Oh," Haley muttered. She didn't know what to say, how to explain.

"Lily," Karen called from the door. Haley glanced up and noticed her mother standing there looking at them sadly. With that one look she knew that her mother had heard everything that was said between them. "Why don't we go make cookies?"

"Ok," Lily grinned as she stood up and ran out of her room.

"I didn't mean for them to hear that," Karen stated.

Haley glanced at the ground. "I know."

"Why don't you come downstairs and help us?"

She shook her head as she stood up. "I think I'm going to go home."

"But you'll be all alone there and I don't –"

"I know," Haley replied as she glanced at her mother. "I want to be alone."


	8. Chapter 8

_Chapter Eight –These Memories That Haunt Me_

_He flipped through the folder in his hands. He had been working on this case a few days now and it was already stressing him. It wasn't even really his case. He hated being a stupid intern. The whole thing was ridiculous if you asked him. Now he was stuck working ridiculous hours. It didn't matter though because soon he wouldn't have to do this anymore._

_He heard a soft knock on the door before it was pushed open. He instantly smiled as Haley stuck her head in._

"_Hales," Nathan grinned. _

"_Another late night, huh?" _

"_I left you a message at home."_

"_I got it," Haley stated as she closed the door and walked fully inside the office._

"_I'm sorry. I know I've been working a lot lately but it's almost over." _

"_I know."_

"_What are you doing here anyway? It's late." He glanced at the clock and noticed that it was pass midnight. He knew that she hated when he worked until all hours of the night but it's not like he had a choice._

"_I missed you," Haley explained with a smile before sitting herself on his lap. He relaxed into the seat as he placed his arms on her. She kissed him softly before resting her head on his shoulder. He closed his eyes as her smell invaded him. She always smelt so good._

_He kissed her forehead. "I miss you, too, babe." _

_He felt her hand rub up and down his chest slowly and he smiled. They stayed like that for the longest time. He didn't know how but he could tell that something was on her mind. She was always worried about something. He continued to rub soothing circles on her back as he waited for her to start talking. When she didn't he decided to help her out._

"_Is everything ok, Hales?" _

_It was seconds later that he felt her warm lips press against his neck. His eyes snapped shut as she continued kissing him there softly. Her hand continued to move over his chest and he quickly placed his hand on her thigh as he waited for her to answer._

"_I think it's time," Haley whispered._

_His eyes rolled to the back of his head as she started sucking on his neck. "Time…for what?" _

_He was so confused and she was making him feel so good. He didn't know what was happening. He tried to focus but once she started unbuttoning his shirt he couldn't._

"_It's time for us to start a family. I think we're ready."_

_He stilled his hands on her body before pulling away and glancing down at her._

"_A family?" _

"_I want us to have baby, Nathan," Haley whispered softly as their eyes locked._

_He swallowed the lump in his throat. "Do you really think we're ready for that?" _

"_Yes," Haley nodded. "I'm ready…we're ready. I want a baby, Nathan. Don't you want to start our family?" _

_Those beautiful expectant brown eyes were glancing intently into his. Ever since they married he had always given her everything she ever wanted, why would she think this was any different. They had talked about having kids before but it was always talking about the future. But if she was ready then so was he._

"_I think we're ready," Nathan nodded before smiling at her. He watched as her face instantly lit up with excitement before she kissed him happily._

"_I love you so much!" She kissed him hungrily. "I can't believe we're going to do this! I can't believe we're going to have a baby."_

_They kissed for the longest time and he couldn't help but feel overwhelmed with everything. They had just made one of the most important decisions of their lives. She was so happy that he couldn't help but laugh softly against her lips._

"_What?" Haley demanded as she pulled away._

"_Nothing," Nathan grinned. "It's just…when do you want to start?" _

_She grinned as her eyes started sparkling. It was seconds later that he felt her lips attacking his neck once again. He licked his lips as his eyes snapped shut. Her hand moved against his chest making his skin hot._

"_I'm thinking now," Haley purred seductively. _

"_Now?" Nathan groaned as she started unbuttoning his pants. "Here?" _

"_Yes."_

_His eyes flew open as she placed her hand inside of his pants. Before he knew it, he was standing up with her in his arms. He quickly placed her on the desk before pushing as much stuff out of their way as possible. He heard her giggling but he didn't stop until everything was on the floor._

"_Someone's eager," Haley teased as she wrapped her legs around his waist._

_He moved his hands up her thighs before pushing her back down on the desk. "Just trying to give my beautiful sexy wife what she wants." She laughed at that. When he started attacking her neck her laughter quickly died down and before he knew it she was moaning loudly and encouraging him on. _

The memory left him as easily as it came. He opened his eyes and glanced up at the ceiling. The hotel penthouse was nice but it wasn't home. He knew that he was welcome over at Lucas and Lindsey's or even back at home with his mom and dad but he didn't want that. He didn't want to impose on their happy little lives. All they'd do was worry about him and worse feel sorry for him. He didn't need that.

He folded his hands behind his head as his body continued to bounce up and down on the bed. He listened as Jamie continued to sing to himself as he tired to jump higher and higher on the huge king sized bed. He smiled at the sight of his son. He missed him.

"Aren't you tired?" Nathan chuckled.

Jamie shook his head as he continued to jump. "Nope."

"You've been at it all day."

"It's fun."

"I can see that."

"You wanna jump with me, Daddy?"

He smiled up at Jamie. "I think I'm too big. Besides don't you want to eat dinner before I bring you back home?"

"I want you to jump with me."

"Fine," Nathan sighed as he sat up. No matter what he had never been able to resist Jamie or Haley for that matter. They both had him wrapped around their fingers. He knew that they were both used to getting their way with him. He stood up on the bed before he started bouncing slowly. Jamie had a huge grin on his face.

"Isn't it fun?"

He chuckled softly. "I guess."

They continued to jump but Nathan couldn't help but notice the time. He had promised Haley that he'd take Jamie back today. He hated this part of her making him leave most of all, handing Jamie back and forth between the two of them. Things shouldn't be like this. It was so hard explaining everything as best as he could to Jamie. Jamie had thought of them staying here as an adventure…a vacation as he had told the receptionist down in the lobby yesterday.

Jamie didn't understand at first and it only seemed to make him ask more questions. It had taken the longest time to explain things to Jamie to where he got it. He explained that mommy needed a little time away from daddy. Eventually Jamie let it go when Nathan promised that he'd see him all the time and eventually he would be back home with them. Jamie had seemed satisfied enough with that answer.

It was good having Jamie here with him. The penthouse was huge, luminous, and fancy. But as he glanced around all he could think about was how empty it would be with Jamie gone. Tonight would be the first night just by himself and he wasn't looking forward to it. He missed being at home, even if it was the guest bedroom that he was sleeping in. He missed living in the same house as Jamie and Haley. But most of all he missed Haley. He missed seeing her. Being there and being able to check on her to let him know she was ok had gotten him through a lot of bad days. But now he couldn't even do that.

She needed space from him and he had to respect that, even if he didn't like it or understand it. How was being apart supposed to put their family back together?

He missed her more than words could say.

"Can we have ice cream for dinner?"

Nathan stopped jumping to catch his breath. "Maybe for dessert."

"Sweet," Jamie grinned.

"Are you hungry now?"

Jamie thought about it for a second. "Yep."

"Ok," Nathan nodded. "Let's order something from room service."

Jamie continued to jump on the bed. "Ok."

"What do you want?"

"Ice cream."

"Nice try."

"Cookies."

"Try again."

"Chocolate milk."

"With?"

"Chicken nuggets."

"That sounds better," Nathan grinned at him before picking up the phone. Jamie started giggling as he continued to jump on the bed. Sitting down, he quickly scanned the menu for stupid hotel food. _This place sucked_, he couldn't help but think.

* * *

She made her way down the halls of Tree Hill High. She had been here for over an hour now just walking around and taking everything in. The place was exactly like she remembered it and she was happy that this was the school she chose to teach at. She had talked to the principle earlier about coming back and he was thrilled. He had been teaching her classes she had learned and he was really happy that she was coming back. They all understood why she had taken so much time off.

She quickly pushed that thought out of her head.

She stopped when she reached her old locker. These halls held so many memories for her. She could easily picture herself, Jake, and Brooke standing right here and talking before class, she could picture seeing Nathan walking down the hall out of the corner of her eye. Of course he didn't know that she could see him so he kept on smiling at her. She smiled at the memory. He had been so shy back then.

How many times had he watched her when he thought she wasn't looking at him?

She had caught him many times and it had thrilled her. Even before everything he loved her…he always loved her. Her hand fell over her stomach as she held it. Her happy thoughts faded away as she felt the loss of everything. She stood there holding herself together as best as she could. Her eyes were misty and she quickly took off walking down the hall.

She reached her old classroom and walked inside. She used to love this room so much. She loved waking up in the mornings and coming here. She loved teaching these kids. She loved knowing that she was making a difference in their lives. She had loved it all. She wanted that again. She really did. She needed this.

Sitting at her desk, she noticed all of the changes that he had made. She stayed for what felt like hours before leaving.

She ended up in the music room sitting in front of the piano. It had been over five months since she last played anything. Before the accident she had played just about every night. But now she couldn't bring herself to do much of anything. She stayed glancing down at the keys in front of her. Part of her wanted to reach out and play. Pull the bandage off and just get it over with but the bigger part of her didn't want to be anywhere near here. Music was familiar and comforting. At least it used to be.

"You're not supposed to be in here."

She quickly glanced up at the sound of a voice. He was standing there with a grin on his face as he watched her. She smiled politely.

"I work here," Haley explained.

"Funny, I haven't seen you around."

"I'm just getting back. I was on a leave of absence." She didn't know why she was explaining this to him. She didn't even know who he was. Who did this guy think he was?

"Oh."

"I don't remember seeing you around either," Haley fired back.

He started chuckling. "This is my first year teaching here. I'm the new music teacher."

"Right," Haley muttered. "I'm an English teacher."

"Right," he mocked.

She rolled her eyes. This guy was something else. "Do you have a name?"

"Do you?"

"Haley Scott."

"Nice to meet you."

"Aren't you going to tell me your name?"

He chuckled before walking towards her. She watched as he took a seat next to her before turning to face her. He grinned at her before holding out his hand.

"Keller. Chris Keller."

She glanced at his hand before shaking it. He still had that stupid grin on his face as she let his hand go. Then before she knew it his fingers were on the keys and he was playing a beautiful melody. She watched him in fascination. He was good, really good.

"Do you play?"

Her eyes left his hands and went to his face. He was still playing beautifully without even looking at what his hands were doing. It was like they had a life of their own. She couldn't help but smile at him.

"I used to," Haley replied.

He glanced at her confused. "Used to? What happened? Did you forget how to play or something?"

"No, I just don't play anymore." She knew that wasn't a good answer.

"Well, that's a shame."

She went back to watching his hands as he continued to play. It had been so long since she heard music playing. It was nice. She liked it. The guy seemed a little cocky and arrogant but it wasn't like she didn't deal with guys like this before. He couldn't be any worse than Damien West her ex. When he finished playing he glanced at her expectantly.

"Well…?"

"You're really talented," Haley muttered.

"I know," Chris smirked.

She laughed. "You're really full of yourself."

"And…?"

"Are you always a jerk?"

"It depends," Chris shrugged. "Chris Keller can be nice when he wants to be."

"You did not just refer to yourself in the third person."

He smirked. "You better believe it, Haley Scott."

"Does that usually work for you?" Haley asked amused. This guy couldn't be serious.

"You tell me?"

She rolled her eyes. "Please tell me you're not flirting with me?" It had been so long since someone flirted with her. She didn't know if she was reading too much into it or not.

"What if I am?" Chris challenged.

"Don't," Haley answered easily.

His smirk widened. "Afraid you won't be able to resist me?"

"Please," Haley laughed as she stood up. "That won't even be a problem. You should really get over yourself."

"You're really not interested?" He said it as if he didn't believe her.

"Not even a little," Haley answered honestly.

He stood up and continued grinning. "Well, damn. You can't blame a guy for trying."

"I should get going," Haley spoke up.

"Wait. I'm sorry," Chris stated. "I didn't mean all of that."

"Right."

"Look, let's just start over. My name is Chris and I'm the music teacher."

She sighed before shaking her head. "I'm Haley and I teach English. Didn't we already cover this?"

"It's nice to meet you," Chris grinned. "Was that better?"

"Sure," Haley nodded. "Look I've got to get going. It's late."

Nathan would be bringing Jamie home soon and she didn't want to be late. Plus, she really didn't want to be here. She needed to be home and waiting for Jamie. She missed him so much. And she wanted to see Nathan, too.

"Just one question."

"What's that?" Haley asked hesitantly.

He grinned. "Why were you on a leave of absence? I'm curious."

She swallowed the lump in her throat. It didn't cross her mind that this guy didn't know her. He didn't know about the accident, he didn't know about her loss, he didn't know anything. He didn't know Haley James Scott. He didn't look at her with pity in his eyes. To him she was just Haley the English teacher. She realized how much she liked that. She liked that he didn't know who she was or what happened to her. Even if he was an arrogant jerk it didn't matter. He didn't know her and it felt nice.

"No reason," Haley replied before smiling. "I've really got to go. Nice meeting you, Chris Keller."

"I guess I'll be seeing you around, Haley," Chris smiled as he watched her go.

* * *

Nathan sat on the side of Jamie's bed as he waited for him to fall asleep. Jamie wanted him to stay until he fell asleep and so that's what he was doing. He waited for Haley and Jamie to catch up before taking Jamie up to bed. Now he sat here waiting.

It wasn't long before Jamie was asleep and even then he sat there watching him. He stayed for a long time not really wanting to leave. He didn't want to go back to that stupid hotel room. He should be here with his family. He hated this all so much. He stood up reluctantly and left Jamie's room. He made his way slowly down the stairs. He found her in the music room standing in front of the piano. He watched her for a few minutes.

"He's asleep," Nathan spoke up.

He watched as she placed her arms across her chest. "Ok."

She stood there in her silk robe staring blankly ahead of her. His eyes roamed her body and landed her legs before moving back up her body. He could feel his want for her flood his body at the sight of her. She was just so damn beautiful. How was he just supposed to stand by and not touch her?

"I start work tomorrow," Haley stated. She didn't turn to look at him but he smiled at the good news. This was good, he told himself. She needed to get back into her normal routine. This was a really good thing.

"That's good, Hales."

"Yeah, it'll be weird going back."

"You'll be great," Nathan smiled. "I know it."

"You always believe in me even when I don't believe in myself."

"I love you," Nathan stated simply. "You're my wife and I'll always believe in you."

"I know."

When she turned to face him and she smiled softly he lost all his self control. To hell with what she thought she needed. He was going crazy without her and he couldn't take it anymore. He didn't care what he had to do. He wasn't losing her. She was his wife and he was going to make her realize just that. He took off walking towards her and didn't stop until he was a few inches in front of her.

"I miss you so much," Nathan whispered huskily. It didn't matter what happened over the last few days. It didn't matter how angry he had been towards her after she left him. She needed her space and he got that. He really did but he needed her. He needed to at least try and fix things between them. Time apart wouldn't help them. He knew that. He just wished she'd get that before it was too late.

His hand reached out and pushed her hair behind her ear before caressing her cheek. Their eyes locked and slowly he brushed his thumb along her bottom lip.

"I've been so miserable in that stupid hotel. I hate being away from you and Jamie. It's so hard. I can't stand it, Haley. I know you think you need space but you're wrong. You're only hurting me…and Jamie." He knew it was low to play the Jamie card but he was desperate. He needed her to understand.

"Nathan," Haley whispered painfully.

"You don't want to hurt us, do you?" Nathan pressed.

"God, of course not."

"Don't you miss me?"

He could see the enter battle she was having with herself. Before she even had time to open her mouth, he dropped his hand to her robe. Glancing down at the silk material, he slowly pulled the knot apart before it fell to her sides. He gazed at the small white tank top she was wearing and his breath caught in his throat. Reaching up, he palmed her breasts before looking back at her. For once she wasn't backing away from him or pushing him away. She looked like she was enjoying herself. He was going to take advantage of that.

"Say it," Nathan demanded.

"Yes, Nathan, I miss you," Haley whispered.

Leaning in he brushed his lips softly against hers. He glanced up and noticed her eyes snap shut. He smiled before brushing his lips against hers once again. He missed the feel of her lips on his, the taste of her. He brought his hand to her cheek before pulling her more forcefully into him and kissing her deeply. Being with her like this was so intoxicating.

He could feel the passion building between them as they kissed roughly. It surprised him how forcefully she was kissing him back. Her kisses were hard and urgent. It was like she was trying to make him feel just how much she wanted him. He liked it. He made quick work of pushing her robe off of her shoulders. It fell around her feet as his hands landed on her waist. The only thing left on her was a small white tank top and a pair of silk panties. _Not for long_, he thought eagerly.

He didn't care about anything in that moment but taking her. It was all he could think about. When he felt her small hands lifting his shirt over his head he groaned as he broke their kiss. He couldn't think clearly, he just wanted to feel. He couldn't stop either. It would only give her time to think and he knew if that happened it would be over. It had just been so damn long since things were like this between them. He didn't want her to push him away. He didn't know what he'd do if she did that. He couldn't take it.

She wanted him though. He could feel it with everything in him. She wanted this just as much as he did. He didn't know why the sudden change or what had happened. He guessed that she just couldn't push him away like this. Still he could feel her holding a part of herself back from him. In that moment he didn't care. Sure he wanted all of her but if this was all he could get at the moment then he'd take it. He missed her too damn much to stop this.

She moaned into his mouth a second later as his hands gripped her hips tight before lifting her up in his arms. Instinctively she wrapped her legs around his waist. When he heard her back slam against the nearest wall he broke away from her lips and started sucking on her neck. Her hands were in his hair a second later as she pulled on it. His eyes rolled back as she started moaning softly in his ear.

For a second he thought about just fucking her right here against the wall. But just as quickly as that thought came he pushed it out of his head. He had never just fucked Haley and he never would. She was his wife and every single time they made love. Sometimes it was rough and urgent, sometimes tender and slow, but he always made love to her. It wasn't just about sex, it was about being with her, connecting on another level, and being as close to her as he could get. Their bond was so strong. He could feel it now as she pulled his hair hard and he sucked on her weak spot.

He felt her grinding her body into his a second later and he quickly pushed himself more forcefully into her so that there was no space between them at all. All he wanted to do was bury himself deep inside of her and let her know that they were meant to be together forever.

"Oh," Haley moaned breathlessly.

Shit just what they were doing now was making him want to explode. Not wanting it to end like this, he took off walking towards the sofa across the room. He laid her down quickly before he covered her body with his. He started kissing her again.

"I want you so much," Nathan stated huskily as he reached the bottom of her tank top. He pulled it up slowly as she sat up. He tossed it to the floor before pushing her back down and kissing her once again. One of his hands reached up and started kneading one of her breasts.

"Mmm," Haley whimpered as she held him tighter to her.

"Tell me you want me," Nathan demanded roughly against her lips.

He felt her nails digging into his shoulders. "I want you."

Her words did so much for him. He wondered if she knew. His lips left hers as he trailed kisses down her neck and then to her chest as his hands started roaming her soft warm flesh. He knew he needed to pace himself. He didn't want this to end. He needed her to remember what they meant to each other.

"Tell me what you're thinking," Nathan breathed against her skin as he continued nipping and sucking on everything in his way. He felt her breath hitch as his tongue circled around one of her breasts. He then trailed his hands down her stomach and that's when he felt the scar on her lower abdomen. His finger traced the long line as his lips left her skin. It was the first time that he felt it. He glanced down at it.

Her hands moved from around his neck and then suddenly she was pushing him forcefully off of her. He could hear her breathing deeply, clearly frustrated through her sudden tears. He sat up and moved away from her to the other end of the sofa, his frustration evident as he moved away from her angrily. They were both breathing deeply and he tried his best to ignore her crying next to him. He didn't want to think about it at all.

She sat up slowly before covering her breasts with her arms. "I'm sorry."

The agony in her voice as she whispered another apology to him had his eyes snapping shut. He felt even worse because suddenly he thought that he should've just fucked her up against the wall earlier. He felt horrible for even thinking it. He just wanted to be close to her, no matter which way.

He ran his hands over his face in frustration. "Fuck!"

He felt her flinch next to him but he ignored it. What was so horrible about them being together? For a second he wondered how much she'd really protest if he tired again. She had wanted him, he had felt that much.

"I want to make love to you…I do…I just…"

He stood up and reached for his shirt. He placed it on quickly. She was on her feet a second later gathering her clothes and turning away from him as she placed them on. He shook his head angrily as he stood there and watched her. When she turned minutes later he tried his best to hide his disappointment.

She walked up to him slowly, hesitantly, before burying her head into his chest. His hands hesitantly went to her back holding her to him. He could feel tears wanting to spill but he held them back. He needed to be strong. He wouldn't cry in front of her this time.

The sound of his cell phone ringing had her taking a step back from him.

"Son of a bitch! I can't catch a fucking break," Nathan muttered as he pulled out his phone angrily. He glanced at the number before hitting the ignore button and rolling his eyes. He placed the phone back in his pocket before glancing at her.

"Who was that?" Haley questioned before glancing away.

He took a step closer. "No one. They don't matter. What matters is _us_…our family."

She glanced at him but didn't say anything. Without a second thought he was hugging her tightly once again. He breathed in the scent of her before his eyes snapped shut. It was minutes later when he started kissing her neck softly once again.

He wasn't going to give up. The sooner she realized that, the better.

"Nathan…don't."

"Please just let me make you dinner…Friday night. Just dinner."

"I…uh…"

He kissed her weak spot once again. "Just dinner, Hales. I need this…_we _need this. Just dinner. That's all I'm asking. I mean after everything we've been through, don't you at least owe me that?"

He continued sucking on her weak spot.

"Please," his voice cracked.

Her eyes fluttered open. "Um…ok"

He felt his heart beating rapidly in his chest at her words. He wasn't sure if he heard her correctly but when she didn't tense up in his arms he knew that he'd heard correctly. She agreed to have dinner with him. He could feel the tears building in his eyes as he placed his head on her shoulder.

"Thank you," Nathan breathed. "This will be good for us, Haley. I know it."

Before she could change her mind, he let go of her and quickly left the room. He couldn't help but smile as he made it out of the house and into his Range Rover. He wouldn't let himself be mad at her for pushing him away earlier, she just wasn't ready to be intimate with him, and he got that. He'd wait until she was ready. A small part of him hoped that Friday would be that day. This was a good thing. It would be a new start for them, a new beginning. He was sure of it.


	9. Chapter 9

_Chapter Nine –The Best Intentions_

Haley sat on the comfortable sofa as she gazed down at her hands. It always felt weird being here. She felt _so_ vulnerable. At first she hated it. She had been so pissed that they were forcing her to come here and talk about things that she didn't want to talk about. In the beginning she wouldn't talk. She didn't have it in her to talk about her deepest darkness thoughts with a stranger.

But over time as Olivia pressed her, she opened up a little at a time. Now, coming here wasn't so bad. She didn't mind it. It even helped a little. It helped talking about things. Olivia never judged her. She didn't have to worry about hurting Olivia's feelings when talking about how she felt. She didn't have to worry about anything. Olivia just listened and gave a little advice from time to time. It was nice. No pressure.

With everyone else there was always pressure. But with Nathan it was the worst.

"How is it being back at work?"

"Good."

It had been weird at first being back at work. All the kids looked at her with pity but that quickly stopped when she started teaching and giving them out homework. Some of the kids were nicer to her than they were before. Others were still the same. She tried not to read too much into it. All she cared about was teaching. It felt nice to be back.

"How are things at home?"

"Better," Haley replied. "Jamie seems really happy. He misses Nathan but he doesn't bring it up to me. I just know that he does. I hate that this is hurting him. Uh, Nathan takes him for a few hours every day and I know that Jamie loves that."

"How is it living just the two of you?"

"Different," Haley answered honestly. "Weird. I'm just so used to having Nathan around and it's weird that he's not there all the time. Sometimes I forget and I'll go looking for him. It's just different. I don't really like it. He should be home with us but for some reason I keep pushing him away."

"Why do you think that is?"

"I don't know. I guess I'm afraid of him and how he makes me feel."

"How are things between the two of you?" Olivia questioned.

"Um," she swallowed the lump in her throat. "The same. After I told him how I felt, I thought that he'd stop trying to…_fix_ me, but he's still trying."

"And how do you feel about that?"

"I don't know," Haley sighed. "I just want to look at him and have it not hurt. I want things to be like the way they were before the accident. I want that so badly."

"Do you think they ever will?"

She shrugged. "I don't know. I want them to. I don't want to look at my husband and feel pain. I don't want it to hurt to be around him. I just wish that I didn't feel that way. I don't know if that'll ever go away and it scares me more than anything. Because if it doesn't them where does that leave us?"

"When's the last time you saw Nathan?"

"Two days ago when he dropped Jamie off home. He's been trying to give me what I need…space. It's hard for him to stay away from us. But he's trying. As much as he hates it, he's trying. We actually have plans tonight. He's making dinner for us. I wasn't sure how I felt about it but I couldn't say no to him…not after hurting him so much."

"But if you're not ready…"

"I couldn't say no," Haley repeated as a few tears fell. "I can get through this. I can do this for him. I know it won't fix me or us but I'll try for him. I've caused him enough pain over the last few months. I don't want to do that anymore."

"What if it doesn't help?"

"I don't know but I have to do this for him."

Olivia nodded. "It doesn't hurt to try. You never know it might be just what the two of you need."

"We almost had sex," Haley blurted out.

"Oh?" Olivia smiled. "Is this the first time you've tried since the accident?"

She nodded softly. "Yes."

"What happened? You can tell me."

"He was dropping Jamie off the other night and before he left we started talking. Before I knew what was happening he was kissing me and I just lost myself in him. It felt like things were finally back to normal with us. It felt so right. I was totally into it. I wanted him so badly and I…You know once he started kissing me I could feel everything leave me…all the pain and heartache. For the first time in a long time it felt like I didn't have this huge whole inside of me. For once I didn't carry all this pain and guilt around with me. Being with him like that just made me feel…_alive_. I just…"

It felt weird talking about her sex life to a complete stranger but she knew she had to get this out. It had been on her mind since it happened.

"I love him so much…"

"What made you stop?"

She blinked back tears. "The scar on my stomach from the accident…they had to cut me open quickly to…"

"Deliver the baby?"

"Yes," Haley whispered weakly. "It just snapped me out of it and I knew that I wasn't ready to be intimate with him right now. I didn't want him to make me feel better. He was so hurt and frustrated with me…I keep on hurting him. There's something wrong with me. I'm like the worst wife on the planet. I can't even tell my husband that I love him. Can we just…please talk about something else?"

"Still having the dream?"

She felt her hands start to shake and she held them together. Of course she had mentioned her reoccurring dream to Olivia. The one that she thought of as heaven. She had it so frequently that she couldn't help but tell Olivia about it.

"Yes."

"Why do you think that is?"

"I can't not dream about her…what she would've been like."

"Do you think it helps?"

"No, it makes it harder but when I close my eyes she's all I see…all I think about." She could feel her tears falling. The hardest part about coming here was talking about _her._ She could feel the huge hole aching painfully in her chest. It didn't seem like it was ever going away. It was like it was part of her now.

She wiped her eyes. "I'm still just so angry. I don't understand it…any of it. Why was she taken from me so suddenly even before I got a chance to know her? I'll never know what kind of person she would've been. She'll never know how much I loved her…how much I wanted her. She's just gone and I hate that she was taken from me. I hate that I'll never know what could have been. I hate it _all_."

More tears came but she didn't bother to wipe them away. It was pointless.

"I still feel so empty. No matter how much I try to put my life back together. I feel so completely numb except for when Jamie's around. It's the only time I'm happy…the only time I want to try."

"So if it wasn't for him…?"

"There'd be no point," Haley shrugged miserably. "He's the only thing keeping me going. The huge hole in my heart only stops aching when he's around or when Nathan…I don't feel numb. I don't feel alone. He makes things better."

"And Nathan?"

"I can't," Haley choked out. "For some reason I can't let him in."

"Why?"

"I don't know. We've always shared everything together…no secrets. He's my best friend and the best part of me but for some reason I can't seem to let him in. I just don't know why and I _hate_ that. I hate that so much," Haley explained.

"He might be the only one that will understand."

"What do you mean?"

"You both lost a child, Haley. Don't you think that Nathan would understand where you're coming from…how it feels? If anyone could understand it would be him."

"I don't know how to let him in," Haley muttered.

"It wouldn't hurt to try. Take tonight for instance, you're trying by going to dinner with him. Maybe if you opened up a little…"

She shook her head. "It just hurts to be around him. When I look at him I remember what I…what _we_ lost that day and that hurts so much. He's probably the only one that could make the pain go away but I don't want that. I don't deserve it."

"Does Nathan know that you blame yourself for the accident?"

She glanced up and met Olivia's eyes. "I don't know but I'm sure he blames me for it, too."

Without even thinking about it, she reached for her stomach and held her hand over it trying to keep the pain in. She blamed herself for what they lost and she was sure that he blamed her for it, too. She's the one that lost their daughter. Not him.

"It should've been me. She should be here. I just want to trade places with her."

"Time's almost up. Why don't we start on this next session?"

"Wow, has it been an hour already?" She quickly wiped away her tears. She had to get back to school. Her next class would be starting soon and she couldn't be late and she certainly couldn't walk into class looking like this.

"Yep. Good session today, Haley. We're making good progress. You've come along way since the first time that I've seen you."

She forced a smile. "Thanks."

"Same time next week?"

"Of course," Haley nodded. She left Olivia's office and rushed back to school. Today was such a busy day and she didn't know how she would get through it. It didn't help matters that she agreed to dinner with Nathan. It's not that she didn't want to see him. She was just afraid to be around him, afraid of what he might do or make her feel. Everything about tonight terrified her and she didn't know if she was ready for something like this yet.

* * *

Nathan sat anxiously at his desk as he rushed through the file in his hands. He couldn't wait to be off and get over to the house to start dinner. He had been waiting for tonight all week. He even kept his distance and stayed away from her. He didn't want to give her any reason to change her mind. They needed this.

"Nathan."

He glanced up as his father walked into his office. "Dad."

"Just stopping by before I go into court. Your mother wanted me to invite you over for dinner tonight. She's worried about you."

"I can't," Nathan sighed. He told his mother not to worry about him.

"Please, son. It'll make her feel better," Dan explained.

He dropped the file on his desk. "I'm making dinner for Haley, Dad."

"Oh," Dan muttered. "I didn't realize…I mean I thought…"

"This whole space thing is just temporary," Nathan shrugged it off. "We'll get back on track, I know it. We love each other."

"I know that, Nathan."

"I have to try. I can't just give up. Remember what you taught us?"

Dan nodded with a smile. "Never give up on anything that means something to you."

"My family means more to me than anything. I can't just not fight for them, Dad."

"Of course, I hope things get better for the two of you," Dan smiled. "After everything you both deserve to be happy."

"Yeah."

"How's work?"

"I have so many cases on my desk I don't even know."

"Need me to take some of those from you? I don't mind."

He shook his head. "I'll get to them eventually. It's just that now that I'm not living at home I like to spend as much time as I can with Jamie."

"Where is the little man?" Dan grinned. "I haven't seen him in a few days."

"With his grandma Karen."

"You'll have to bring him by soon. I promised that I'd toss around the football with him."

"He'd love that, Dad," Nathan smiled.

"I have to get going."

"Good luck in court."

"Good luck with your wife, Nathan. I hope that everything works out. You deserve it, son."

"Thanks, Dad."

He watched as his father left and he couldn't help but smile. Glancing at the clock, he stood up and gathered his things. He needed to stop and pick up a few things for dinner and he wanted to pass by Karen and Keith's to see Jamie. They were keeping him for the night and he had missed him.

"Can I help you with anything, Nathan?" Carrie questioned as she walked into his office.

He glanced up surprised before shaking his head. "I'm about to take off."

"It's a little early, huh?" Carrie giggled.

"Yeah, I know but I've got plans."

"Must be important for you to be leaving early like this."

"I have plans with my wife," Nathan muttered as he placed a few files into his briefcase.

"Oh."

He glanced up at her surprised voice. "Is something wrong?"

"No," Carrie muttered. "I just thought that you two were separated."

"Well, we're not," Nathan snapped angrily. "And I'd really appreciate it if you'd stop calling me so late. It isn't professional."

"Sorry, like I told you the other day, one of your old clients got into some trouble the other night and he wanted your help."

He felt bad instantly. "Look, I'm sorry. My wife and I are not separated. Now, if you'll excuse me I've got to get going. Just go home and enjoy your weekend, Carrie. I'll see you on Monday." Before she could reply he was out the door and headed down the hall. He had things to do and he couldn't wait until tonight. He needed for tonight to get here already.

* * *

Haley sat at her desk grading papers. The stack in front of her seemed endless but she wanted to get it over with. She hated putting it off because it would only bother her until she did it. The whole school day had gone by surprisingly fast and it was getting late. She knew that she would have to leave soon.

"Mrs. Scott?"

She glanced up and noticed Sarah standing in the doorway. "Sarah, what are you still doing here?"

"Mr. Keller let me stay in the music room so that I could work on my solo for the concert tomorrow. He was supposed to help me but something came up and he had to take off. I was wondering if you could come help me. Mr. Keller suggested that I come ask you for help since you know how to play."

She was going to kill him. She was _really_ going to kill him.

"Sarah, I –"

"Please, Mrs. Scott. This really has to go well for me. I'm hoping to get into Julliard and I need this solo to be flawless. I could really use your help."

She kept her eyes glued to the distraught girl before her. How could she say no to that? She could help her, give her pointers, and let her know what she thought. She didn't need to touch the piano to help her. She sighed before dropping the paper in her hands.

"I really need you," Sarah insisted.

"Ok," Haley muttered as she stood up. "But I can't stay long."

"That's fine. I just really need your help."

"Let's get to the music room then."

"Thank you so much," Sarah smiled happily as they walked down the hall.

"Don't thank me yet."

"I didn't even know you played until Mr. Keller told me."

She was really going to hurt him for this. "I used to play. I went to school for it actually."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"That must have been awesome. Where did you go?"

"Stanford," Haley muttered. They made it to the music room and she took a seat in a chair close to the piano as she waited for Sarah to start.

"That must have been fun."

"It was."

"I can't wait to get into Julliard. Both my parents have been pushing me on the piano my whole life. It's all I know. I just have to get in. This is like my whole future we're talking about."

"Well, I'm sure you'll get in."

Sarah was one of those students who always made straight A's. She had been exactly like that back in school and she couldn't blame the girl for how she was acting. To Sarah her whole future was riding on this one performance as if this would be only chance she got. She relaxed herself into her seat as she waited patiently.

"Show me what you've got."

"Here goes nothing," Sarah mumbled before she started playing.

* * *

She pulled up to the house tiredly. She couldn't help but yawn as she turned off the car and reached for her bags. Helping Sarah had been more work then she thought it would be. The girl was so self-conscious about everything that she had to practically force her to calm down.

Sarah was one of those girls that you had to constantly remind them that they were doing a good job. Sarah had wanted to know what she thought about everything. The girl was good but she needed to relax. Haley prayed that her solo tomorrow night went well. She worked hard enough on it. She didn't even want to think of how bad Sarah would flip if things didn't go well. She had been the perfect student in her class last year but Haley was sure that Sarah would just lose it if the guy coming down from Julliard didn't like what he heard. She wished the girl well.

Her whole body ached as she made her way to the back gate. Pushing it open she quickly closed it as she started for the back door. The sight of the back porch light startled her and it was a second later that she noticed Nathan sitting on the steps glancing out towards the pool.

Her heart dropped at the sight of him.

After agreeing to help Sarah she had called and left Nathan a message explaining things. She felt her heart start to pound hard in her chest as the huge hole burned inside of her. She swallowed the lump in her throat as she slowly walked towards him. When he noticed her he stood up and reached for the dozen of red roses that were lying on the ground next to him.

"I'm so sorry…did you get my message?" Haley rushed out softly.

"Yeah, it's fine," Nathan smiled softly. "You're here now and that's all I care about."

He held out the long stem red roses to her and she smiled at him before bringing them close to her. Over the years Nathan was constantly buying her flowers. He was sweet like that, always had been, and always would be. It was just the way he was.

"They're beautiful, Nathan."

"Come on inside," Nathan muttered. His hand hesitantly moved to the small of her back as he walked them inside the house. Once they were in the kitchen he waited as she cut the stems before placing the roses in a vase and filling it with water. She placed it on the island counter top before turning to face him.

She smiled at him once again and in an instant he was in front of her and leaning in. She braced herself, her whole body tense. His lips brushed against hers slowly and her eyes snapped shut. She didn't know why she was suddenly afraid of him but she was.

"Let's eat."

He pulled away from her lips before reaching for her hand and pulling her towards the dinning room. She smiled when she realized the nice candle lit dinner waiting for them. She was truly touched by the whole thing. He held out her chair for her and she took a seat before he joined her.

"What are we having?" Haley asked softly as she relaxed herself.

He started to pour her a glass of wine before grinning. "You'll see."

Haley took a sip of wine as he removed the lid from container on the table. The smell of Mac and Cheese hit her full force and she heard her stomach growl. She hadn't realized how hungry she had been.

"You're the best," Haley told him.

"I am, huh?"

The sound of him chuckling had her heart pounding in her chest. It had been so long since things were light and fun between the two of them. It was nice. She sat and watched as he fixed both their plates.

"How was your day?" Nathan questioned.

"It was good. You?"

"Not half bad. I stopped by to see Jamie on my way over. The little man was having a blast helping your dad fix your moms car. He told me when he gets old he was to be like his grandpa so that he can fix stuff."

They both started laughing before they started eating. It was really good and she found herself enjoying the meal. She should have known that Nathan would make her favorite meal. She could feel his eyes on her as she ate and she tried to ignore it. It didn't help. She could feel him staring and it was unnerving. He was looking at her like she was going to break any second now.

She hated that look from him.

"What?" Haley finally breathed as she glanced at him.

"Nothing," Nathan muttered. "I just miss you…miss this."

He reached across the table and took hold of her hand before squeezing it. Their eyes locked and she could see hope shining in his eyes. Her heart started pounding widely in her chest when she realized how much this whole night meant to him. She swallowed the lump in her throat as she felt him slip that colorful crackerjack bracelet he had given her all those years ago, on her wrist. She glanced down at it and she felt her heart constrict.

"This isn't going to fix me, Nathan."

He shrugged before smiling. "Never said it would. Let's dance."

"Nathan."

"C'mon, baby, it'll be fun. I'm not expecting anything from you, if that's what you're worried about. I just want to be close to you. We don't have to do anything. We don't even have to talk. I just want to be next to you." He stood up and pulled her with him towards the living room.

She followed him hesitantly. Sure he said that he didn't except anything from tonight but she knew that was a lie. He had big hopes for tonight and it was slowly crushing her because she couldn't give him what he wanted. Before she could think about it any further they stopped walking and she heard music start to play slowly.

The sound of Sheryl Crows "I Shall Believe" filled her ears.

Nathan pulled her close and snapped his eyes shut. His hands held her hips loosely as they moved in slow circles. He felt her relax into him seconds later as her head fell on his chest.

"Remember this?"

She nodded softly. "Of course I do."

That had been one of the best nights of her life. They had finally decided to be together and it had been the best feeling in the world back then. That had been so long ago and things were so different back then. They didn't have all this history to live up to, there were no expectations. Things had been easy back then.

She didn't know how long they danced for but it was nice.

"Um, it's getting late," Haley muttered.

"You have big plans in the morning?" Nathan chuckled as he pulled away from her so that he could see her face.

She smiled halfheartedly. "No, but I'd like to call and talk to Jamie for a bit."

"That's good. I'll do the dishes while you do that."

"Ok." She started to walk away but his voice had her stopping and looking over her shoulder at him. He had a huge smile on his face and suddenly her heart was thudding widely once again.

"This night isn't over. I've got a few more things up my sleeve."

"Is that so?"

He shrugged teasingly. "Years of practice, baby."

The sound of his laughter filled her ears as she smiled before walking back towards the kitchen. She dialed her mother's number quickly before going stand by the back door. As she waited for her mom to get Jamie she played with the crackerjack bracelet around her wrist. Once Jamie was on the phone she spent the next twenty minutes listening to how his day went.

She couldn't help but smile as she listened. She felt a tap on her shoulder and she noticed Nathan glancing at her intently.

"Come meet me upstairs once you're done."

She glanced at him wearily as she continued to listen to Jamie.

"I'm not expecting anything from you, I promise. Just come up. I'll be waiting."

She watched him go as she tired her best to pay attention to Jamie. What could he possibly want her upstairs for that didn't involve them being intimate? She didn't know but she was terrified to go up there and see what he wanted. He might not have been expecting anything but he certainly wanted something to happen. She had felt that all night.

She swallowed the lump in her throat before finishing her conversation with Jamie.

Then hesitantly she took off upstairs. She was very nervous and she didn't know what to expect. She took her time as she tried to push her nerves aside. It was stupid. He was her husband. He was hers just like she was his. She knew she shouldn't feel nervous. She pushed their bedroom door open minutes later apprehensively and held her breath as she glanced around. When she noticed that Nathan was nowhere in the room she finally started breathing again.

She noticed the light on in the bathroom and she took off walking towards it. She walked into their bathroom slowly. He was in their tub taking a bubble bath with candles all over the bathroom. She felt her heart tighten in her chest as she stood frozen in place as she gazed at him. If this had been any other time she'd be laughing at the way he had his hair currently. It was all pushed to the middle in a Mohawk with a few bubbles in his hair.

"Join me," Nathan grinned.

"Nathan, I –" She just wasn't ready.

"I'm really not excepting sex, Hales. It would be nice but I know you're not ready. I just want to spend sometime together. It's nothing we haven't done before," Nathan explained.

This wasn't a good idea. "I don't want to make this harder for you."

"You won't."

"Just a bubble bath?" Haley asked nervously.

He chuckled. "You have my word. I'll be a complete gentleman."

"Ok."

"Ok," Nathan smirked. He relaxed himself in the tub as his eyes stayed glued to her.

She glanced at him nervously unsure of what to do next. She noticed the look on his face and it made her nerves increase tenfold. She felt her hands shaking slightly as she continued to glance at him. She felt something shake deep inside of her at his intense gaze.

"Could you maybe…" She felt stupid.

"You don't want me to watch," Nathan guessed with a chuckle. "Haley, you don't have to be nervous. You don't have to come in if you don't want. I'd never make you do something you were uncomfortable with."

"No, I want to," Haley murmured. "Just close your eyes."

"Fine," Nathan chuckled as he closed his eyes before placing his hand over his face.

She quickly undressed herself. She felt stupid for being this nervous. Nathan had seen her naked thousands of times before and it was stupid that she'd be embarrassed to undress in front of him. It was just nerves. It was stupid.

She stepped into the tub, the warm water suddenly surrounding her. She sat herself on the opposite side of the tub facing him. She relaxed herself in the warm water, the bubbles covering just above her breasts.

"Can I look now?"

His laughter had her smiling. "Yes."

He opened his eyes and smiled brightly at her. "You scared of me, Haley?"

_Yes_, she thought.

"Why would you say that?"

"You're sitting way over there and I was hoping that you'd come a little closer. You know this isn't out first bubble bath together. You don't need to feel nervous."

"I know. I just…"

"It's ok, I get it. This is nice too."

"But not what you were expecting?"

"I wasn't expecting anything, really, Haley. I didn't even think you'd get in."

"Oh."

Without a second though she moved her body closer to his before turning herself around so that her back was to him. She felt him move behind her and she leaned back slowly until her back hit his chest. His long legs were right next to hers.

"That's more like it," Nathan whispered softly as his hands came to rest of her arms. He rubbed her arms under the water as he smiled.

Her eyes snapped shut. "This feels nice."

She felt his lips pressing onto the side of her head and she smiled. It felt nice to be with him like this again. It was almost as if the accident hadn't happened. Once that thought entered her head she quickly tried to push it out. She didn't want to ruin this.

"I love you."

She felt his hands slowly wrap around her stomach and rest there. "I…"

"It's ok. You don't have to say it. I know you love me."

"I do."

He smiled. "Thank you."

Turning slightly, she smiled at him before softly pressing her lips to his.

* * *

Nathan dressed himself happily, quite pleased with the way things had happened tonight. Sure he had wanted more but she was giving him more than enough. He hadn't expected things to go so well tonight.

The bubble bath had been amazing. He held her for a while until the water started to turn cold and she started shivering in his arms. She was currently in the bathroom changing while he finished in their room. He ran his fingers through his wet hair as he sat on the edge of their bed. It wasn't long before she was walking out of the bathroom.

He stood up quickly. Even in a pair of shorts and his old Stanford shirt she still looked breathtaking.

"So how about we go downstairs and look at some old photo albums," Nathan suggested nervously. "Maybe the ones from when you were pregnant. It'd be nice to…"

His words died on his lips as she took a defensive step back from him.

"Or maybe we could just talk," Nathan added.

She glanced away and folded her arms over her chest. He kept his anger at bay as he realized that all of a sudden her walls were back up since he mentioned talking about the past. He didn't want to get mad. It had been a good night, better than he thought it would be.

"Is this how it's going to be from now on, Haley?"

His frustration only seemed to grow as she started crying. How had they gone from having the best time they'd had in a while tonight, to this? It was like they were right back to where they started. He tried to clam himself when she didn't answer.

"So if I mention the past…the fact that you were pregnant with our daughter you're just gonna shut me out like this?"

Nothing.

"We're married for better or for worse. This being the worse part. We should be dealing with this together! Let me help you!"

She shook her head still glancing away from him.

"You ever think about that night?"

That got a response from her. She glared at him angrily. At least it was something. It was way better than her ignoring him. He couldn't take that. He couldn't let things stay the same anymore. It just wasn't working for him. Not anymore.

"I do," Nathan muttered softly. "I think about it all the time. I wonder what would've happened if we hadn't left home in the first place. You think she'd be here with us, Haley? What do you think things would be like?"

She closed her eyes in pain. "Stop talking about her."

"Why? She was my daughter, too. You're not the only one that lost her!"

"I know that," Haley whispered as she opened her eyes. "Don't you think I know that?"

"Do you?" Nathan shot back angrily. "Because you certainly fucking act like you're the only one that lost something."

"That's not true."

He sighed in frustration. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to be this way. I don't. This is killing me, Haley."

"Me too," she cried softly. "Please stop apologizing. You're making it worse."

"It shouldn't be this _hard_," Nathan whispered. "You were fine today…happy even, as long as we weren't talking about the past or what happened to her. You put these walls up and you close yourself off from me and I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to fix this."


	10. Chapter 10

_Chapter Ten –What Hurts The Most_

Nathan bounced the ball angrily in his hands as he stood at the free throw line. He had been out here all morning and still he couldn't bring himself to take a shot. It was still early in the morning and the cool morning breeze felt good against his skin. He loved coming out here and playing for fun. The whole week had just been so stupid and pointless. The only time he felt anything was the few hours he spent with Jamie before bringing him home. Sure he could have gone over and seen Jamie whenever he wanted but he couldn't bring himself to see _her _since that night.

He just couldn't bring himself to do it.

He was just so hurt and angry. He didn't want to see her at the moment and getting Jamie required just that, seeing her. He just couldn't deal with it all right now. She wanted her fucking space and he was going to give it to her. He was only giving her what she wanted. He didn't know what he had been thinking with that stupid dinner.

Like one night could change them.

He laughed bitterly as he bounced the ball as hard as he could on the ground. It flew in the air before hitting the ground and bouncing away from him. He followed after it sluggishly. Once he reached it he made his way back to the basketball court.

He started bouncing the ball once again. The sound of a car door had him turning. He noticed his mother walking towards him and he sighed. He wasn't in the mood for this. He held the ball in his hands as he took off walking towards her. They met in the middle of the court.

"Mom, what are you doing here?"

"Just wanted to check on you, sweetie. You haven't been by the house in a while and that secretary of yours must not be telling you when I call," Deb said before hugging him. She held him tight and didn't let go. "I don't really like her."

"I'm fine," Nathan muttered.

"Sweetie, don't lie to me. I know you."

"Really, I'm fine," Nathan insisted.

She pulled out of their embrace and glanced at him. "Let's go take a seat."

He followed her over to the bleachers and took a seat next to her. He should have known that this was coming sooner rather than later. She had been calling him nonstop over the last few months. His mother was very persistent.

"Talk to me," Deb stated soothingly.

Nathan shrugged. "I don't know what to say."

"Say anything."

"My marriage is falling apart and there's nothing I can do about it. My wife can't even look at me or be around me. It hurts her too much. Is that what you wanted to hear?" He glanced at the ground angrily. He felt her comforting hand run up and down his back.

"I'm so sorry, sweetie."

He shook his head. "This is so fucking stupid! Why won't she just let me in?"

"I don't know."

"But _I_ can help her. I know I can. I know what she's going through. I feel the same way. We're just dealing with it in different ways, but I know the pain she's feeling. I feel it to, mom, and it hurts so much that some days I just want to give up but then I think about Jamie and I know that I can't do that." He could feel his heart aching in his chest.

"Maybe you're just stronger."

"But I'm not. I need her. I can't just live without her."

He didn't understand why they didn't get that. Didn't they know that Haley and Jamie were everything to him? Didn't they get it?

"You guys met so young, Nathan. You never really got a chance to see what else is out there. Maybe if –"

He glanced at her sharply. "What's _that_ supposed to mean?"

"I like Haley, Nathan. I do. But…I'm just saying that maybe this is a good thing," Deb said softly.

"How is her leaving me and my whole world falling apart a good thing?"

Was she serious? He could tell by the expression on her face that she was. She was dead serious. His parents hadn't been that supportive of them when the first started dating. In fact, his parents had been furious when they told them that they were getting married. His father had been the worse though. Eventually his mom came around and accepted them together and it wasn't long after that his father did too. But still in the beginning his parents hadn't been happy about the two of them. He wasn't surprised that his mother was bringing this up now.

"You never really got a chance to live, Nathan. I mean, just you. You've always been either Haley's husband or Jamie's father. Maybe time by yourself…"

"I don't want to be anything else," Nathan stated angrily.

He heard her sigh. "There's a whole big world out there that you haven't –"

"Don't you get it? She's my wife! I don't want anyone else. I don't want to be single. I'm married, mom, for better _or_ for worse. I don't want to see what else is out there. I love my family. I know what I want. I can't live without them." He hated arguing with his mother.

"But she left you, Nathan. What if…"

He glanced at her again. "What if what?"

"What if it's over?" Deb asked softly. "What then? You need to start taking care of yourself, sweetheart. I'm only worried about you."

"It can't be over," Nathan muttered painfully. "She just needs time."

"I really hope that's true."

"She'll get pass this," Nathan added desperately. "She has to. For Jamie…for me."

"I'm sure you're right, sweetheart."

"I love her so much."

"I know you do…so much that I don't think it's healthy."

"What do you mean?"

"It isn't healthy to love someone _that _much, Nathan. It just isn't healthy. Look at you."

He was sure that he looked like crap at the moment.

"That's what makes this so _hard_," Nathan sighed angrily. "How can I love her with everything in me and know that she feels the same and somehow that not be enough?"

"I don't know, Nathan."

"I just feel like we're stuck, you know. We're not moving forward…we're just stuck."

They were stuck. Ever since the accident they had been stuck. It was like time stopped for them. The whole world kept moving around them and they were stuck in the same place unable to move forward with the rest of the world. They needed to move forward. It was the only way for things to get better.

"You know, they say time heals all wounds," Deb spoke up minutes later.

He nodded. "I wish I could believe that."

These wounds were just too deep. No matter how much time went by he was sure that they'd always be there. Yeah, maybe they would get pass it but the scars would always be there. The loss of Nevaeh would always be with them.

"I never told anyone this but when she first woke up after the accident and I had to tell her that we lost the baby…that we lost Nevaeh…her face was just…the anguish on her face. I'll never forget it. She didn't believe me. She just started freaking out, screaming out for Nevaeh. The nurse had to sedate her."

It had been one of the hardest things he ever had to do, to tell her about the death of their daughter. He could still picture her shaking violently in the bed calling out for Nevaeh. That vision came every night when he closed his eyes. It wouldn't leave him. It was the moment that a part of her died. He saw it in her eyes. She hadn't been the same since then.

"Oh, Nathan."

He felt her arms wrap around him as she hugged him. "That was the moment that I lost her."

"You'll get her back, sweetie. I know it," Deb promised. "I've been praying for the two of you every night. You'll find your way back to each other. I really believe that."

"I just don't know if things will ever be the same between us."

"I wish I could make the pain go away for you, sweetie. I wish that I could make things better for you."

Even if she could do that it wouldn't work. He knew that. The only person that could make the pain go away didn't want to be around him. The only person that could make it better was Haley. She was the only one that could make everything better in his world.

* * *

"Will you please just smile?"

She continued pushing her fork around her salad before she glanced up from her desk. Brooke was looking at her and waiting. She didn't want to smile. There was nothing to smile for. She didn't even know why Brooke was here. She just wanted to enjoy her lunch break alone.

"I don't feel like it."

"At least tell me what happened?"

"It's nothing."

"I know you're lying. Besides, you were doing so good last week and now I just seems like things are back to the way they were before," Brooke sighed.

"I'm just having a bad day."

It was more than that, they both knew it. She couldn't bring herself to open up to Brooke at the moment. Ever since Friday and what happened between her and Nathan things had been bad. She hadn't seen or heard from him since then. It's not like she had expected anything from him. She did tell him that she needed space. But still after the way things ended she just wished that she could make things ok between them.

She didn't want to fight with Nathan.

She hadn't meant for her walls to come up when he wanted to talk. She felt so horrible all weekend and all week. Nothing had made her feel better, not even being around Jamie. Sure she pretended that she was fine but she was far from it. She couldn't stop thinking about how angry he had been and all the things he said to her.

"Did something happen with Nathan?" Brooke pressed.

She sighed in frustration. "Would you just drop it? I don't feel like talking about it."

"But I want to help you."

"I don't need your help," Haley snapped angrily. "Why don't you worry about your own love life and stop worrying about mine."

She watched the pain wash across Brooke's face and instantly she felt bad. She hadn't meant to be so harsh. She dropped her fork and reached for Brooke's hand. She squeezed it in hers and sent an apologetic look at her bestfriend.

"I'm so sorry."

"Forget about it."

"I didn't mean that, Tigger. Honestly, I just don't feel like talking about it. I'm so sorry. Please forgive me."

Brooke smiled seconds later. "You're lucky I love you."

"I am," Haley smiled. "I really am sorry."

"I forgive you but don't let it happen again."

"It won't," Haley promised. She let go of Brooke's hand as they started eating again. She forced the food into her mouth and swallowed it. Food just didn't have a taste these days. She searched for something for them to talk about but came up with nothing. They had been talking about the boys all weekend so she knew that she couldn't bring them up.

They were currently with her mother for the day. Nathan would always pick him up after work and spend a few hours with him before dropping him off home. It had been a whole week since their argument and she hadn't seen him since then. He'd always drop Jamie off never coming inside. Even when she went outside to meet Jamie he hadn't even looked at her.

She felt like crying but held it in. Crying would only make Brooke ask more questions and she honestly didn't want to talk about it. If she told Brooke then Brooke would just see what a horrible wife she was.

She heard a knock on her classroom door before it opened and in walked Lucas. She smiled at the sight of him. It had been so long since she seen him. They used to eat lunch together everyday. If it wasn't her visiting him in his office then it was him in here. They'd talk and have fun. She missed that. She hadn't seen him at all since she had been back at school these last two weeks. She had figured that he was mad at her.

"Hales," Lucas smiled as he walked into the classroom. It quickly faded when he noticed Brooke sitting across from Haley at her desk.

Haley glanced between the two of them and their shocked faces as they glanced at each other. It had been so long since the two of them had seen each other. She knew how hard this was for both of them. The awkward tension didn't let up.

"Lucas," Brooke finally smiled.

Lucas smiled sheepishly. "Brooke."

She watched as Brooke stood up before walking over to Lucas and hugging him. It was good to know that after everything that had happened that they could still be friendly with each other. There was a time long ago that this moment wouldn't have been possible. She smiled as she watched them.

"How have you been?" Lucas questioned.

"Great," Brooke smiled genuinely. "How about you? I heard you got married."

"I did," Lucas nodded with a grin. He reached in his pocket and pulled out his wallet before flashing a picture of Lindsey and Lexie to her. "This is my wife Lindsey and our daughter Lexie."

"They're both beautiful, Luke."

"Thanks. I saw your son at the café. He's really getting big."

"He is," Brooke agreed.

"How's…Julian?"

Haley watched Lucas' expression as he asked about Julian. She knew that must have been hard for him. She knew how he felt about Julian Baker. Even though it had been a long time ago it still hurt him even if he pretended it he was ok with it. Everyone knew that Brooke had left him for Julian because she had fallen in love with him. It was no secret. Lucas had been depressed for a long time after that. It was just a bad situation all around. It was even worse for her and Nathan because they seemed to be put in the middle of it. That had been hard for them.

Brooke swallowed the lump in her throat. "He's…good."

"That's great. I'm happy for you," Lucas smiled.

"It's been too long, Broody."

He nodded. "It has. I was just stopping by to see how things were going now that you're back." His eyes landed on Haley as he smiled.

She smiled back. "They're good."

"Well, look I've got a meeting in a few minutes but I'll stop by later to see you. It was nice seeing you again, Brooke Davis." He waved goodbye before quickly rushing out of the door and closing it behind him. Brooke stood there for a few minutes before turning and smiling at Haley.

"I thought that it would be more awkward," Brooke revealed before giggling.

"Me, too."

"But it wasn't. I was really happy to see him. My heart is even pounding in my chest."

She glanced at Brooke with a smile. "He was your first love."

"Yeah. It's just that after everything that happened it's good to know that he's happy. I'll never forget what Luke and I had. He was my first love. That just doesn't go away. It's good to see him happy."

"He is."

"I thought that he would hate me," Brooke muttered as she took a seat. "You know for…"

"He never hated you," Haley stated softly. "He was just hurt."

"I didn't mean for it to happen the way that it did."

"Hey, you can't help who you love," Haley stated simply. "It doesn't work that way. We can't control how we feel. You and Luke just weren't meant to be, that's all. He knows that now. He's very happy with Lindsey and Lexie."

"I'm glad," Brooke smiled. "It makes me feel a little better."

"Well, he's really happy."

"Good. So has anything…_developed_ between you and your husband lately?" Brooke sent her a pointed look and she couldn't help but blush. She really didn't like talking about this aspect of her marriage.

She shook her head. "We haven't been…intimate in a long time."

"How long?"

"Since before the accident."

Brooke started choking on her food. "You're kidding, right?"

"No."

"That doesn't seem strange to you?"

"We haven't exactly been sleeping in the same bed, Brooke," Haley sighed.

"Aren't you worried?"

"What do you mean?"

Brooke sent her a pointed look. "I'm just saying that if it were me I'd be worried that if he wasn't getting it from me then he might go get it from somewhere else. Men have needs. Hell even Julian and I make time for sex. I don't want him getting it anywhere else."

"I trust Nathan," Haley stated honestly. "He'd never cheat on me."

"Right, I know that," Brooke replied. "I'd just be worried, that's all. I mean, have you seen his assistant?"

"Who Carrie?"

"Yeah," Brooke nodded. "Something's up with her. When I stopped by his office and noticed the way she was dressed…"

"What do you mean?"

"I'd just watch out for her," Brooke stated. "I didn't really care for the way she was looking at your man. I just didn't like her. She gave me a bad feeling."

"I trust my husband," Haley repeated.

Brooke. "I know but it's her I wouldn't trust."

She didn't have anything to worry about. Nathan would never cheat on her. But Brooke did bring up a good point. If he wasn't getting it from her then maybe he was getting it from somewhere else. She felt her heart drop. No. Brooke was wrong. Nathan just wasn't like that. She pushed Brooke's words out of her head.

"It doesn't matter anyway because I've been thinking about it and I want him to move back home. It was stupid to think that things would get better with him gone. He should be home. Jamie misses him."

The bell rang and she quickly glanced at the clock on the wall.

"How is lunch over already?" Brooke demanded as she picked up her food.

Haley helped her. "My students will be showing up soon."

"I'm going," Brooke giggled. "Call me when you get off. We'll do something fun with the boys."

"Ok," Haley smiled. She watched as Brooke rushed out of her classroom just as a few students started to walk in. She quickly opened her book and got everything ready for her lesson that she planned for the day.

* * *

"Well, this is just a mess," Carrie muttered.

He glanced around at all the huge stack of folders that surrounded them. He had showed up to work late once again and he knew that he couldn't put this off any longer. Everything needed to be organized and put into a filing cabinet before he lost his mind. He was currently seated on the floor as he shook his head. It was just such a mess.

"I know," Nathan nodded.

"I'll help."

"You don't have to do that."

"I want to."

He took a stack of folders in his hands before he started sorting them out. He needed to get done as soon as possible so that he could send a little time with Jamie today. It was the only thing that he was looking forward to.

He noticed Carrie take a seat next to him as she started helping out. He ignored the fact that she was close to him. They worked in silence for a while before he noticed that Carrie was stretching. Her shirt moved up and revealed the skin of her stomach. He quickly glanced away at the sight of it.

"This looks like an all day job. Should I order us some food?"

"Uh, no. I've got to pick up Jamie soon."

"Oh, right. How is the little guy?"

"Good."

"That's good," Carrie smiled. "I haven't seen him in a while."

He went back to working. He really wanted to get this done. The sooner he got all these files organized, the sooner he could start and finish each new case. His father couldn't do all the work alone.

"You remember how things used to be in high school?"

"What do you mean?" Nathan wondered as he continued working on the files. He had no idea what she was talking about.

"You know, how you were the big basketball star," Carrie grinned.

"Not really," Nathan muttered.

"Basketball God," Carrie corrected. "Everyone worshipped the ground you walked on. That was until you went and moved on us. Dean and Harper took you and Luke's place after that."

"Good for them." Those guys had been all about popularity. What did he care?

"The girls really missed you guys," Carrie continued. "I know that I missed cheering for you."

"We didn't play basketball for Tree Hill," Nathan spoke up. "So it really wouldn't have made a difference if we had stayed. We wouldn't have played either way." Not after that horrible accident that killed their friends.

"That's too bad. You both were really good."

He nodded. "Thanks."

"You remember that party?"

"There were a lot of parties." He didn't like where this was going. He wished that she'd just shut up and work. He didn't want to think about the past.

"It was after you had that really big game freshman year. The seniors threw you this huge party and we –"

"Carrie," Nathan cut her off. "That was a long time ago."

"But you remember," Carrie smiled.

"I remember being drunk."

"I remember a lot more than that."

He sighed. Why did she have to bring it up? He had pushed their past out of his head a long time ago and now here she was trying to make him remember when he didn't want to. He kept his eyes glued to the file in his hands. He really didn't have time for a trip down memory lane. It was something that he wished never happened.

"We really need to finish this up," Nathan spoke up.

"Whatever you say, boss."

* * *

She sat at her desk putting grades into her grade book. She couldn't wait to finish and get home to Jamie. The school day had dragged on after lunch and the kids in her classes seemed to not want to learn today. The whole day had been stressful. She just wanted to get out of here.

She heard a soft knock on her door and she glanced up waiting for Lucas to walk in. He hadn't come by yet and she had been waiting for him. Her smile faded when she noticed Chris walk inside instead.

"What do you want?"

"Well, it's nice to see you, too," Chris grinned.

She was still pissed that he sent Sarah to her for help last week. It's what made her late for her dinner with Nathan. She went back to putting the grades in her grade book trying to ignore him.

"I was just dropping by to say thank you for helping Sarah last week."

"You mean for doing your job," Haley muttered under her breath.

He chuckled. "I guess I deserved that but I had plans."

"What kind of plans?"

"Chris Keller had a date."

She glared at him. "Let me get this straight. You left a student in need because you had a _date!_" She stood up angrily before packing her things.

"In my defense it didn't end well," Chris said before holding up his hands in mock surrender.

"Good."

"I guess I deserved that."

"I had important plans that night and because of you I was late, so thanks."

"Look, I'm sorry."

"Whatever," Haley muttered.

"How is it being back at work?" Chris questioned.

She glared at him once again. "You're asking me about work?"

"Yep," Chris nodded. "We do work together. Just making friendly conversation."

"Its fine," Haley sighed. "I've got to get going."

He started chuckling. "This is becoming our thing."

"What?" She didn't know what he was talking about.

"You having to go right when we start talking," Chris smirked.

She shook her head. "We don't have a thing, Chris."

"Sure we do."

"I'll see you around," Haley muttered before reaching for her bag and walking towards the door. She made it halfway when she felt his hand take hold of hers. She stopped walking and turned to look at him. What the hell was he doing?

"Wait," Chris spoke up. "I just wanted to say that I'm sorry that you missed out on your plans. It was really nice of you to help her out. If you hadn't notice Sarah is a ball of nerves when it comes to her future. She's really talented and I knew she'd be in good hands with you."

"Look, you really don't know me," Haley mumbled.

"I know you're a good person," Chris grinned.

She smiled. "I really have to get –"

Before she knew what was happening, he pressed his lips to hers. She stood there shocked as kissed her. Her arms were limp at her sides as his lips pressed to hers. She couldn't help but think of foreign and different it felt.


	11. Chapter 11

_AN: Thanks for the reviews. I agree with you guys. Carrie and Chris need to get together and take off out of Naley's life. Chris and Carrie are both in the way at the moment and we'll see how things go. I'm all about happy endings but it's how they get there that counts. Well, here's the next chapter. I hope you guys enjoy. I'll be updating soon._

_Chapter Eleven –I Love You More Than I Should _

"Higher!"

"You'll fly off."

"No. Please. Higher!"

"Just a little then."

"Come on, Daddy!"

"Fine. Hold on tight."

"Ok."

He pushed Jamie higher still unsure if he should or not. He was already pushing him a little high and it was making him nervous. Jamie was so small and if he fell and hurt himself then Haley would kill him. He heard Jamie giggling as he pushed him higher and he couldn't help but smile. Maybe he was being crazy.

"I can see everything!"

"Is that right?"

"Yep."

"Cool," Nathan smiled as he continued pushing Jamie.

He enjoyed their time together. It was so strange not being able to see his son whenever he wanted to. Everything was just so different. He hated the silence that the hotel room seemed to bring. It was nothing like living at home. Living at home meant that Jamie was making noise all the time and begging him to play with him. He missed that so much. A few hours a day just wasn't enough.

Nothing about this situation was fair.

It was a while later when he finally stopped pushing Jamie. Once the swing slowed down Jamie jumped off and landed on his feet before glancing over his shoulder and grinning at Nathan.

"How was that, Daddy?

"A perfect ten."

"Sweet," Jamie grinned.

"It's almost time for me to bring you back to Grandma's."

"No," Jamie whined before glancing at him. "I want to stay with you."

"I'm sorry, buddy," Nathan muttered. "She's going to take you home to see your mom later."

"But why can't _you_ take me home," Jamie wondered as Nathan lifted him up in his arms. He held Jamie tight before kissing his forehead. He hated this, hated what it was doing to Jamie, and to him. None of this should be happening. He hated it.

"Your mom is still at work. Plus, I've got to go back to work."

After his talk with his mother this morning and the awkward afternoon with Carrie he had needed to see Jamie and spend sometime with him. Being with Jamie made everything else seem less important, and he needed that today. But it was late in the afternoon and he did have a few things he needed to do.

Jamie didn't say anything else. He just placed his head on Nathan's shoulder. Nathan stood there for minutes wanting nothing more than to give Jamie what he wanted and take him home. But Haley wasn't even off of work yet and he was sure that Karen was waiting for him to bring Jamie back to her. He ran a soothing hand up and down Jamie's back before he took off walking towards his car. This was all just so unfair.

When he reached Karen and Keith's he got out the car hesitantly. Opening the back door he noticed Jamie fast asleep in his car seat. He got him out carefully not wanting to wake him before walking slowly towards the house. He didn't bother to knock as he walked right in and started for the stairs.

"Oh you're back," Karen said softly.

"Yeah, he's a little worn out."

"He must have had fun," Karen smiled.

Nathan nodded. "We did. I'm just going to put him in Haley's room."

"Ok."

He started walking up the stairs again. Once he reached her room he placed Jamie in her bed before covering him up. He kissed Jamie softly on the cheek before standing up straight and taking a good look around her room. He noticed all of the pictures of her, Brooke, and Jake. He smiled. When he got to the pictures of the two of them it faded.

It seemed so long ago as he glanced at the two strange people in the photos. The couple in them looked so happy and in love. He felt his heart aching in his chest at the sight of what they used to be. He really didn't know if they'd ever be that way again and that hurt. It hurt _a lot_.

* * *

After dropping Jamie off, he found himself at his brother's house. He sat on the porch as he waited for Lucas to get off of work. He didn't know why but he didn't feel like going into work. He sipped on the glass of ice tea that Lindsey had fixed him. It wasn't long before Lucas was pulling up into the driveway.

He smiled as Lucas walked up the steps.

"Rough day?" Nathan chuckled. His brother looked horrible.

"You could say that."

Lucas took a seat next to him and glanced out into the distance.

"Team still sucks?"

"Yep."

"They'll get better," Nathan smiled.

"I sure hope so," Lucas muttered. "What did you do today?"

"Got grilled by mom, Carrie flirted with me _again_, and then I hung out with Jamie at the park," Nathan grinned.

"You talked to mom?"

He couldn't help but notice how Lucas ignored his comment about Carrie. He had told Lucas all about the whole situation once it started and his brother had told him to fire her. But now all of a sudden Lucas didn't seem to care.

"Yeah, she was worried so she tracked me down and demanded that I tell her what I'm feeling. You know she actually said that this thing between Haley and me might be good because we married so young and didn't really get to live or some shit like that. Can you believe that?"

Lucas was silent for a minute before sighing. "Maybe she was right."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Nathan demanded as he glanced at his brother. "You can't think that she had a point!"

"I just…"

"What?"

"I saw something and I…"

"What is it?"

Lucas shook his head. "I don't know. I went to see how her day went and I saw her…"

"Who Haley?"

"Yeah," Lucas muttered hoarsely.

"What did you see?" Nathan demanded.

Lucas finally glanced at him and he knew that something was definitely wrong. He hated the look on his face at the moment and he wanted to know what the hell was going on. He felt his heart pounding rapidly in his chest as he waited for Lucas to answer. For some reason he didn't think he really wanted to know what his brother had to say.

"I saw her and some guy…kissing," Lucas replied shakily.

He felt his heart drop. "W- what?"

"She was kissing someone else, Nate." Lucas looked at him with sympathetic eyes.

He felt everything moving in slow motion as he took in his brother's words. Once again everything came crashing down around him and before he could stop himself he was standing up and pacing the front porch angrily. He clenched his fists at his sides as he tried to calm himself. The thought of another man kissing her, touching her, it was more than he could take. He wanted to hurt someone.

His blood was boiling as rage coursed through his veins.

"No," Nathan laughed bitterly. "There's _no_ fucking way."

"It's what I saw," Lucas stated simply.

He glared at his brother. "Then you saw wrong! There's no way that she was kissing another man! You must have saw wrong!"

"Nathan," Lucas stated as he stood up.

He couldn't control himself. He gripped Lucas's shirt roughly in his hands as he glared at him angrily. It took everything in him not to hit Lucas then. Lucas just stood there and didn't try to move away.

"I know what I saw. I'm sorry, man."

"You don't know what the hell you're talking about," Nathan hissed angrily.

"Is everything ok?" Lindsey questioned as she stood in the doorway with Lexie in her arms. At the sight of them Nathan quickly let Lucas go before turning away from them. He tried his best to calm himself down but it wasn't working out so well. He couldn't get the picture of another man kissing her out of his mind. It was driving him crazy.

"Everything is fine. Just go back inside," Lucas said calmly.

"You sure?"

Lucas nodded. "We're just talking."

"Ok."

He continued clenching his fists at his sides. As much as he didn't want to believe his brother he knew that Lucas wouldn't just make something like this up. It was real and with that thought he felt his chest tighten. His heart was aching in his chest and all he wanted to do was track the guy down and kill him.

What was she doing kissing someone else? What was she doing…

He felt tears slowly fall from his eyes.

"I'm so sorry, Nathan," Lucas said sincerely as he placed a comforting hand on his shoulder.

He wiped away the tears before Lucas could see. "I can't believe this."

"Maybe I saw wrong. Maybe it wasn't her."

"Who was he?"

"Nate," Lucas sighed.

"Who?"

"The music teacher. I'm not sure of his name," Lucas replied.

"I feel like I could kill him," Nathan stated angrily as he continued to clench his fists at his sides. He really wanted to drive down to the high school and find this guy, he wanted to pound his face in, but more than that, he wanted this to not be real. This was like some horrible fucking nightmare.

He couldn't even touch his wife much less kiss her and here this guy is kissing her.

This was so fucked up. He didn't know what to think. Was it the first time? How long had she known him? Did she like him? Was it her that kissed him? So many questions raced through his mind.

"Just calm down, Nate."

He shook his head as he took a step back. He placed his hand over his forehead as he thought about what he was going to do.

"I need to get out of here," Nathan muttered. "I need…"

He took off walking quickly towards his car. He heard his brother calling out for him but he couldn't bring himself to turn around. He jumped in his car and took off before Lucas could stop him. He felt more rage build inside of him as he drove angrily.

* * *

Nathan sat on their bed holding their wedding picture in his hands. He continued to gaze at it until he heard the front door open and then close. He stayed sitting there as he placed the picture face down on her nightstand. After all she couldn't stand the sight of him, no need to face a picture of him where she slept.

After driving around angrily for an hour he found himself here in their room.

He stood up and reached for the two suitcases that he packed with most of his clothes. She didn't want him here anymore and after what his brother told him, he didn't want to be here. Lifting the suitcases up, he took off out of the room. He made it down the stairs slowly before walking to the door. He placed his suitcases by the door before turning around. He heard noise coming from the kitchen.

He found her in the kitchen getting things out for dinner. He stood there watching her until she turned and noticed him. She took a step back and placed a hand over her heart.

"Nathan," Haley breathed. The sight of him startled her.

"Sorry," Nathan muttered unemotionally.

"What are you doing here?"

"I came pick up some more of my things."

"Oh." She felt her heart drop at his words. He looked really upset and she wanted to ask him why but the words wouldn't seem to come out. "I was thinking that maybe you could come home. Jamie misses you and I…your hand. You're bleeding. What happened?"

She rushed in front of him quickly and lifted his hand up close to her face. He glanced down at the blood slowly dripping from his hand, his knuckles covered in blood. It was funny but after pounding his fist into cement he didn't feel any pain, he didn't feel anything.

Nathan watched her in a blur as she rushed around the kitchen before she pulled him towards the sink and started cleaning his hand up. Once she was done she dried his hand before glancing up at him with expectant eyes. He took a few steps away from her to distant himself.

"How did this happen? Does it –"

He cut her off.

"Did you have a good day?" Nathan questioned.

She swallowed the lump in her throat before nodding. "It was ok. You?"

He closed his eyes at her answer. "Not so good."

"Do…do you want to talk about it?" Haley asked hesitantly. Clearly something was bothering him and she wanted to make sure that he was ok. And his hand. What happened to his hand? She needed to know. She didn't want things to be like this between them anymore.

"What did you do today?"

"Went to work and had lunch with Brooke," Haley replied shakily.

"That's it?"

She nodded numbly. "Yeah."

"Nothing else happened today?" Nathan pressed as he took a few steps closer to her. He didn't stop until he was standing a few feet in front of her.

She shook her head as a cold feeling washed over her. "No."

"You're not going to tell me are you?" Nathan whispered painfully.

She felt her heart drop once again at the look on his face and the agony in his voice. She couldn't seem to find her voice. She wanted so badly to say something but the words just didn't seem to want to come out. She could feel her hands shaking at her sides. He continued to gaze her intently.

"Did you kiss him?"

Just like that everything came crashing down around her. She felt so cold and numb on the inside as she glanced at him shocked. The huge hole burned so badly that it felt like she couldn't breathe.

"How do you know about that?" Haley breathed.

His face hardened. "So it's true?"

She closed her eyes in pain at the sound of his voice and accusing eyes. Pain was coming at her in all different directions as earlier flashed in her mind.

"_I'll see you around," Haley muttered before reaching for her bag and walking towards the door. She made it halfway when she felt his hand take hold of hers. She stopped walking and turned to look at him. What the hell was he doing?_

"_Wait," Chris spoke up. "I just wanted to say that I'm sorry that you missed out on your plans. It was really nice of you to help her out. If you hadn't notice Sarah is a ball of nerves when it comes to her future. She's really talented and I knew she'd be in good hands with you." _

"_Look, you really don't know me," Haley mumbled._

"_I know you're a good person," Chris grinned._

_She smiled. "I really have to get –" _

_Before she knew what was happening, he pressed his lips to hers. She stood there shocked as he continued to kiss her. Her arms were limp at her sides as his lips pressed to hers. She couldn't help but think of foreign and different it felt. It felt so wrong. She didn't want him kissing her. These weren't the lips she craved for._

_Once she realized what was happening she quickly pushed him hard in the chest. His lips left hers and before she could stop herself she slapped him hard._

_He held his hand over his face. "Damn, girl, you hit hard. It was just a kiss."_

"_I'm married you idiot!" _

_She brought her hand to her mouth and wiped her lips._

"_What?"_

"_I'm married! You can't just go around kissing people!" _

_Chris held up his hands. "I didn't know that you were married."_

"_Well, I am. I have to go." _

"_Haley, I'm sorry. I didn't know. I thought you were playing hard to get," Chris stated._

_She glared at him. "Hard to get? I told you that I wasn't interested, you arrogant jerk!"_

"_A lot of girls say that and I still end up hooking up with them."_

"_Well, I'm not one of them," Haley stated angrily. "I can not believe that you kissed me!"_

"_Your husband –"_

"_Will kill you if he finds out!"_

"_It's not my fault," Chris rushed out. "You never said that you were married." _

"_You didn't ask!" _

"Lucas saw you so don't even bother lying about it."

She opened her eyes as a few tears rolled down her cheeks. "I can explain."

"You know what I don't get," Nathan stated painfully, "you won't even let me touch you much less kiss you but he can."

"No," Haley whispered shaking her head. "It isn't like that. _He_ kissed me. I didn't want him to."

"Seems like it to me."

She continued to shake her head. "No."

He stood there glancing at her with pain in his eyes.

"I love you." She tried to search for the right words. She felt his hand take hold of hers and hold it in his. His finger moved over her hand before he glanced back up at her more hurt than before. "It didn't mean anything, Nathan. It didn't."

"Then why aren't you wearing your wedding ring?"

"I love you, I do," Haley repeated, "I just feel like…" She felt like she didn't deserve to wear it. "I love you _so_ much that it hurts."

He shook his head before dropping her hand and taking a step away from her. He felt his resolve slip away. He had been holding on for so long and he couldn't anymore. He was so tired, tired of everything, of her pushing him away. He felt like he couldn't breathe. What was the point in fighting when she continued to push him away? He couldn't take it anymore. All she seemed to do lately was push him away and it was working.

She didn't want him anymore. That was clear. He could feel his chest rising and falling rapidly as he finally realized that things would never be the same between them. The tears soon followed and he felt like he couldn't breathe.

She watched as his face changed until she didn't recognize who he was anymore. It terrified her. She didn't know what to do, what to say. When he started crying she instantly took a step towards him but he took a step back. He looked even more broken than before and she felt her tears spilling at the sight of him.

"Nathan, I love you. This is just really hard for me."

"I'm leaving," Nathan muttered unemotionally. "I've got this work thing up in New York. I'll be gone for two weeks and when I get back…when I get back I'll file for separation." He swallowed hard at his words.

"W-What?"

"I just can't do this anymore, Haley. I love but –" Nathan whispered softly.

"No," Haley stated loudly as a few tears fell. "You don't mean that. I know you don't. I know things have been hard for us but I –"

"I can't believe you kissed him," Nathan muttered as he shook his head. "I can't stop picturing it in my head. It's all I can think about…his hands on you." He clenched his fists at his sides. He really needed to hit something again.

"It didn't mean anything. You have to believe me."

"A kiss always means something!" Nathan exploded. "I can't take this anymore!"

She continued to shake her head. It didn't mean anything. He needed to see that. She didn't want Chris to kiss her or any other man for that matter.

"You don't mean that do you?" Haley whispered as he walked towards him with her hand over her heart.

"Daddy's home!" Jamie yelled excitedly.

Nathan quickly wiped his eyes as Jamie ran through the kitchen before jumping in his arms. He smiled at Jamie.

Haley stood there numbly as she watched Nathan hold Jamie. Everything in her wanted to breakdown but she couldn't let it take over. She just couldn't. Not in front of Jamie. Her mind raced trying to find a way to fix this.

"Where's Grandma?"

"She left to go close up the café," Jamie replied with a grin. "She waited for me to get inside before leaving. She said to call her, Momma."

She nodded painfully.

"Are you staying home, Daddy?"

He felt his chest tighten as he glanced down at Jamie. "No, buddy."

"But –" Jamie's smile faded.

"I've got to away on a business trip for two weeks. I'm sorry, buddy."

"But that's so long!" Jamie complained. "We were supposed to play basketball tomorrow!"

"I know. I'll make it up to you. I'll be back before you know it," Nathan smiled. "Besides, you'll be having so much fun with Jacob and your mom that you won't even notice that I'm gone."

"I guess," Jamie sighed before hugging him.

"I'm going to miss you so much." He held Jamie tightly in his arms. He hated everything about this. He didn't want to leave Jamie. He closed his eyes and wished that this was all some stupid dream he was having. He just wanted to wake up and have his life be normal again. When he opened his eyes everything was still the same. "I love you, buddy."

"I love you, too, Daddy."

"I'll see you when I get back. Go up to your room so I can talk to your mommy for a second." He kissed Jamie softly before placing him down on the ground. Jamie hesitantly took off walking towards the stairs. He waited until he heard Jamie running up the stairs before he finally glanced at Haley.

"Please just –"

"I've got to get out of here," Nathan muttered before he took off walking to the door. He couldn't be here any longer, couldn't be around her. He just needed to be somewhere else, anywhere else. More rage rushed through him.

"Nathan, wait."

He didn't bother to turn at the sound of her voice. He reached his suitcases and lifted them up before opening the front door and rushing out of the house. He felt like the only way the pain would stop if he was far, far away from her.

"Please don't leave like this. Please."

He felt her grab hold of his arm to stop him and then he wasn't quite sure what happened next. All he knew was that he heard a loud slamming noise and a few things break. The sound of Haley whimpering broke him out of his thoughts. He turned slightly and noticed that she was slumped up against the wall and a few broken pictures surrounding her on the floor.

Without a second thought he reached to help her up but she flinched away from him. He took a few steps back as he realized that he had did this to her. He hadn't meant to. He stared at her in horror. How did this happen?

"Ouch," Haley whimpered as she tried to push herself up. Her back was stinging in pain and she felt a headache coming on. She stood up slowly trying to balance herself. Then she waited for everything around her to stop moving.

"Haley, I didn't…"

"I know. I know. It was an accident," Haley assured him quickly as she glanced up at him.

His hands were shaking uncontrollably at his sides. "I'd never hit you."

"I know that. It was an accident, Nathan. I'm ok."

Nathan knew it was a lie and when she took a step towards him he took a step back.

"Look what you're doing to me," Nathan whispered. This wasn't him. He would never put his hands on Haley like that. He never even thought about it. He wasn't that type of man. Yet just minutes before he shoved his wife forcefully against the wall because he had been angry and hadn't been thinking clearly.

"Let's just talk about this. I know I said I needed space from you but that wasn't right. I don't need space from you, Nathan. I love you. I know I'm not the same person I used to be but I'm trying to be and I want us to fix this."

He glanced at her sadly. "Maybe I'm the one who needs space from _you_."

Nathan left without another word. He needed to get away from her, from everything. The farther he got the better.


	12. Chapter 12

AN: Thanks for the reviews. They had a lot of mixed reviews about what went down between Naley. I agree with some of you. The others I didn't. I guess some people see things differently. I just want to say that Nathan and Haley are going through a lot. Marriage isn't always rainbows and sunshine. People have problems. That's life. They lost a child and of course it's hard for both of them. Haley's been closed off for the whole story and she needs to open up and let Nathan in. As for Nathan well I think that he did need his space from her. All she's been doing is pushing him away and in his mind she doesn't want him anymore. Everything has been really hard for him and to find out about her kissing Chris was the breaking point for him. It was wrong for him to push her and he knows that.

As for the whole Carrie situation, I just want to say that not _once_ has Nathan flirted with her. In fact, it's been the other way around. She's been flirting with him and he's told her to cut it out. Nathan's done nothing wrong.

I'm happy that some of you are enjoying the story. Things will get better for them. For those who don't like it then don't read it. No ones making you read it. Well, here's the next chapter. Sorry for the rant.

_Chapter Twelve –These Wounds Won't Seem To Heal_

Nathan sat in the large lobby as the world seemed to move around him. He had been waiting for over an hour now and he was getting tired. After waiting for the first flight out at the airport last night and finally getting a flight this morning he was tired. He slept a little on the plane but it wasn't much.

How could he sleep after what happened? Not after what he did. He just couldn't get over it. It kept replaying over in his mind since it happened. It made him sick to his stomach as he thought about it.

He came straight here but was told that he had to wait in the lobby.

He ran his hands over his face tiredly. He was so exhausted. Everything in him was so exhausted. He felt his phone vibrating in his pocket. He pulled it out hesitantly and noticed the picture of Haley and Jamie on the screen letting him know that it was home calling. He hit the ignore button once again before putting his phone back in his pocket.

She had called countless times since he left the house last night but he didn't want to talk to her. He couldn't, at least not right now, he didn't have it in him. He needed a little time to make sense out of what happened.

"Nathan Scott!"

He glanced up and smiled when he noticed her. "Peyton."

He stood up as she started running towards him. She jumped in his arms, her legs wrapping around his waist as he held her tight. He felt her lips on his cheek a second later and he couldn't help but smile.

"Why didn't you tell me you were coming?"

"It was kind of a last minute decision," Nathan chuckled as he placed her on the ground. She continued to smile at him and he couldn't help but smile back. He ignored the people looking at them.

"It's been too long."

"It has," Nathan agreed. He hadn't seen her in years. After the accident she had called but they really hadn't talked that much.

"Are Haley and Jamie with you?" Peyton questioned as she glanced around.

He felt his heart aching in his chest. "Nah, it's just me."

"Oh."

"So look at you," Nathan smiled as he glanced at her. "How does it feel running this big record label? Do you know that when I told the lady up front that I was an old friend she didn't believe me? I thought she was going to call security."

"Shut up," Peyton laughed as she punched him.

"So do you have to go back up or…?"

"What did you have in mind?"

He shrugged. "I'm in need of a little fun."

"Oh," Peyton laughed. "I'm done for the day so we can just go. Are you staying anywhere? How long are you here for?"

"I've got nowhere to stay and I'm here for two weeks."

"Then you'll stay with me," Peyton smiled.

"I was hoping you'd say that."

"So what kind of fun are we talking about?"

He couldn't help but chuckle. "As long as it involves a lot of alcohol then I'm game."

"I know just the place," Peyton grinned. She linked arms with him and he quickly reached for his bags before she pulled him out of the building.

* * *

"Here you go."

Peyton placed a bottle of scotch on the table before pushing a glass in front of him. She took a seat across from him before removing her jacket. He took his time pouring her a little before filling his glass with more. He took a sip and let the hard liquor burn as it went down his chest. He wanted to be numb.

"I usually stop by here after I've had a hard day at work."

He nodded. "This place is nice."

"Yeah," Peyton smiled. "So, what are you doing here, Nathan?"

He glanced up at her and swallowed the lump in his throat before smiling. He took another sip and savored the taste in his mouth for a second, happy for the burning that the drink caused him. She was still waiting for an answer and he held the glass firmly in his hands.

"I think…I think my marriage is over."

She reached over and took his hand in hers. "Nathan."

He shook his head. "I'm fine."

"What happened?" Peyton questioned sympathetically.

"Everything," Nathan breathed. "So many things. She hasn't been the same since the accident. It's like the day Nevaeh died, she died too. She just can't let go."

"Is it really that bad?"

"Worse. She's doing better for Jamie. But with us…she just, she can't stand the sight of me."

"I'm sure that's not true," Peyton objected.

"It is," Nathan disagreed. "She said that it hurts to look at me because Nevaeh looked like me. She can't let her go and she won't let me in. I mean, we're supposed to help each other get through this and she can't even talk to me about it."

"People deal with grief in different ways."

He glanced at her with a bitter smile. "She's not dealing with it at all."

"I can't imagine what she's…what you're _both _going through with losing a child," Peyton mumbled as she squeezed his hand.

"How long did it take you to get over it?"

She glanced at him confused. "What do you mean?"

"You know, Jake. How long did it take you to get over losing him?"

She closed her eyes in pain and he instantly felt bad for bringing it up. He didn't want to hurt her, didn't want her to have to think about it. He knew how hard it had been for her to lose Jake. He felt like the worlds biggest jerk.

"I'm sorry," Nathan whispered.

"It's ok," Peyton muttered. "Honestly, it took a long time, Nathan. There were days when I didn't feel like living. Over time it got better, easier you could say, but it was always with me in everything that I did. I always felt the loss of him, I still do. Some days were better than most. Eventually I got over it."

"So it got better?"

She nodded. "Time really does help. The pain never fully goes away. I had good days followed by days that weren't. All you can do is take it one day at a time. Now I can think about Jake and smile. I'm happy for our time together even if it was short. He'll always be with me but eventually I had to let the memory of him go and move on."

"I don't know if Haley will ever get over losing the baby," Nathan breathed. And he really didn't.

"I've never lost a child before so I don't know."

"It's the worst thing in the world. After the surgery when they handed her to me she was so…small. She fit in the palm of my hand. All I could do was stare at her lifeless body and know that there was nothing I could do to bring her back. It was the worst moment of my life. I'd give anything to bring her back. I wish I could trade places with her." He wiped his eyes before taking another drink.

She squeezed his hand.

"You and Haley will get pass this."

He shook his head. "She kissed someone."

"I don't believe that."

"She did. Luke saw her. I confronted her about it. She didn't deny it."

"Oh, Nathan," Peyton muttered sadly. "Well, what _did_ she say?"

"She said that he kissed her and that she didn't want him to or something like that."

"And do you believe her?"

"Yes," Nathan whispered. "Of course I do. I was just so angry and when she didn't deny it, I guess I just lost it. I didn't even let her explain. I didn't want to hear it. But I believe her."

He finished off the rest of his drink before pouring himself another glass.

"I told her that when I get back I'd file for separation…I didn't mean it. I was just so mad and hurt. She keeps calling. It's weird. I didn't think that she'd care with the way she's been acting towards me since the accident." He really didn't think that she'd object to the separation. She had been pushing him away and she said that she needed space.

"Of course she cares, Nathan. Haley loves you. You're Nathan and Haley." He noticed Peyton smiling at him but he couldn't bring himself to smile back.

"We haven't been Nathan and Haley for a long time," Nathan muttered.

"I'm so sorry, Nathan."

"Things are so bad between us. Before I left…I kind of…I pushed her."

Peyton looked at him in disbelief. "Nathan."

"I didn't mean it," Nathan said softly. "I was trying to leave and I couldn't stop picturing her with that stupid guy in my head. She tried to stop me and all I tried to do was get her to let go but…when I realized what happened, she was against the wall. It didn't mean to do it, Peyton. You have to believe me. I'd never hit her."

"Of course not."

"It gets worse," Nathan muttered ashamed. "Then I blamed her for it...like it was her fault that I was acting that way. I didn't mean to but it just came out all wrong."

Peyton shook her head at him.

"I'm a dick," Nathan stated before taking another sip.

"You are."

"I'll never do it again," Nathan swore. "I'll never put my hands on her like that again."

"Did you tell her where you were going?"

"Kind of."

"Kind of?"

"I told her I'd be in New York."

"You told her you were coming visit me?"

"I kind of lied and told her I had work up here," Nathan shrugged. "It's not like she really cares what I'm doing. She did say she needed space from me so this is me giving her space. Plus, I really haven't thought things through."

Peyton glanced at him apologetically. "I'm sorry that this is happening to you…to your family."

"Yeah, me, too. I need another drink."

She poured him another glass.

"So how's work?"

"Stressful. You?" Nathan questioned. He was tired of talking about himself.

"Great. I love it so much. I mean after everything that it took to get me here it's like a dream come true. Some days are hard but you know how I feel about music. This was my dream."

"I'm happy for you."

"I've got so many great artists that I'm working with. There's this one girl Mia. She's so amazing. I just love her. Oh and there's this band that I'm about to sign. The lead singer is a little difficult but what star isn't?"

"Right," Nathan chuckled.

"Work is just great."

"How about apart from work? What else you've got going on?"

She smiled. "You mean am I seeing anyone?"

"Yep."

"Well, there's this guy. His name is Shane. We've been dating for a little over three months now. He's in the music business, too."

"How's that working out?"

"It's great. I mean, I really like him. We get along so well and we share a passion for music. We're taking it slow right now."

"So what does he do in the music business?"

"He's kind of in a band," Peyton muttered sheepishly.

Nathan chuckled. "I always knew you had a thing for Rock Stars."

"Whatever, Scott," Peyton rolled her eyes.

"Let me guess, he's a bad boy, right?"

"I'm not going to answer that!"

"That's because I'm right," Nathan smirked. "I know you look a book, Sawyer."

She shook her head before glancing away. "You're such a jerk."

"So am I going to meet this bad boy?"

"No. He's on tour at the moment."

"Such a shame," Nathan muttered with a grin. "I have so many Peyton stories for him."

"That's why you're not going to meet him!"

"Oh, come on! I'm one of your best friends. You're going to have to introduce us sometime."

"I'm holding it off for as long as possible."

"We'll see about that," Nathan chuckled. "Thanks, Peyton."

She glanced at him confused. "For what?"

"Just for…making me feel better," Nathan smiled genuinely. Coming to New York to visit Peyton had been a good idea. He needed this.

It was also good to talk to Peyton. He had been feeling so guilty and ashamed ever since he left the house. He really hadn't meant to push her and he also hadn't meant to blame it on her. He regretted it right after the words slipped out of his mouth. He knew that he needed to apologize to her and tell her that he was fine but for some reason he couldn't seem to pick up the phone when she called. He knew he didn't deserve to make himself feel better at the moment. Not after the way he acted.

"Hey, Peyton."

"Girls," Peyton greeted. "This is my friend Nathan. Nathan, this is Alex and Beth."

He glanced up and noticed to skinny blonde girls grinning at him. He smiled nervously before glancing at Peyton once again.

"Hey." They both said at the same time.

He chuckled. "Uh, hey."

"You want do dance?" Alex questioned with a bright smile.

He held up his hand quickly. "I'm married. Sorry."

"That's ok. See you later, Peyton." They wave before walking away from them. He heard Peyton chuckling and he quickly glanced at her before shaking his head and smiling.

"What?"

"I've never seen someone so nervous when chicks flirt with him."

"If Haley had been here…" his smile faded.

"She would've been jealous and would've made damn sure those girls knew you were taken," Peyton finished for him.

"Even though she's not here…" he shrugged before looking at his drink.

"I know."

"It just isn't me. I'd never cheat on her. I love her too much. I don't want anyone else."

"Don't forget that I'd kick your ass if you did," Peyton declared.

Nathan finally smiled. "What am I going to do, Peyton?"

"I guess you need to figure out if you want to save your marriage or not. And since I know you pretty well, I guess I already know the answer."

* * *

"So what do you think?"

Haley glanced around the huge empty building before looking back at Brooke. She had gotten a call to get down here as soon as possible. She thought that something had been wrong but clearly that wasn't the case. She tried to block out Jamie and Jacob running around her in circles yelling at each other.

"I think it's a building," Haley muttered.

Brooke rolled her eyes. "Thank you, Mrs. State the Obvious!"

"What do you want me to say?"

"That you like it."

"Ok, I like it."

"Now, I don't believe you."

She laughed. "Brooke, come on. What's the big deal?"

"I bought the place."

"You did?"

Brooke nodded. "Yep. We start rebuilding it tomorrow."

"We?" Haley asked knowingly.

"By we, I mean highly educated people that do that kind of stuff."

"Right," Haley laughed.

"My new boutique will be up and running before you know it!"

"Brooke, that's great," Haley smiled. It was good to see Brooke this happy. It made a little of the pain she felt go away, but only a little. Everything inside of her hurt more than ever since Nathan had left to go to New York. She had tried calling him everyday but he never picked up. She quickly pushed thoughts of him out of her mind. It would only make her cry and she didn't want that at the moment.

"We're moving home," Brooke grinned excitedly.

She glanced at Brooke shocked. "What?"

"We're moving to Tree Hill," Brooke nodded. "Jacob loves it here so much and so do I."

"But what about your company?"

"I can run it from here. Of course I'll have to travel up to New York occasionally."

"This is so great! I can't believe that you're going to be living here again!"

"I know!"

"Did you hear that, Jamie?" Haley questioned as she caught his arm and lifted him in her arms. She kissed his cheek a few times as he giggled.

"Hear what, Momma?"

"Aunt Brooke and Jacob are moving to Tree Hill," Haley told him.

"Really?" Jamie grinned. "That's so awesome! Now, I can play with Jacob all the time!"

Haley placed him back on the ground as he started chasing Jacob once again. Both boys seemed so excited. She smiled brightly at them before turning to Brooke. Without a second thought she closed the distance between them and hugged Brooke tightly in her arms. This was such great news.

"Have you told him yet?" Haley wondered as she let Brooke go.

Brooke grimaced. "We kind of just decided to stay a few days ago."

"Tigger, you're going to have to tell him."

"I know. I just…I will," Brooke sighed. "I'm going to tell him."

"My mom and dad will be thrilled. They missed you. You know that they think of you as a daughter," Haley stated seconds later to cheer Brooke up. It worked. Brooke instantly started smiling again. Brooke had always been a part of their family. That would never change.

"I know. Momma and Papa James will be excited! Let me show you the back."

Brooke took hold of her hand before pulling her to the back of the building. She tried her best to keep up with Brooke. When Brooke got excited like this it was hard to keep up with her. She couldn't help but laugh when Brooke let go of the death grip she had on her.

"This will be my office and work space."

"It's nice."

"It's so big!"

"I can't believe that you're doing this. I'm so proud of you."

"Thanks, Hales. I'm proud of me, too."

She couldn't help but laugh. "You're something else."

"Enough crazy talk. You're helping me. You do know that, right? I'm going to need you," Brooke declared as they made their way back up front.

"Of course. It's not like I have much else to do." She couldn't help but shrug helplessly.

"Did he call yet?"

"No."

"He will," Brooke promised. "I know it."

"I don't think so, Tigger. You didn't see his face. It was like he had enough. The way he was looking at me…I don't think –"

"He just needs sometime," Brooke mumbled. "You did tell him that Chris kissed you and it didn't mean anything, right?"

"Of course," Haley sighed sadly. "He didn't believe me."

"He will. Just let him cool off."

"I just…" she could feel the tears threatening to spill but she held them back. Why did everything have to be so hard? Why did she ruin everything? Why couldn't things go back to normal? Why couldn't she stop pushing him away?

"It's all going to work out. I know it."

"I don't know what to do. I mean, do I go up to New York so that we can talk about this or –"

"I think you just need to let him have his space so that he can cool down. I know, Nathan. And he knows that you'd never kiss another man. He loves you. I'm sure when he gets home you'll work things out with him."

"What if I can't? What if he never forgives me? What then? I can't live without him, Brooke."

"He can't live without you, too. Trust me. You'll work things out. It just takes time."

"Daddy!"

Haley's heart started pounding in her chest. They both glanced towards the door. Haley noticed Julian standing there awkwardly with a dozen of red roses in his hands. She didn't know why she thought it would be Nathan showing up.

"Julian," Brooke muttered. "What are you…?"

"Hey, buddy," Julian smiled as Jacob jumped in his arms. "I missed you, little man."

"Momma, daddy's here," Jacob grinned.

Brooke couldn't find her voice. She smiled at her son before glancing at her best friend for help.

"It's good seeing you Julian," Haley finally spoke up.

Julian nodded. "You too, Haley. And who's this little guy?"

"It's me, Uncle Julian. James Lucas Scott!"

"You got big boy," Julian chuckled.

Jamie nodded before giving Julian a high five. Haley glanced over at Brooke and gave her shoulder a comforting squeeze before walking towards Jamie. She knew that Brooke and Julian had a lot of things to talk about.

"We should go," Haley announced. "We'll talk to you guys later."

* * *

"Dinner's almost ready," Karen smiled as she opened the back door.

Haley continued to watch the sun set. "Is Jamie ok?"

"He and Lily are playing in the toy room."

Karen took a seat next to her daughter. "How you doing, sweetheart?"

"I miss him."

"Of course you do," Karen smiled. "He misses you too."

"I don't know about that. I've been so horrible to him. I pushed him away and now he won't even answer my calls. Jamie misses him so much and it's my fault that he's gone. It's my fault that Jamie's hurting."

"Haley," Karen sighed.

"Can we please talk about something else? I don't want to cry again today."

"Ok," Karen nodded. "What did Brooke want with you earlier? She seemed really excited."

She smiled. "She's opening up a boutique and moving back here."

"That's great!"

"I know."

"I'm so happy. I miss her."

"Yeah, me, too. I'm glad she's moving back home. She belongs here."

"We'll have to celebrate."

"Yep. Julian showed up earlier."

"Really," Karen smiled. "Well, that's just wonderful. I know that she's been really down lately. I'm really glad he's in Tree Hill."

"Yeah, hopefully those two can work it out," Haley stated.

"I'm sure they will," Karen nodded. "This just goes to show you that no matter how broken something is it can _always_ be put back together." Her mother sent her a pointed look before leaving her alone with her thoughts.


	13. Chapter 13

_Chapter Thirteen –What Could Have Been_

"_Look who's finally here!" Brooke declared as she bounced into the room excitedly._

_Haley glanced up from her desk with a smile. "You're late."_

"_Relax, Tutor girl. We're right on schedule. What are you doing anyway? You do realize that school is over?"_

"_I'm just going over my speech again."_

"_You're such a nerd."_

_She chuckled softly as she glanced at her valedictorian speech. "Right. Remind me again how you passed Calculus?" _

"_I love you!"  
_

"_That's what I thought," Haley grinned before standing up and reaching for her cap and gown. _

"_Anyway, everyone is waiting for you downstairs," Brooke announced._

"_How do I look?" _

_Brooke took the time to check her out. "Smokin hot! Let's do this!" _

"_I can't believe we're graduating today," Haley muttered. It all seemed to pass by so fast. It felt like yesterday that they all walked through the halls of Tree Hill High for the first time. Now, it was all over and soon they'd be going off to college. She still couldn't wrap her head around it. Everything was changing so quickly._

"_I know!"_

_Brooke smiled happily before linking their arms together. Before she knew it, Brooke was pulling her downstairs. She heard people laughing and she couldn't help but smile. Her mother held her camera in her hands as she took pictures of Jake. Her father stood off to the side shaking his head._

"_There you are," Keith grinned. "You look beautiful."_

"_Thanks, Daddy." _

"_How about me, Papa James?" Brooke questioned before spinning in front of him so that he could get the full effect of her dress._

"_You, too," Keith chuckled. _

"_You all look so beautiful," Karen smiled happily through her tears._

"_Mom, don't cry," Haley stated with the shake of her head. She glanced at her father for help but all he did was shrug before folding his arms over his chest. Her mother had been emotional for the last few weeks._

"_I'm just so happy. Both you girls come stand next to Jake. I want to take pictures." _

"_Ok, but then we have to go. I don't –"_

"_Want to be late," Jake finished for her with a chuckle. "Yeah, we know."_

_She elbowed him in the side. "Shut up!" _

"_Get over here," Jake grinned before pulling her into him. He did the same with Brooke, his arms around both of them before they all smiled at the camera. Her mother snapped the picture. The next fifteen minutes were spent taking pictures with everyone. When they were finally done, she quickly got her things ready. She really didn't want to be late._

"_I can't believe we're graduating today," Brooke declared happily. "Whoever thought I'd finish high school?"_

"_Me for sure," Jake teased._

"_Shut up," Brooke giggled._

_Karen smiled proudly. "I can't believe it either. I'm so proud of all of you."_

"_Let's get going before she starts crying again," Keith muttered._

"_Good idea, Dad," Haley smiled. _

"_Are you nervous?" _

"_A little."_

"_Don't be," Keith smiled proudly. "You'll do great. You've worked really hard for this. Take it all in, sweetheart. This is your day. Enjoy it."_

"_I will," Haley nodded._

"_Right," Brooke chuckled. "I can't wait for the party tonight. I mean, it sucks that Damien is throwing it and thank God you broke up with him by the way, but it'll be so much fun! Everyone is going to be there. It's supposed to be like the party of the year!" _

"_You say that about every party," Jake laughed._

_Brooke rolled her eyes. "But I really mean it this time."_

_Jake rolled his eyes before glancing at Haley. She couldn't help but giggle softly before following them out of the house. She couldn't imagine doing this without them here today. They were her best friends. That would never change. They survived the last four years together and now it was time to let go of their adolescence and move on. She was terrified of what the future would bring but she was ready for it._

_

* * *

_

_Haley sat at her desk as she read over the book in her hands. She didn't know how long she had been studying for her exam tomorrow but she knew it was a while. She had been at it all day it felt like. She continued reading. She flipped the page before taking a few notes._

_She heard the door open before it slammed shut. She glanced over her shoulder and noticed Brooke tossing her books angrily on the bed before rushing towards her closet._

"_Bad day?" Haley questioned softly._

"_Like the worst," Brooke declared. "Eric dumped me!" _

"_What?" _

"_That's right," Brooke muttered angrily. "He dumped me! Can you believe that? I was totally going to end things with him and before I could he did! I'm so pissed off! Not to mention the fact that I'm late for Ryan's party. I don't have anything to wear and I need to find a guy before I go."_

"_Don't you have an exam tomorrow?" _

"_Yeah, so?" _

_She glanced at Brooke worriedly. "Brooke, shouldn't you be studying?" _

"_That's your thing," Brooke laughed softly. "Besides, I studied a little earlier. You know all work and no play makes me cranky. Plus, I so need to find another man. He's going to wish he never let me go."_

"_Fine," Haley muttered. "Have fun." _

"_Oh, we will. Now get dressed." _

"_I told you that I couldn't go. I have an exam in the morning," Haley explained once again. Brooke just didn't understand sometimes._

_Brooke rolled her eyes. "Yeah, I know you've been studying like crazy. We've been in college for over three years now and how many parties have you attended? I swear, Hales, you're missing the whole point of college. You're supposed to let loose and have fun. When was the last date you've been on?" _

"_I don't remember."_

"_That's exactly my point," Brooke sighed. "All you do is study and go to class. Live a little, Hales. Just come to the party. You might even have a little fun." _

"_I can't. Not tonight." _

"_Please," Brooke whined. "I need you with me. He's going to be there and I'll look pathetic if I show up alone!" _

"_No, you won't. Besides you just said that you were going to find another guy." _

_Brooke placed her hands on her hips. "You're going."_

"_I have to pass this exam."_

"_So, for once in your academic career you'll get a B!" _

"_I…"_

"_Come on," Brooke pouted. "I need you there. We won't stay long. I promise."_

_She dropped the pen in her hands before shaking her head. How many times had Brooke dragged her to parties over the years? She couldn't even remember. But she knew that Brooke wouldn't leave her alone for the rest of the night. She was going to this party whether she wanted to or not._

"_I'm not staying long," Haley mumbled as she stood up._

_Brooke clapped excitedly. "Thank you! We're going to have so much fun!"_

"_Right," Haley muttered as she started looking for something to wear._

"_Maybe Blake will be there."_

_She rolled her eyes. "Why should I care?" _

"_Because he's totally into you. I think you should go for it. You so need a boyfriend. I mean, it's really time for one. You haven't dated anyone since high school. You need to get laid!"_

"_Brooke!"_

"_What?" Brooke chuckled. "I'm just saying. You can't keep your V card forever!" _

"_I'm waiting until I'm married," Haley stated agitatedly. "I can't help it if I haven't found the one yet."_

"_You're still talking about the one, huh? I really hope he's out there because you're surely missing out on a lot, Hales. I mean, you never even try with guys…you've never been in love. How can you fall in love when you can't even take a chance on anyone?"_

"_When I find him, I'll know, and I won't have to try. It'll just happen like it's supposed to." She turned away from Brooke after that. She didn't know how many times she and Brooke had this conversation. She was so tired of hearing it. She couldn't help it if she hadn't found any interesting guys here at Stanford. It's not like she didn't try. She really did. It was just that none of them were what she was looking for._

_What was the point in starting something when you knew that it won't lead anywhere? She didn't see it. She just wished that Brooke would get it. Brooke was all about having fun and experiencing everything. She wished she could be that way._

_

* * *

_

"_Thank you!"_

"_Let's hear it for Haley James!"_

_The crowd cheered and she waved. After every show she always felt the same way. Happy. She loved her job, loved performing, lived for it. She loved all the traveling and all of the people that she met on the road. This was the life._

_She made her way off the stage. Someone handed her a bottle of water and she quickly downed it before tossing it in the nearest trashcan. She didn't stop walking until she was safely inside of her dressing room. She calmed herself down before taking a seat. She noticed the pictures of her parents and smiled. Next to it was a picture of her, Brooke, and Jake. She took those pictures to every show. They reminded her of what was important in her life._

_Since college things had been different. Jake was a music producer back in LA. Brooke was a huge fashion designer that traveled the world. Her parents still lived in Tree Hill and she made it home every few months to visit them. There was nothing like going home for a break from the crazy business she worked it. She loved her job but sometimes she just needed to get away from it all._

_She took her time getting dressed and getting her things ready. Once she was done she did a few interviews and signed a few autographs before she was escorted to the limo waiting for her. She could see the flashing lights as people took pictures of her and she smiled before the door was closed and the limo took off. She sighed in relief. Sometimes she just wished that she was a normal person._

_Leaning her head back, she closed her eyes. It wasn't long before someone opening the door woke her up. Her eyes snapped open and she smiled sheepishly at her bodyguard John._

"_Sorry."_

"_No need to explain, Miss. James. I'm sure you're tired," John grinned. "Let's get you inside."_

_She nodded before getting out of the limo. She was ushered inside quickly. Once she was in the elevator she pulled out her key for the penthouse before putting it in and then she waited. Once the elevator doors opened she walked inside of her apartment before dropping her purse by the door. _

_She made her way into the kitchen and instantly started looking for something to eat. She pulled out the Chinese food from the day before and started eating it._

"_And I thought Rock Stars were supposed to stay out all night partying."_

_She rolled her eyes as Brooke entered the kitchen. "What are you doing home?"_

"_Bad date," Brooke mumbled. "I swear the men in New York are just awful."_

"_At least the ones you end up dating," Haley grinned._

"_Thanks," Brooke stated sarcastically. "How was the show?"_

"_Good. Big crowd."_

"_Dumb-Dumb wanted to take me to see some heavy metal group tonight," Brooke giggled. She couldn't help but laugh along with Brooke. Didn't the guy at least know Brooke a little? No wonder Brooke was home so early. _

"_Wow," Haley grinned._

"_That's not the worse part."_

"_Do tell."_

"_He showed up at the restaurant wearing eyeliner," Brooke explained while shaking her head._

"_Really?"_

_Brooke nodded. "I mean he had on more than I did."_

"_Where did you meet this guy again?" _

"_A friend of a friend who isn't a friend of mine anymore," Brooke muttered before fixing herself a glass of water._

_Haley giggled. "So what are you doing?"_

"_Watching TV."_

"_Anyone called for me?"_

"_Jake," Brooke answered. _

"_I guess I should call him back."_

"_Actually, you might want to leave him alone for the night."_

"_Why's that?"_

_Brooke grimaced. "I might have kept him on the phone for three hours telling him about my horrible love life."_

"_That poor boy," Haley giggled softly._

"_What about me?"_

_Haley rolled her eyes. "You'll be fine."_

"_Right," Brooke sighed. "I'll just be alone for the rest of my life!"_

"_You're not alone. You have me," Haley called out as Brooke stormed off back to the living room. Haley giggled quietly to herself as she finished eating. Brooke always got this way when a date went bad. In the morning it would be like nothing happened. _

_She picked up her mess before making her way into the living room. She took a seat on the sofa before covering herself up. She glanced at Brooke._

_She loved her life. She did. But lately she had been thinking about all the choices she had made in her life. She wondered if this was really who she was meant to be._

"_Brooke?"_

"_Yeah."_

"_Do you think that this is who I'm meant to be?"_

"_What do you mean, Superstar?" _

"_This," Haley stated as she held up her hands and looked around the luxurious penthouse. She noticed Brooke looking at her confused and she shrugged her shoulders. "I mean, did you ever picture this is where I'd end up?"_

"_Yes," Brooke nodded. "You were born to do this. Where is this all coming from?"_

"_I just feel like…there should be more to my life besides my job. It's like there's something missing and I don't know what it is."_

"_Haley, you have everything."_

"_I never pictured my life like this, Tigger. I mean, I thought I'd be married by now. Maybe even with kids. I don't know. I might be going crazy. Forget I said anything. What are you watching?" _

_Brooke looked at her for a few seconds before looking away._

"_The news," Brooke replied as her eyes stayed glued to the TV._

"_Seriously," Haley couldn't help but laugh. Brooke never watched the news._

"_Yeah," Brooke sighed. "It's so sad. He was so young…our age."_

"_Who?"_

"_That hotshot lawyer. You know the guy. He's like the youngest lawyer to win all his cases. It says that he hasn't lost a case yet and he was going to be one of the best…"_

_She finally glanced at the screen. "What happened to him?" _

"_Car accident," Brooke stated. "God, he was just so young."_

_As Brooke talked they flashed another picture of the guy on the screen. Haley felt her heart pound hard in her chest at the sight of him and for some reason she felt sad. He was so handsome and Brooke was right, he was young._

"_What was his name?" Haley whispered. She was feeling something else but she didn't know what it was._

_Brooke glanced at her. "Nathan Scott."_

_She swallowed the lump in her throat and she could feel herself wanting to cry. She knew she shouldn't feel this way. She didn't know the guy, didn't know a thing about him. But looking at his picture she felt something pull inside of her and she felt the loss of him. The feeling was overwhelming and it took over everything inside of her. Nathan._

"_Nathan?"_

Her eyes shot open and she was breathing rapidly.

"Nathan!"

She shouted his name loudly in the darkened room. She was still trying to calm her breathing as she tried to remember where she was. That dream she had wasn't real. No, it was a nightmare. There was no way that it had been real. Nathan was real. He was her husband. They had been married for as long as she could remember. Nathan wasn't some stranger who died in a car accident. They had the most amazing life together, a son, a daughter…

"Nathan!"

Her panicked voice continued to shout his name as she made it out of the bed quickly and took off running out of the room. She didn't know what was real and what wasn't. It wasn't long before hands took hold of her arms and stopped her. It was Brooke.

"Nathan," Haley rushed out. "Where is he? What happened? Where is he, Brooke?"

"Haley, calm down," Brooke said confused. "You must have had a bad dream."

"Is everything ok?" Julian questioned from behind Brooke.

She glanced at both of them. Before she could ask where Nathan was a little voice spoke before her.

"Mommy?"

She noticed Jamie standing a few feet away and she quickly started crying at the sight of him. Brooke let go of her arm and she instantly made it in front of Jamie before dropping to her knees and pulling him into her. She hugged him as tight as she could. He was _real_ and that meant that Nathan was real. It had all been a dream.

"Don't ever leave me," Haley muttered.

"I won't, Momma," Jamie promised. They stayed like that for a long time before she let go of him. Jamie went back to play with Jacob and she stood up and faced Brooke.

"What happened?" Brooke questioned.

"I don't know," Haley muttered shaking her head. She couldn't explain it. It all felt so real, like that actually could have been her life. She shuttered. There were times lately when she wondered if Nathan would've been better off never meeting her. She knew for her that she couldn't live without him.

"You went to take a nap and the next thing I know you're screaming out for him…is everything ok?"

"No," Haley shook her head. "Everything's not ok…_I'm_ not ok. I have a really bad feeling in the pit of my stomach."

"It's going to be ok. Nathan's going to be back soon."

It all came rushing back to her so quickly. How much she needed him, how much she wanted him. Nothing could ever change that. He was like the air to her. She couldn't live without him. She had been so stupid to push him away. What had she been thinking? How could that have helped things? She didn't need space from him. They needed to be together. She couldn't bear a life without him. She had handled the accident and their loss all wrong. She had been suffering but that didn't mean she had to shut him out.

She knew that it was wrong. She hadn't deserved to feel better because of him. But maybe if she let him know how she was feeling, maybe if he could understand the way she felt, then maybe they could heal together. They needed to get through this together like they had always done. They were a family, at least they were.

She took Jamie home and got him ready for bed. She checked the phone but he still he hadn't called. After reading Jaime a story, she tucked him in. She brushed her fingers over his cheek and smiled at him. He looked so much like Nathan.

"I love you, sweetie," Haley smiled.

"Are you and dad going to leave each other like Aunt Brooke and Uncle Julian?"

She felt her heart drop in her chest. "Hey, come here." She made him face her as she searched for the right words. She hated how this was hurting him. She was supposed to shield him from all of this. This wasn't supposed to touch him at all. This was all her mess.

"Of course not," Haley explained carefully. "Your daddy and I love each other very much."

"But Aunt Brooke and Uncle Julian loved each other too and they stopped."

She took a deep breath. "Listen, what your daddy and I have is very special and I promise you that we're not going to stop loving each other. Don't forget that." She leaned in and kissed his forehead softly.

She didn't know where she and Nathan stood at the moment but she knew no matter what that they'd love each other forever.

"And Aunt Brooke and Uncle Julian still love each other."

"Like you and daddy?"

She nodded before smiling at him.

"Goodnight, baby." She left his room and went to her own before sitting on the side of the bed. She glanced at the wedding picture next to the lamp and smiled. Lifting it in her hands she brought it close before reaching for the phone. Trying to call him one more time wouldn't hurt. She dialed his number and waited. Her tears started spilling once his voicemail picked up.

"I love you," Haley whispered before hanging up. She moved herself to his side of the bed before glancing down at their wedding photo. She had to fix this. There was just no other way.

* * *

Haley kept her eyes glued to Jamie as they sat in the café. They had come to the café for dinner. She was so exhausted. She hadn't really slept the night before. She just couldn't get over the nightmare that she had the day before. It had just felt so real. It was all so horrible, imagining a life without him felt just wrong.

"How's your food?"

"Good," Jamie muttered. "Grandma makes them just right."

She smiled. "She does."

"Is Daddy ever coming home?" Jamie questioned.

She felt her heart drop. "Of course he is, sweetie. Daddy should be home tomorrow."

"I miss him."

"Me, too," Haley muttered. She missed him so much. She couldn't wait for him to get home so that they could talk about everything. She had tired calling him earlier but his phone was turned off. She hated how badly things were between them now and she knew that it was all her fault. She just wanted to talk to him and explain to him why she felt the way she did. Things were different now. She wanted to let him in.

"You know what we should do? We should cook daddy a nice dinner and surprise him."

"Cool," Jamie grinned. "Can we have balloons?"

"Anything you want," Haley smiled. This was perfect. It was just the way to show Nathan how much they both missed him.

"I can't wait for Daddy to get home!"

She smiled at Jamie. "We're going to have to go shopping for a few things."

She watched as Jamie nodded eagerly before focusing on his food. She smiled at him before glancing behind the counter. She noticed her mother hang up the phone before looking at her helplessly. She quickly stood up and walked towards her mom. She didn't like the look on her mother's face. It made her heart drop.

"What is it?"

"It's…Dan. He had a heart attack and they don't know if he's going to make it."

"Oh my god," Haley rushed out. "Nathan…" He was all she could think about.

"We have to get to the hospital. Deb said that both the boys were there. I have to call your father."

She glanced at her mom confused. "But…Nathan's in New York."

Karen shook her head as she placed the phone to her ear. "Deb said he was there, sweetheart. I guess he got back early."

"Oh." Nathan was back in Tree Hill and didn't tell her. She ignored the aching in her chest as she pulled out her cell phone. She needed to call Brooke to take Jamie for the night. She didn't want him knowing what was going on at the moment. Then she needed to get to the hospital as soon as she could to be there for Nathan. He needed to know that he wasn't alone.


	14. Chapter 14

_Chapter Fourteen –Learning To Breathe_

Haley sat in her car outside of the hospital. Her mother had gone in right away but for some reason she was finding it hard to get out of the car. It was hard being here. This is the place where she lost everything. She placed her hand over her stomach as she glanced at the emergency entrance.

She knew that she needed to get inside. Her family was in there and they needed her. _He_ needed her. With a shaky hand she opened the door and got out slowly. She didn't have time to think about herself at the moment. Nathan was inside and he needed her.

She moved slowly as she made her way towards the hospital. Her heart was pounding hard in her chest as she made it closer. She blocked out all her thoughts. She kept her hand on her stomach as she walked inside. Everything in her started burning but she ignored it. She walked until she noticed the waiting room. Inside she noticed everyone scattered around the room waiting. Her mother was holding a sobbing Deb. Lucas was sitting next to Lindsey and she had Lexie in her arms. Nathan was standing with one of the doctors as they talked.

She noticed a few of them look at her but she ignored them and went to Nathan's side before taking his hand in hers. She laced their fingers together. He glanced at her for a second with a somber look before looking back at the doctor.

"He's still in surgery right now. I'll let you know the second we're done."

"Will he… will he be ok?" Nathan choked out.

"We're doing everything we can for him," the doctor assured him. "I'll let you know more soon." He walked away and they both stood there for a few minutes before he released her hand roughly and stormed out of the waiting room. She watched him go helplessly before turning slowly. She noticed all eyes on her and she quickly took off after him.

Once she was in the hallway she glanced from side to side but Nathan was long gone. She started walking slowly down the hall. She placed her hand over her stomach as she made it to the elevators. Without even a second thought she hit the button for the third floor and waited. The doors opened and she walked out.

Once she noticed the nursery she stopped and glanced through the windows at all the babies. She felt slow tears leave her and she quickly swiped them away before she continued walking. She made it to the chapel before pushing open the door. Nathan was standing up front. She glanced around and noticed that they were all alone.

She took off walking towards him hesitantly. Once she was a few feet behind him she stopped and stood there nervously.

"What are you doing here?" Nathan muttered when he finally glanced at her.

She glanced at him confused. "What am I doing here? How can you ask me that? You know why I'm here. How long have you been back?"

"I got back this afternoon," Nathan shrugged.

"And you've just been hiding from me?"

Nathan shoved his hands in his pockets. "I needed to think about things but I was going to come over tonight. I missed Jamie. But then this happened."

"What things?"

"Just…stuff."

"You thinking about what happened before you left?"

"I'm thinking about everything, Haley. All of it."

"Even about filing for separation?"

Their eyes locked and she waited nervously for him to answer. She took in the sight of him in blue jeans and a long sleeved shirt. His hair was all in disarray with his bangs covering his forehead. He had bags under his eyes and he looked like he aged a few years older since she last seen him. He heart was pounding wildly in her chest at the sight of him.

Haley took a few more steps until she was right in front of him. Then she placed her hand over his heart. She could feel it pounding against his chest. Then his hands were covering hers as he glanced at her intensely. She felt the warmth of him instantly seep into her.

"You don't really want that do you?" She could hear her voice pleading with him.

When he didn't answer she took a deep breath. "I _can't_ picture my life without you…without your goodness…your heart." She rubbed her hand softly over his heart. For a second she thought she had him but then his face hardened and he dropped his hands to his sides.

"How's that punk that you kissed doing?"

"I don't know and I don't care. That kiss meant nothing, Nathan. Chris kissed me and I pushed him away before slapping him."

"A kiss always means something."

"No," Haley fired back. "It didn't mean anything!"

"It's obvious he only wants one thing from you, I mean if he hasn't already gotten it," Nathan spit out angrily.

Her hand dropped from his chest before she took a step back as if he literally hit her. She could feel tears stinging her eyes as she started shaking her head. She fought the urge to slap him. He couldn't have possibly meant that. He just couldn't have. There was no way. She must have heard wrong or something.

"Is that what you really think?" Haley whispered painfully.

It was minutes later when he answered.

"No," Nathan muttered. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I just can't stop thinking about it. I've tried…so hard. It just keeps on playing in my head and it's killing me, Haley, to think that his hands were on you…that he kissed you. You're _my_ wife."

"It meant nothing," Haley repeated. "You're the only man I want…I'll ever want."

"Yeah well forgive me if I don't believe that at the moment."

"It's the truth."

Nathan ran his hands through his hair. "Everything is just so messed up and my dad…he could die."

"He won't," Haley rushed out. "Everything's going to be ok, Nathan."

"How do you know that? I mean after everything that's happened to us…."

Honestly she didn't know if anything was going to be ok. All she knew was that she needed it to be. She didn't know what she'd do if Dan died. Nathan would be so heartbroken, even more than he was at the moment. She didn't want that for him, or for Jamie, or for any of her family. Dan had to be ok.

"I believe it. You're dad's going to be ok. He has to be."

"There's _nothing _I can do," Nathan said brokenly.

"About your dad or about…us?"

"Both," Nathan sighed angrily. "I don't know what to do. Just tell me and I'll do it. I'm so sorry that I hurt you…I didn't mean it…I…"

"Everything is going to be ok," Haley promised as she took a step closer. Their eyes locked once again. Need swirled in his eyes and she found herself leaning up and kissing him. When he kissed her back roughly she let him. His hands pulled at her hair trying to bring her closer as his mouth opened over hers. The pleasure out weighted the pain and she moaned helplessly into his mouth. She could feel how much he wanted her and needed her. It all felt so good.

She gripped his shirt tightly in her hand before pulling him in closer so that that their bodies were smashed together. When he started kissing her desperately she brought her hand to his neck holding his mouth to hers. She didn't want the kiss to ever end.

The sound of the door opening had them breaking apart quickly. She stood there panting before glancing at the door. An elderly lady smiled at the two of them as she walked inside. Haley smiled sheepishly. She was sure her cheeks were brightly red.

"Sorry," Nathan mumbled before rushing out of the small chapel and away from her. She stood there trying to calm herself.

* * *

"Hales."

She felt someone shaking her softly. Her eyes fluttered open to find Lucas leaning towards her. She blinked a few times before glancing around.

"How long was I out for?"

"A few hours," Lucas replied.

She glanced around once again and noticed that the waiting room was currently empty besides the two of them. Panic started to kick in but she pushed it aside.

"Where's Nathan?" Haley wondered.

Lucas stood up and placed his hands in his pockets. "He left."

"Oh." It shouldn't surprise her that he left her here but it did. She couldn't help but feel sad by the fact that he didn't even wake her to tell her that he was leaving and if he left then that meant…

"How's Dan?"

"Out of surgery," Lucas replied. "Doctor said it'll be a while before he wakes up and that we should all go home and get some rest. My mom is going to stay with him."

"That's good. Is he going to be ok?"

"I don't know."

She bit her bottom lip. "I guess I should call a cab or something."

"I'll take you home."

She nodded before standing up. Without a word she followed him out of the hospital. She got in his truck before checking her phone. She noticed a few missed calls from Brooke and nothing else. She glanced out the window as they left the parking lot.

"Lucas?"

"Yeah?"

"Can you please take me to the hotel that Nathan's staying at?" Haley asked hopefully. She really needed to see him and make sure that he was ok. She hated the way things were between the two of them. She knew that it was her fault and she wanted to fix things. She had to fix things. Her family was all she had left.

"Um, sure."

He didn't say anything else and she was glad. It gave her time to think about things. She wondered if Nathan would be angry with her for just showing up but she really didn't care if he was. He didn't need to be alone tonight. She didn't want him to be alone and she didn't want to be alone either. It had been a long time since she wanted his comfort. She didn't care if she didn't deserve it.

"You mad at me for telling Nathan about what I saw?"

She glanced at Lucas before shaking her head. "No, he's your brother."

"I'm not sorry that I told him," Lucas added. "He deserved to know."

"You're right." He did deserve to know. The only reason why she didn't want to tell him was because she didn't want him to hurt Chris. She knew her husband and knew how jealous he could get. Plus, she didn't want to hurt him more than she already had. But Lucas was right. Nathan needed to know what happened and she couldn't be mad at Lucas for telling him.

"It didn't mean anything," Haley clarified.

He didn't say anything.

"He totally caught me off guard," Haley added. "I didn't want him to…he thought that I was into him or something."

"That guys a punk," Lucas gritted out.

She nodded. "I wish you would've stayed around to see me slap him."

That got his attention because he finally glanced at her and smiled. "You slapped him?"

"Yep," Haley smiled. She heard him laughing and she couldn't help but join him. "He had no right to kiss me."

"You're damn right. He better hope I don't run into him anytime soon."

"Luke," Haley warned. "I already slapped him for what he did."

"Good."

"You're smiling!" Haley stated shocked.

"Can't say he didn't have it coming," Lucas shrugged.

She glanced away and looked out the window.

"If you were my wife I would've hunted that guy down and kick his ass," Lucas pointed out. "You're lucky my brother is a better man than me. Some guy kisses my wife you bet your ass I'm going to kick his."

She hated fighting. It was stupid and uncalled for. Leave it up to a guy to think a girl wanted him to fight over her. She was sure that some girls enjoyed guys fighting over them but she wasn't one of them. It was so childish. Nathan knew how she felt about it to. It wasn't the first time over the years that he had wanted to hurt guys that were into her.

She felt the truck stop in front of the hotel.

"We're here," Lucas announced.

"Thanks again," Haley muttered.

"You want me to wait just in case…"

"He throws me out on my ass?"

He nodded sympathetically. "Something like that."

"I think I'll take my chances," Haley smiled softly. "He can't ignore me forever, right?"

"You hurt him pretty badly, Hales."

"I know that. I didn't mean for things to be like this."

"Then why did you push him away?" Lucas wondered.

She placed her hand over her stomach and shook her head. "It was easier than dealing with things. I couldn't accept what happened and I knew with him by my side I would and I wasn't ready for that…for any of it. I've always depended on him for everything and just this once I felt like I didn't deserve him."

"You should tell him that," Lucas spoke softly.

"I will."

"I miss you, Haley. I'm glad you're getting better."

"I miss you, too," Haley grinned at him. She missed Lucas' friendship so much.

She nodded before getting out of the truck. "I'll see you tomorrow." She watched him pull away before she turned slowly and walked towards the hotel. She made her way inside and went to wait for the elevator. It was so late she wondered if he was even up. She took her time gathering her thoughts. She didn't know where to start or what to really say even. She didn't even know if he'd give her a chance to say anything.

This was just all so hard.

Before she knew it she was standing in front of the presidential suite.

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes.

"You can do this," she whispered to herself. Instinctively her hand went down to her stomach. She stood there for minutes before curling her hand up and knocking on the door softly three times. She then took a step back and stood there.

The door opened and he glanced at her confused.

"What are you doing here?"

Her heart started to pound in her chest at the sight of him. He looked completely exhausted. She bit her bottom lip as she continued to glance at him.

He didn't know what she was doing here and the sight of her surprised him. He hadn't expected to see her again tonight, not after everything. He needed to be alone, he needed _his_ space. After everything this was just too much. He didn't know how to deal with it.

"Can I come in?"

He sighed heavily before pushing the door fully open and walking inside. What was she doing here? Hadn't he said everything he had to say earlier?

She followed him in before closing the door. He continued walking until he made it into the bedroom. He didn't care if she followed him or not.

"I told Lucas to take you home," Nathan muttered in annoyance.

She crossed her arms over her chest. "Don't be mad at Luke. I begged him to take me to you."

"Why?" He turned to face her with a hard face. "What for?"

He didn't understand. She made it perfectly clear that she didn't want him anymore. Her actions had made that _more_ than clear. What was she doing here now? He didn't get it.

"I think we should talk. I'm ready to talk." She quickly corrected. It was seconds later when he was shaking his head and laughing bitterly.

"Now _you're_ ready to talk? So because _you're_ ready then…"

She sighed painfully. "I didn't mean it like that."

"Whatever," Nathan muttered as he started walking towards the bathroom. "I have nothing to say to you. I think I pretty much said everything I had to say. I need to think about things and if you stay then I'll probably say stuff I'm going to regret later so…You should go. I've got to take a shower and I don't want you here when I get out." He slammed the door shut and her eyes snapped shut.

She stood there for minutes debating about what she should do. She knew that she should leave. It was what he wanted. But she couldn't bring herself to leave the room. Instead she took a few more steps inside and glanced at his suitcase on the bed. Reaching down she lifted one of his shirts and brought it to her nose and took in his scent. Her eyes snapped shut at the smell of him as she held his shirt to her. God, she missed his smell.

She folded the shirt slowly placing it back down.

It was only then that she noticed the photo album under all of his clothes. It was already open to the photo of their wedding day. She smiled at the sight of it. Everything about that day had been perfect, the beach, him, all of it. It had been one of the best days of her life. They promised each other always and forever. It's why she wasn't leaving now. She couldn't.

It wasn't long before she heard the water stop running. It only seemed to make her heart pound harder in her chest. Reaching in his suitcase, she pulled out a pair of boxers. It was seconds later that she heard the bathroom door open.

She took in the sight of him in nothing but a towel, his hair still wet, his chest glistening.

"You're still here."

She felt her mouth start to water. It had been so long since she wanted him in _that_ way. Desire rushed through her like never before and she had to hold herself back. She knew that right now he didn't want her. In fact, he hated her. She felt her stomach recoil in pain at the thought. She was his wife. Things shouldn't be like this between them. She couldn't bring herself to look away from his perfect chiseled abs.

He felt his body reacting to her heated gaze and he silently cursed himself. A part of him was happy that she still seemed to want him. But as quickly as the feeling came it was gone as he remembered everything that happened between them in the last few weeks.

Without a word she held out his boxers to him. He took them a second later.

She glanced away as he placed them on. It was minutes later that he was walking out of the bedroom without a word. She sighed once again before following him. She found him pouring himself a glass of scotch. She stood there watching him.

"You want a drink?" Nathan questioned as he glanced over his shoulder at her.

She nodded before biting her bottom lip. "Sure."

He poured her a glass before walking it over to her. She took it from him hesitantly. Did she want to drink? No. That's the last thing that she wanted but she didn't want to upset him either. Once the glass was in her hands he held up his.

"What should we toast to?"

She swallowed the lump in her throat at his bitter tone.

"The separation?" Nathan wondered. "The new boyfriend?"

"Stop it," Haley whispered painfully. "Just stop."

"You moving on?" Nathan continued bitterly.

She glared at him angrily. "You're being a real jerk."

"Yeah, well, you're a bitch," Nathan fired back before bringing the glass to his mouth and drinking everything in it. It burned his chest but he didn't care. He wanted to feel numb. Anything was better than the constant heart wrenching pain he had been feeling.

It took her a second to compose herself. In all the years that she had known him he had never talked to her this way before. It took her by surprise. He was just so angry and hurt. She understood why he felt that way but that didn't make it easier.

"Why are you acting like this?" Haley muttered as she placed the glass down. "I know that I hurt you and I'm sorry. I'm really trying here. I want to fix things…us."

"Well you can't!"

He turned to walk away. "Please, don't walk away from me."

"It beats running away," Nathan muttered before crossing the room. She watched as he reached the table before lifting something up. Then before she knew it he was walking back towards her with a folded up newspaper in his hands. He stopped a few feet in front of her before holding it out.

She took it hesitantly before glancing at it confused. She felt the glass of scotch leave her hand and she glanced at him just in time to see him drinking all the scotch in her glass. She bit her bottom lip as he then reached for the bottle of scotch.

"What's this?"

He glared at her. "Open it."

She watched as he brought the bottle to his mouth not even bothering with the glass this time. She felt her heart aching in her chest at the sight of him. This wasn't Nathan and it hurt seeing him like this. It was even worse that she was to blame for him being this way. She did this to him. She destroyed him. It only made her hate herself more.

She opened the newspaper slowly. She noticed the huge red circle and took a closer look. It was then that she noticed that it was two bedroom apartment that was located in the next town over. She continued reading before glancing at him quickly.

"Why are you showing me this?"

He held up the bottle of scotch towards her. "It's my new place."

"What?"

"My new apartment," Nathan clarified. "You kicked me out remember?"

"I didn't kick you out," Haley sighed. "I just needed –"

"Space," Nathan finished. "Well, now you can have all the space you need." He glanced away from her.

She shook her head before tossing the stupid newspaper down. She couldn't believe this. Everything was just falling apart and no matter what she did she couldn't fix things. Nathan was being stubborn and wouldn't talk to her. How was she supposed to make things better if he wouldn't let her? She ran her fingers through her hair in frustration as she realized that this is how he must have felt when he tried to fix things with her.

"Will you please just talk to me?" Haley whispered.

She watched as he lowered his head before shaking it slowly.

"I don't know what to say to you, Haley. Part of me just wants to hurt you like you hurt me."

"I am hurting, Nathan," Haley stated honestly.

"You mean because I kissed Chris? Because I turned my back on us, oh wait, that was you," Nathan gritted out angrily before turning away from her. He placed the bottle of Scotch down.

"I'm sorry," Haley whispered. "I wish I can take it all back, Nathan. I really wish that. I wish that things could be different. I wish that I could be different. I wish that I could make things better…"

"Well, you can't. That's the part that you have to live with."

She felt her heart aching in her chest as he walked away from her. She knew that she shouldn't be surprised at the way he was acting. He was hurting and dealing with things in his own way and it was her fault. She knew that. Still it hurt knowing that she couldn't make him feel better, that she couldn't stop his pain.

She wasn't worried about herself. She deserved to feel this way. She deserved all of it, not him. She pushed away her tears before slowly walking towards the bedroom. She found him sitting at the edge of the bed. She stopped in the doorway.

The sight of him only seemed to break her heart more. What had she done to him? How had she let things get this bad? How had she been so selfish? So many questions plagued her mind as she gazed at him in tears.

He could feel her eyes on him but he couldn't bring himself to look at her. It hurt too much having her this close yet so far away. He was so angry and hurt that he couldn't control himself. It had never been like this for him. Never. He never wanted to hurt her but after everything he couldn't seem to stop. He didn't know how. It seemed natural to hurt her the way she had been hurting him.

Her hands started trembling at her sides. She took a deep breath before placing her hands over her stomach. She glanced down for a second trying to get herself together before glancing back at him.

"After we first got married, I used to stay up at night and I'd think about our future. It would always be the same. After you would fall asleep I'd just lay cuddled up next to you and I'd watch you sleep. You'd always look so peaceful…so happy and I'd try to picture what our kids would be like…if they'd look like me or you…who they'd take after.

"I always hoped that they'd look like you and take after you because I loved you so much and I wanted more of you and I knew that they would be perfect. Just like you. And when we had Jamie I was so happy. So happy. We finally had the son that I always dreamed about and he was just like you, Nathan. And he looked just like you and he was so perfect. We were so happy back then. Remember?"

Of course he remembered. He remembered everything. He swallowed the lump in his throat as he kept himself in check. He couldn't lose it now. If he gave in she'd just hurt him again. He stayed completely still as he continued to listen. This is what he wanted the most at the moment. He wanted her to talk to him and tell him how she felt.

"We were happy," Haley repeated passionately. "We were and everything was perfect. But still…I wanted more. I wanted another baby." Her voice cracked as she quickly brought her hand to cover her mouth.

"You remember when I told you I wanted another baby?"

Yeah he remembered. He had been late getting home again. All the lights in the house had been out and Jamie had already been sleeping. He was sure that Haley had been sleeping too but once slipped into bed with her he knew that wasn't the case. Without a word she had cuddled her body into his before she started kissing him. Then before he knew what was happening they had been making love and that's when she had told him that she wanted another baby. He could still see the memory so clear in his mind like it was yesterday.

"I _wanted _her," Haley stressed painfully. She felt her stomach ache in pain once again.

"I know." It was the only words that seemed to leave him.

"I'm so sorry for the way that I handled things…for pushing you away. I was wrong, Nathan. So wrong. I didn't want to let her go. I still don't. I don't know how. I wanted her so much and I…" she pushed away a few tears as more came. "It just feels like someone ripped out my heart and I won't ever get it back. It feels like this pain won't ever leave me and I feel so empty.

"There are days when I don't want to wake up at all and I wish that I wasn't here. It's not fair that I get to be here and she can't. She _should _be here."

He finally glanced at her. It took everything in him to stay seated on the bed and not to rush to her.

"Do you understand what I'm saying, Nathan? I didn't want to live…not without her. That's how messed up I was…still am. I'm really trying to move pass it all. I'm trying to deal with things. I know she isn't coming back. I _know _that. I know that and it hurts. It hurts so much that it's unbearable. I try and pretend to be ok for Jamie and everyone else but I'm not.

"I can't seem to let her go…to be at peace with what happened. I know that I need to move on and get over it but I…" her voice cracked once again.

He could feel his heart breaking with each word she spoke. "I didn't know all of this. I didn't know you felt that way. You never told me."

She brought her hand to her head as she started crying harder.

"I keep picturing that moment when they finally let us see her. She was so small…so perfect in my arms. I never wanted to let her go."

He remembered that day all too well. Haley really hadn't wanted to let her go and she had been furious with him when he took Nevaeh away from her. She had been so furious in fact that the doctor had to give her another sedative to put her back to sleep. The whole thing had been traumatizing.

"I'm afraid that I'll forget her…that I'll forget about her. What if I wake up one morning and can't remember what she looked like? Or what if I can't remember any of it and it'll be like she never even existed? I'm terrified that it'll all fade away and I don't want it to. I don't want to forget her, Nathan. I loved her so much."

Nathan fought to blink back tears.

"I'm so sorry…for everything. I was being stubborn and selfish. Pushing you away was my way of avoiding what happened. I didn't know how to let you in. I didn't want to face things. I didn't want to accept that she was gone and I was still here."

"Haley."

"I know that I hurt you and I'm sorry, Nathan. I'm so sorry. Especially with the Chris thing."

He clenched his fists at his sides. "I don't want to hear about him!"

"It was nothing. He is nothing," Haley corrected. "It meant nothing, Nathan, and I'm sorry that it happened in the first place. He shouldn't have kissed me and –"

"Just shut up," Nathan hissed.

"I don't want him," Haley added. "I could never want him."

She felt the need to reassure him. She didn't want him thinking that she had feelings for another man. She knew her husband and knew what he had been thinking. It killed her to know that something so meaningless was getting to him like this. It honestly had meant nothing to her and he needed to know that.

His body was shaking with rage and all he wanted to do was hunt down this Chris guy and hurt him. He could easily picture himself continually hitting Chris in the face. He knew that if he got the chance he wouldn't be able to stop himself. He wanted to hurt the guy. No matter how hard he tried he couldn't stop picturing the two of them together in his head. It didn't matter what Haley said. The image was already there and it hadn't left him since he found out about what happened. It had been haunting him for the last two weeks and it didn't seem to want to leave him. He hated it. It made rage rush through his veins.

"You're the only man I've ever wanted…I'll _ever_ want."

He could feel his rage building as he pictured the two of them together in his head…his _wife _with another man. She was _his_. No one else's. He had been the only man to ever touch her. The thought of someone else touching her was more than he could take. A flash of her and Chris in bed together flashed in his mind and wouldn't seem to leave. He could see the two of them so clearly in his mind.

"I love you so much, Nathan," Haley whispered. "I don't want to give up on us…on our marriage. I'll do whatever it takes."

He could picture their naked bodies under the sheets. He felt his blood start to boil at the thought. He didn't know why he was doing this to himself. The images just wouldn't seem to leave him no matter how much he wanted them to. This was like his own personal hell. The thought of them together was making him lose his mind.

When he didn't say anything she crossed her arms over her chest protectively. His body was still shaking with rage as she gazed at him. He wasn't looking back though. Maybe this had been a really bad idea. She had tried. It was just too late.

"I understand if you don't love me anymore."

He knew that it was stupid. He knew his wife. Haley would never betray him like that. And he really believed her about the kiss. He did. Still it didn't stop him from picturing it in his head. It didn't stop it from hurting any less. It didn't stop the pain and the anger he felt towards the whole situation. But he knew her and he knew that she would never cheat on him. He _knew_ that. He screwed his eyes shut and pushed all the bad images out. He then took a deep breath before opening his eyes. He stood up instantly when he noticed that she wasn't standing in the doorway anymore.

He walked into the living room just in time to see her heading for the door. He took off after her barely getting there in time as she opened the door. He reached in front of her and pushed the door closed as he stood behind her.

"Where are you going?" Nathan breathed.

She didn't move as she glanced at the ground. "I thought you wanted me to go. I don't want to upset you, Nathan."

He placed his hands on her waist and pulled her back against his chest. His head fell on her shoulder and he instantly took in the smell of her hair. He missed the smell of her. It took him a second to get himself together as she relaxed in his arms.

"No, Haley. I love you and I'm not giving up on our marriage. I know I've been a real jerk and I'm sorry. Please. Don't go."


	15. Chapter 15

_Chapter Fifteen –No One Heals Me Like You_

"Where are you going?" Nathan breathed.

She didn't move as she glanced at the ground. "I thought you wanted me to go. I don't want to upset you, Nathan."

Nathan placed his hands on her waist and pulled her back against his chest. His head fell on her shoulder and he instantly took in the smell of her hair. He missed the smell of her. It took him a second to get himself together as she relaxed in his arms.

"No, Haley. I love you and I'm not giving up on our marriage. I know I've been a real jerk and I'm sorry. Please. Don't go."

They stayed like that for minutes before she slowly turned in his arms. She gazed at him for a second before he leaned in. She felt her heart pounding in her chest as her eyes snapped shut. All of a sudden she felt nervous. She didn't know why. They had been married for as long as she could remember. This was nothing new.

His lips pressed against hers a second later.

Haley felt the warmth of him instantly. She felt it shatter the icy exterior around her. She could feel it melting everything in her until there was nothing but warmth left. It had been so long since she felt this good…_alive._ She moved her lips against his hesitantly as his hands moved to her cheeks holding her face to his. This kiss was slow, gentle. She could feel the fire burning in her. She moved her mouth faster over his as her hands came to rest on his bare chest.

Haley felt her back hit the door a second later as her mouth opened for him. When his tongue brushed against hers she moaned. This all felt so good. She had forgotten just how amazing her husband had made her feel. She pushed on his chest slowly. She didn't want it to end but she knew that they still had some things to talk about.

"What?" Nathan breathed. He felt lightheaded. Why did she stop him? He didn't understand.

"I just –"

He was breathing hard. "I thought you wanted me?"

"I do," Haley replied quickly as her hands ran up his bare chest. "I just feel like we should talk about things."

"I'm tired of talking. I want you." He brought his hand down to her arm slowly before resting his fingers against her skin. He glanced at her arm for a second before looking back up at her face. He moved his fingers softly over her arm and he watched as her eyes snapped shut and she trembled.

"Nathan."

"Is this ok? Can I touch?" Nathan asked huskily. "Do you _want _me touching you?"

Haley's eyes fluttered open. "Yes."

Nathan continued trailing his fingers against her arm. Her skin was so soft and warm. It was taking everything in him to hold himself back. He wanted her so badly. He wouldn't be able to control himself much longer. He needed to feel her, to be close to her, and to feel how much she loved him. He needed to feel connected to her in every possible way. She had pushed him away so many times before and he wanted to know why. He had a feeling he knew but he still had to ask.

"Why couldn't I touch you before?" Nathan wondered. He moved his face closer to hers and brushed his nose slowly along her jaw.

"Because," Haley whispered hesitantly.

"You can tell me anything, Haley."

Haley swallowed the lump in her throat. "I didn't want to feel anything, Nathan. And you make me feel everything. You make everything better. You make me feel _alive_. I didn't deserve to feel that way…I still don't." Giving into what she wanted would be selfish but at this point she didn't care. She wasn't going to lose him. She couldn't.

Nathan pulled his face away and glanced at her confused. "Why would you say that?"

_How could he not know_, she wondered. How could he not agree after what she'd done? She could feel her tears falling uncontrollably at his gaze. Why was he making her say it?

"It was my fault," Haley whimpered as her eyes snapped shut. "All of it was my fault."

"What?"

"I know you blame me too," Haley continued. "The accident…all of it. I lost her and because of me she's gone…"

Nathan glanced at her confused. "How can you say that? How can you _think _that?"

"It's the truth," Haley shrugged brokenly. "If I had just taken better care of my body, if I hadn't of insisted on going out that night, if –"

"Stop it," Nathan ordered as he took hold of her shoulders and forced her to look at him. She was shaking as his hands tried to steady her. Her eyes continued to spill over with tears and he felt his heart constrict in his chest. How could she think that it was her fault? This whole time he thought that she blamed him not the other way around. How had he not realized…

"I'm so sorry, Nathan. I lost our baby and I'll never forgive myself as long as I live."

"Stop it," Nathan repeated louder. "It's _not_ your fault. Don't you dare blame yourself, you hear me? It wasn't your fault, Haley. It was an accident." He pulled her into him and hugged her tight in his arms. He felt her body trembling against his as she sobbed uncontrollably against his chest.

Nathan couldn't believe that she felt this way. He held her while she cried, his hands moving up and down her back soothingly. He didn't know how long they stayed like that. She finally stopped crying a while later but he didn't let her go. He couldn't.

"I thought you blamed me," Nathan revealed sadly. "I did."

Haley pulled away from him and shook her head. "Never…I could never blame you."

"I thought it was why you didn't want to be around me…why you didn't want me touching you," Nathan confessed.

"I never blamed you," Haley whispered. "I didn't want you to make me feel anything, Nathan. It's why I kept my distance. I don't deserve your comfort. I don't deserve to feel better."

"_Yes_ you do. It's not your fault, Hales. Stop blaming yourself. You heard what the doctor said. These things happen and there was nothing we could do. Even before the car hit us she was…" He couldn't even finish.

"I know."

Haley started crying again. She couldn't help it. She felt him lift her in his arms before he started walking. He kept her in his arms as he took a seat on the sofa. Her head fell on his shoulder as she continued crying. He held her as tight as he could as they sat there together. This all felt so surreal and he prayed that he wasn't dreaming. It had been so long since he and Haley had talked like this and he wanted it to be real. He wanted to be comforting her.

"I wish more than anything that I could trade places with her," Nathan stated honestly. "I wish that I could bring her back for you." She cried harder in his arms and his eyes snapped shut as he listened. He knew in his heart that he meant what he said. If there was any possible way he'd trade places with their baby in a second.

This is how it should've been in the beginning, them grieving together.

Nathan wanted to help her and he needed her help as well. He needed her to put him back together. He needed her to fix his world. She was the only one that could. She cried on his shoulder for a long time, hours maybe, he wasn't sure. He cried as well. He couldn't help it. He was tired. The emotional toll of the day was finally catching up to him. He was completely spent both emotionally and physically. It had all just been too much.

Nathan didn't even know if his father was awake yet. He was sure that his mother would call as soon as anything happened. He kissed Haley's forehead softly before closing his eyes.

"You asleep?" Nathan questioned.

"No." Her voice was raspy from all the crying and she continued to breathe uneven. Lifting her head up slowly she kissed his cheek before rubbing her nose against his jaw.

"What are you feeling?"

Haley kissed his cheek once again before pushing herself up and standing slowly. She stood there for a few seconds before walking a few feet away from him. She thought about his question as she glanced around the hotel room. She could feel the anger rush through her like it was nothing. Her emotions had been changing so quickly lately. One minute she'd be feeling happy and then the next she wanted to hurt someone. She didn't know what was wrong with her.

"Hales?"

Haley breathed in sharply. "I'm just feeling so…angry."

Nathan stood up and walked up to her. He pulled on her arm softly until she faced him. He glanced at her as he waited for her to continue. He could see all the pain she held in her eyes.

"I'm just so angry! I don't understand why?"

Nathan glanced at her sadly. "Hales."

"I just…" she glanced up at him as she continued to breathe deeply. Her body was shaking with rage and she held her hands to her sides. She could feel so many different emotions pulling around inside of her. All of them moved quickly. She was so confused, so angry, so hurt. She could also feel a little bit of relief that she had finally opened up to Nathan. It felt like this weight had been lifted off of her shoulders.

She could see the concern shining in his eyes and it made her heart pound. Even after everything he was still worried about her. She could see the love in his eyes as he gazed at her.

"Hales?"

Nathan's voice made something inside of her snap. Instantly she felt the need for him take over. Desire swept through her as she continued to gaze at him and she tried to calm her breathing. She didn't know how to control it or even if she wanted to. It had been so long. She felt something shift in the air between them. With one look she knew that Nathan understood what she was feeling, what she _needed_, what they _both_ needed, _wanted_. She watched as his eyes darkened.

"I just…" she licked her lips as her eyes landed on his.

"What, baby?" Nathan breathed as he moved in front of her. Her hands made it to his bare chest as she moved in closer to him. His hands moved to her waist as he began walking them backwards. Her eyes stayed glued to his as she watched all the emotions that swirled in his blue eyes. Sadness. Understanding. Want. Desire. Love. Compassion. Anger. Pain. Need.

Haley was feeling all those things too but need was winning out over everything at the moment. Her back hit the wall seconds later.

"I want you," Haley whispered breathlessly. "Just make it all go away. I don't want to feel it anymore. Make it better, Nathan. I _need_ you to make it better." She needed him to numb the pain that had overtaken her since the accident.

That's all Nathan needed to hear. He felt the same way. Nathan crashed his lips on hers and kissed her hungrily. God, he missed this. He felt her hands on his arms holding him to her and he smiled against her lips. She felt so good against him, so perfect. They fit together so perfectly. He had forgotten how incredible she made him feel. They were just kissing and his whole body was buzzing in pleasure. He felt his heart ready to explode out of his chest as burning heat swept over him.

As they continued kissing his hands roamed over the soft skin of her thighs. He felt her body trembling and he moved his hands between her thighs. She moaned against his lips as she pushed down his boxers. He bunched up her skirt before lifting her up in his arms and pushing her against the wall once again. When she moaned into his mouth he nearly lost it. His hands made quick work of pushing her panties to the side and thrusting himself into her. He couldn't wait any longer. They both cried out in pleasure.

"You're _my_ wife," Nathan murmured.

"Yes, I'm yours," Haley whimpered.

Haley felt him thrusting into her frantically as she held onto him. This is exactly what she needed and wanted from him. He was making her feel so good like he always had. She felt him bury his head on her shoulder and she instantly started kissing and sucking on his ear.

"I love you so much," Haley whispered.

"Haley," Nathan moaned. He knew that he wouldn't last much longer. It had been so long since they had made love and he knew that it wouldn't be much longer for her either. He knew his wife, knew everything about her. She was breathing erotically into his ear and it was driving him crazy. It wasn't long before he felt her body trembling against his, and his name falling from her lips. He let go with her, the mind numbing pleasure taking over everything in him.

Haley was completely breathless by the time he stilled his movements. Her hands moved over his back as she tried to calm her breathing. He was holding onto her tightly and she was glad. Her eyes snapped shut as her head fell on his shoulder. It was minutes later when she felt her back leave the wall.

Nathan took off walking with her in his arms. Once they were in the bedroom he placed her on the bed before climbing on top of her. After not having her for so long, he wasn't nearly finished with her yet. He only seemed to crave her more.

Haley felt those hungry eyes of his boring into hers. More heat flooded her body at his intense gaze. Then before she knew it he was kissing her again. Her whole body was ablaze as his hands continued to roam over her skin. She felt his hands rubbing soft circles over the skin of her stomach. He pulled away and she sat up. She lifted the shirt she was wearing off of her body before tossing it to the floor.

"I have something," Haley muttered as she quickly pulled the necklace off around her neck and took off her wedding ring. "Put it back on me."

"It's been on your necklace this whole time?" Nathan wondered.

Haley nodded with a soft smile. "I only took it off my finger because I felt like I didn't deserve to wear it, Nathan. But I couldn't really take it off. Not really. I'll always be your wife." He slipped her ring on her slowly. Once it was in its rightful place he felt his heart pounding.

Nathan kissed her softly before pulling away and gazing at her. Her hand reached out and caressed his cheek and his eyes snapped shut for a second.

Nathan smiled before his hands were behind her a second later unhooking her bra. He laid her back down once he tossed it aside.

Nathan's eyes were glued to her breasts before leaning in and taking one in his mouth. He heard her breathing increase once again and he brought his hand up to knead her other breast. He took his time with one and then the other as she moaned in pleasure. He pulled away and gazed at her once again. His wife had the most amazing body.

"You're so perfect," Nathan murmured huskily.

Haley bit down on her bottom lip as she gazed at his perfect chest. "You are."

Leaning down, he let his nose slowly graze over her abdomen. He placed a few kisses. He felt her hands in his hair a second later. She tugged on it as he continued kissing her skin.

"Nathan," Haley breathed.

It was only then that he felt the scar. He pulled away and gazed down at the line on her lower stomach. His fingers traced over the scarred skin before he glanced up at her. He noticed her eyes starting to water and he felt his heart constrict in his chest. All he wanted to do was make all her pain go away.

"Do you want to stop?" Nathan asked softly. He'd never make her do anything that she didn't want to do.

She took a deep breath. "No."

He smiled in relief before leaning in and capturing her lips in a heated kiss. Their lips moved together and his eyes rolled to the back of his head as she began to grind her body into his. He pulled away from her lips and started working on her shoulder. He nibbled and sucked his away from her shoulder to her neck. He felt her hands in his hair a second later as she held him to her.

"I'm so sorry for everything."

He couldn't take his lips off of her warm skin.

"I missed you so much," Haley whimpered. He pulled away and gazed at her once again.

This time he entered her slowly. He watched her face as he started moving slowly inside of her. Their eyes locked and he knew that this time it would be slow and gentle. He'd take his time making love to her like he had so many times before. He felt their connection burning everything inside of him. He had missed it so much. When they made love like this, watching each other, it somehow made it so much more. It was the best feeling in the world.

"You were made just for me, Haley."

"Nathan."

Nathan could feel the pleasure taking over everything in him once again. He buried his head in her neck once again as he continued thrusting into her. Her hands ran through his hair and his eyes rolled back. He didn't ever want to be apart from her again.

"Don't ever stop, Nathan," Haley whispered in his ear.

Nathan felt himself moving a little faster at her words. Their sweaty bodies moved together perfectly.

"You're the best part of me, Nathan. You always will be," Haley whimpered. That did it for both of them. Everything that had been building exploded. The mind numbing pleasure swept through Haley as her eyes snapped shut. She held onto him as they road out the waves of pleasure. He was breathing frantically into her neck as he stilled his movements. Her hands roamed over the warm skin of his back as she felt her eyes getting heavy. He didn't move off of her and she didn't want him to. She was totally content with him still in her. She kissed his shoulder softly before drifting off to sleep.

* * *

Nathan's whole body was still buzzing with pleasure as he awoke from his peaceful sleep. The days events came rushing back to him as he glanced at the digital clock in front of him. His eyes snapped shut when he realized that it was four in the morning. When he didn't feel Haley next to him he reached out for her. His hand moved over the cold sheets and nothing else.

Nathan felt his heart drop. Had he really dreamt the whole thing? It had felt so real. Once he realized that he was completely naked he lifted his head up. Had she freaked out and left him all alone? Did she regret what happened last night?

"Haley?"

Nathan held his breath for what felt like forever.

"Down here," Haley called out. He sat up and noticed her sitting on the floor at the edge of the bed. He sighed in relief before getting out of the bed and walking to her. He took a seat next to her and noticed that she was flipping through the photo album that he had taken with him. He glanced at her and noticed that she didn't look so good.

"You ok?"

She nodded. "I couldn't sleep."

"Oh."

"I just…"

He watched as pain flashed across her face and he felt his heart aching in his chest. He knew that it would take some time for them. He knew that he needed to be there for her. She had opened up so much to him last night and he was grateful. He hoped that she wouldn't hide herself from him again. He wouldn't survive it if she did.

"You can tell me anything," Nathan encouraged once again. Without a second thought he picked her up and placed her on his lap. He wanted to be as close to her as possible. She held the photo album tightly in her hands as her head fell on his shoulder.

"I keep having these dreams about her," Haley whispered.

"So do I, Haley. I dream about her all of the time."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I dream about what she would've been like…what our life would've been like if she hadn't…"

"Me too."

Nathan glanced down and noticed that she was looking at a picture of herself pregnant. Her stomach was huge and she had a big smile on her face. He was standing next to her with his hand over her stomach. They both were so happy. They had just found out that they were having a little girl. He held her tighter against him wishing that he could take all the pain away. He felt her tears hit his shoulder and chest a second later. His eyes snapped shut as he held her tighter.

"Why was she taken from us?"

Nathan felt a lump form in his throat as her low voice cracked. He pushed the lump in his throat down as he turned and kissed her forehead softly. He felt his heart breaking in his chest all over again. There was nothing that he could say that would be the right answer.

"I don't know," Nathan whispered.

"It isn't fair!"

"I know."

"She'll never know," Haley cried softly. "She'll never know how much we loved her and how much we wanted her."

Nathan felt her body begin to tremble against his as she continued to cry once again. Her words seemed to pierce something deep inside of him. The aching in his chest only seemed to intensify. He couldn't help but agree with her silently as he started crying along with her. It wasn't fair.

* * *

Haley's eyes fluttered open as she yawned. She turned her body to the side as she took in her surroundings. She realized that she was still in Nathan's hotel room. Last night came rushing back to her and she remembered crying herself to sleep in his arms. She closed her eyes as she buried her head in the pillows. It had been such an emotional night. She had cried herself out. But Nathan had been there with her and she was happy about that.

She stayed like that for minutes before turning to face Nathan. Her eyes scanned his side of the bed and noticed it empty. She sat up quickly before glancing around. There was no sight of him.

"Nathan?"

No answer. She pulled the sheet with her as she stood up out of the bed. She held it to her body as she started walking out of the room. After minutes of searching she realized that she was all alone. She walked back to the bedroom hesitantly with a million different scenarios playing over in her head as to why he left her all alone. She didn't like any of them.

Haley sat herself on the side of the bed. She had opened up to him last night, they had made love, and now he was gone? She felt…she didn't know what she felt. Her hands were shaking as she reached for the phone. She dialed the number slowly as she glanced around the room once again. Where was he?

"Brooke."

"The one and only," Brooke greeted. "What can I do you for, Tutor Girl? Is Dan ok?"

"I'm not sure at the moment. Is Jamie ok?"

"Still sound asleep. They stayed up pretty late playing with Julian. Oh and Nathan called last night for Jamie. They talked for a long time. Jamie seemed happy."

"Can you –"

Haley was cut off by someone making noise. She glanced at the door and watched as Nathan walked through the bedroom door seconds later. She sighed in relief at the sight of him. He hadn't just left her here alone.

"Never mind. Tell Jamie I'll be by to get him soon and tell him that we love him. I'll call you later."

"Sure thing."

She hung up the phone and smiled at her husband.

"What was that all about?" Nathan questioned.

"I thought…"

"That I just left you here?" Nathan guessed when he noticed the look on her face.

She shrugged. "I didn't know what to think."

"I went to get you some clean clothes," he held out the bag in his hands, "and I got you breakfast. How's Jamie? I miss him."

"He's fine. He's still asleep."

"I can't wait to see him," Nathan muttered.

Haley smiled at him as he made it across the room and took a seat next to her on the bed. She took in the sight of him in jeans and stripped button up shirt. He looked so good. His hand reached out and pushed a few strains of hair behind her ear before he caressed her cheek.

"I missed you so much. More than words could say," Nathan whispered.

She couldn't help but reach out for him. Her hands landed on his shirt as she popped open the first button. All she knew was that she wanted him desperately. She bit her bottom lip before moving to the second button. It was then that she felt his hand take hold of hers and stop her. She glanced at him confused.

"I should really get to the hospital," Nathan spoke up.

"Right," Haley nodded. She glanced down. Maybe he was still mad at her. Maybe he didn't want her.

He noticed the look in her eyes. Reaching out, his hand landed under her chin as he lifted her face up slowly until their eyes locked.

"Hey, it isn't like that."

She nodded. "I understand."

"It isn't," Nathan insisted. "I love you and I want you, Haley. I just really need to get to the hospital. My dad still isn't awake yet. My mom is freaking out. I need to be there. I'd love nothing more than spending the rest of the day in bed with you but my mom needs me right now."

"Yeah, I know."

"I don't want her to be alone and I don't know if Lucas is there yet."

Nathan went to stand up and she quickly reached for his hand. He sat back down and turned to face her as he waited. She felt her heart pick up speed at his intense gaze. She tried to remember what she wanted to say. It was hard to focus with him looking at her like that.

"Where do we go from here, Nathan?"

He shrugged. "I don't really know."

"I know we still have a lot to deal with. I'm willing to do whatever it takes."

Haley watched as he nodded his head. She knew that one night wasn't going to fix them no matter how amazing it was. They still had so many things to discuss and deal with, that wasn't just going to go away. When he didn't say anything right away she searched his eyes and noticed the apprehension in them. That look terrified her.

"Nathan?"

"You really hurt me, you know."

"I know," Haley whispered painfully. "I'm sorry. I wish that I could take it all back."

"And I know that I hurt you, too. I'm so sorry for everything, Haley. It's like I wasn't myself sometimes. I didn't mean to push you the night I left. I keep thinking about it and I'm so sorry that I did that. I still can't believe it. I swear to you that I'll never do it again. I didn't mean it and I'll never forgive myself."

"We both made mistakes," Haley agreed.

"I know and it's just going to take some time," Nathan muttered. "We'll take things slow just incase you change your mind about…us."

"I won't," Haley insisted. "I love you and I want us to be together. We belong together. You know that."

He nodded. "That may be but we still need to take things slow. We have Jamie to think about."

He was right. Of course he was right. They didn't need to confuse Jamie more than they already had. But she wasn't going to suddenly change her mind and go back to like she was before. She knew that Nathan was just being cautious and she couldn't blame him for that. He was protecting himself from her. At that thought she felt her heart aching in her chest. It was her fault that he felt the need to protect himself in the first place.

Haley prayed that they'd be ok but what if they weren't?

"We're going to get through this, right?" Her eyes were pleading with his. She needed him to tell her that everything was going to be alright. She didn't know what she'd do if she lost him. She had lost so much already.

"Of course we will," Nathan stated before leaning in and kissing her softly. "I love you, Haley. You're my whole world. You and Jamie, you know that. I know we're not the couple we used to be but will get there, I know it. Always and Forever."

"Always and forever," Haley repeated through her tears. "Can I come with you to the hospital? I want to be with you."

"I was hoping you'd say that," Nathan smiled.

"Should we tell Jamie about your dad?"

"I don't know," Nathan muttered. "He's so little. I think we should at least wait until my dad wakes up. We don't need to worry him. He's been through so much lately and…"

"I know."

"You think that maybe later we could pick him up and do something together as a family?"

Haley wiped her tears away and smiled. "I'd love that."


	16. Chapter 16

_Chapter Sixteen –Someday _

"I'm so happy it's pretty out today."

"It is."

"I was worried this morning. It looked like rain was heading this way."

"Yeah, I know."

"It would've ruined the whole party," Lindsey muttered with the shake of her head.

Haley smiled as she watched her sister-in-law make hamburger patties. She had been here all morning helping out Lindsey and Lucas get everything ready for Lexie's first birthday. It had been kind of awkward at first when she arrived. She hadn't talked to Lindsey in a long time and she was worried that things would be weird. But it wasn't. They eased back into things right away.

Haley was glad. She didn't want things to be weird with anyone in her family.

It was nice to do normal things again. It felt good.

It had been two whole weeks since that night she opened up to Nathan. Things had gotten so much better but things weren't what they used to be. She knew they'd never be exactly the same. Things had just been going _slow_ for them since that night. She didn't know what she expected. She knew that she had hurt Nathan by pushing him away and that pain just wasn't going to go away.

They had spent all their time together with Jamie. Once they put Jamie to bed then they'd stay up talking about things. Then after Nathan would leave and go back to his hotel room. She didn't know why he insisted on staying in a hotel when he could easily come home and be with her and Jamie. He said it was because he wanted to make sure that she was ready to really be with him again. She had told him more times than she could count that she wanted him home. Still he stayed at the hotel every night.

It was really like he wasn't ready to come home.

But more than that, he barely touched her.

A few kisses here and there. Nothing in front of Jamie. He'd hold her hand some nights when they'd watch a movie but other than that he kept his distance.

Haley didn't know if more was going on. She didn't want to over think things.

Maybe Nathan really wanted to make sure that things were really back to normal between them before he moved back in. Maybe that's all it was and she was worrying for nothing.

Haley tried to block out the thoughts that had been consuming her for the last week. She focused her attention on frosting the cupcakes in front of her with pink frosting. Mostly Jamie's friends and a few family members were invited. Dan had been recovering from his heart attack and was doing really well so she was sure that he'd be here. She was glad. He'd be at the party later. Lindsey had said she wanted to make sure that the kids had a good time so Lucas had rented a moon bounce. Jamie had been excited about it.

After she frosted all the cupcakes, she sprinkled them making them all colorful.

"How's that?" Haley questioned as she held up a cupcake towards Lindsey.

Lindsey grinned. "Perfect."

"I've made enough of these for Jamie's parties over the years," Haley muttered as she placed the cupcake back on the tray. She opened her mouth to continue but Lucas rushed into the kitchen with Lexie in his arms.

"I forgot the ice cream," Lucas stated as he reached for his car keys. "I'll just run to the store again. I think I forgot ice, too."

"Is that all?" Lindsey wondered with a smile.

"And hamburger and hotdog buns," Lucas added with a sheepish grin.

"I knew I should've gone shopping for all the stuff," Lindsey teased.

"I've got it," Lucas chuckled as he held out Lexie to her. The little baby giggled before holding out her arms.

"Luke, my hands are full of meat," Lindsey stated as she held them up.

Lucas shook his head before walking around the counter and holding out Lexie to Haley. Before Haley could say anything, Lucas shoved Lexie into her hands and turned towards his wife.

"I'll be back in a few."

Haley held out Lexie in her hands while the little girl kicked her legs excitedly. Then Lexie tried turning her head to see just who was holding her. For some reason the aching in Haley's chest returned as she held her godchild for the first time since the accident. She stayed holding Lexie away from her body as she froze.

Lindsey's voice broke her thoughts.

"Let me just clean my hands and then I'll take her."

She finally broke free of the darkness that wanted to consume her. It was stupid. This was her godchild. She turned Lexie before bringing her close and kissing the little girl softly on her nose. Lexie giggled loudly before touching her face.

"No, it's ok," Haley muttered. "I've got her."

"You sure?"

"Yep," Haley smiled as she glanced at Lindsey. She noticed the apprehension on Lindsey's face but she went back to looking at Lexie. She could hold Lexie. She loved her. It was ok. She wouldn't let her painful memories take this from her. She could hold another baby. It wouldn't be the end of the world.

Haley hadn't realized it but she and Lexie had gone off into their own little world. They giggled and had fun as Lexie touched Haley's face and then her hair. Then Lexie talked a little saying the few words that she knew.

When she heard Lindsey laughing from across the kitchen she walked that way with Lexie in her arms.

"She's getting so big," Haley stated softly as she took in the sight of the baby girl in her arms. Last time she had seen Lexie she had been so small compared to now.

"She eats _a lot_," Lindsey laughed.

Haley smiled. "I'll bet. Jamie was that way. Every time it was time for him to eat it was like we hadn't fed him in days." They both started laughing and Lexie joined in because they were doing it. It only made them laugh harder.

"You ever think…never mind," Lindsey dismissed with the wave of her hand.

"What?"

"Uh, nothing really. I was just wondering if you wanted more…kids. I'm sorry, I didn't mean…"

"Oh," Haley muttered. She tried to act unaffected by the question but it didn't really work. A question like that shouldn't hurt everything in her and make her heart ache but somehow it did. She took the time thinking about the question and answered honestly.

She didn't want to keep everything bottled up anymore.

"Someday," Haley whispered. "I don't think I want that now. I mean, it would just feel like we were trying to replace…her. I can't do that."

"Of course not," Lindsey smiled softly.

"But sometime in the future," Haley mumbled. "I'd like a few more."

"Yeah, me too. Don't tell Luke though. He'd freak. He thinks Lexie is all he can handle at the moment. He says she wears him out." They both laughed.

"He'll want more," Haley quickly assured her. "I know it."

"I'd glad you're doing better, Hales. We all really missed you."

Haley felt her heart tighten in her chest and smile formed on her lips. "I really missed everyone, too." And she really meant that.

* * *

The party had started thirty minutes ago. Haley sat in one of the chairs placed in the backyard as she watched a few of the kids running around with silly string. The backyard was decorated with _Whinnie the Pooh_ stuff. Everything was nice.

Jamie, Jacob_,_ and Andre were in the moon bounce and she smiled as she watched them.

When her glass of punch was empty she made her way over to the table pilled with cake, food, and drinks. She fixed herself another glass of punch before glancing out at all her family and friends having a good time.

Once she saw Nathan walking into the backyard she smiled instantly. It was easy to tell that he had been working hard all day. His tie was loose around his neck and his sleeves were rolled up to his elbows. As Nathan made a beeline for her, she felt her heart pounding out of her chest.

"Hey, you're late, Mister," Haley teased.

"Sorry, my new case is kicking my ass."

Haley didn't say anything as he bent down and pecked her lips softly. When she wanted more she didn't wait for him. She knew that this one kiss was all he intended to give. Her hand moved behind his neck as he pulled away and she pushed his face back to hers. She kissed him hard not caring who noticed them. Her mouth moved over his flawlessly and she felt herself aching for more of him. She didn't know why he was holding back. She didn't understand it. After being apart for so long all she wanted was to be as close as she could get to him.

They pulled away minutes later for air. Nathan gazed at her a little surprised before he glanced around. Haley did the same and was thankful that no one was paying attention to them.

"Are my parents here yet?" Nathan wondered.

Haley glanced around once again and found Deb and Dan talking with Lucas and Peyton. She pointed towards his parents and waited for him to walk away from her. He didn't.

"Your dad looks like he's doing better."

"Yeah," Nathan nodded with a smile. "He should be back to work in no time."

"That's great. I'm glad."

"My mom's been making him take it really slow. She won't leave his side," Nathan chuckled. "I'm pretty sure she's driving my dad crazy."

Haley laughed softly. "I'll bet."

"Did you guys just get here?"

"No, we came early to help Luke and Lindsey set up. Jamie was eager to get in the moon bounce before anyone else. You should've seen him and Luke earlier."

"Is he in the moon bounce now?"

"Yeah, he's with Jacob, Lily, and Andre in there."

Nathan chuckled when he finally noticed Jamie yelling happily in the moon bounce.

"Look who's here," Haley muttered when she saw Clay, Sarah, and Madison walking into the backyard. They placed their present on the table with the rest of the gifts before they noticed them. Once they started walking towards them Haley moved herself closer to Nathan.

It had been so long since she talked to Clay and Sarah. Even though they lived next door after the accident she hadn't seen them at all besides the hospital. When Nathan placed his arm around her to bring her closer, she smiled. She leaned into him.

"Hey, guys," Clay grinned. "Hot day, huh?"

They both nodded because it was. Haley was glad when Nathan started talking first.

"Yeah, it's gonna be another hot one tomorrow."

"Haley, I love that dress."

Haley smiled. "Thanks. I like yours." She knew that Clay and Sarah were trying to make things as normal as possible for her. She was glad. She didn't want things to be awkward and weird around some of her closest friends.

"Is Jamie here?" Madison asked eagerly.

"In the moon bounce," Haley smiled as she pointed to the back of the yard.

"Can I go play with him?"

"Sure, sweetie," Clay chuckled. Madison took off running and they all laughed.

"Be careful in that thing," Sarah called out.

"Where's the birthday girl?"

"Oh, I'm sure my brother and Lindsey are showing her around."

They all glanced around and started laughing when they noticed Lucas holding Lexie in his arms as they talked to a table full of people. They started talking small talk once again as Clay and Sarah talked about work. It wasn't long before she noticed Brooke and Julian walking towards them hand in hand. She smiled.

Brooke and Julian had made up when Julian finally proposed to her. He had set up this whole romantic evening on a fake movie set he had built for the night. He even had fake snow falling when he finally bent down on one knee and asked Brooke to marry him. Brooke had called Haley right away to tell her the whole romantic story and they talked for hours about it. Haley had never seen Brooke so happy in her life.

"Hey," Julian greeted once they walked up.

"Clay, Sarah, you guys remember Brooke?"

"Yeah," Sarah smiled.

"And this is her fiancé Julian."

"He's in the movie business," Nathan spoke up as he slapped Julian on the shoulder.

"Nice meeting you."

"Have we seen any of your work?"

"I'm sure. His movies are _awesome_," Brooke declared.

Everyone started laughing.

"You guys are like a _Power Couple_," Clay chuckled.

"_So_ true," Brooke agreed. "I love it!"

Haley glanced at the moon bounce once again to check on Jamie as Clay and Julian talked movies. When she noticed a huge smile on Jamie's face she smiled and waved at him. He waved back before sliding out of the moon bounce and running in their direction. It didn't surprise her that he jumped in Nathan's arms.

"Daddy!"

"Hey, buddy. You having fun?"

Jamie nodded. "All my friends are here. It's the best ever."

"Is Madison and Lily in there with you?"

"Yep," Jamie grinned. "We're playing tag. I tried to tell Jacob that Madison was fast but he didn't believe me because she's a girl. Can you come play basketball with us later?"

"I'd love that."

"I wanna go play again."

Nathan placed Jamie back on the ground before he took off running back to the moon bounce. She laughed softly as she watched him go.

"Well, I'm gonna put some more food out on the table," Haley stated before walking away. Lindsey and Lucas were busy talking to people and she wanted to help them out. Once she was inside the kitchen she filled one of the trays with more cupcakes and the other with more hamburger and hotdog buns. Her parents were working the grill and she wanted to go and talk to them again.

Just as she finished the last tray she jumped in surprise as a pair of hands landed on her waist.

"Just me," Nathan muttered with a chuckle. "Need some help?"

"Just finished," Haley smiled as she turned to face him. They were so close and she felt heat swim in her belly. She couldn't help but notice that they were alone in the house. Everyone was busy outside. And there was the fact that she missed him like crazy.

"Oh, well then I can carry them out for you."

"Or," Haley whispered as she reached out and ran her hands up his chest. She could feel his muscles under his shirt and she bit her bottom lip. Her husband had an amazing body. The best.

"Or?"

"You know, we could go upstairs. I'm sure that no one would notice us missing." Her hand pulled on his tie until he was leaning towards her.

"It's a big party," Nathan agreed before brushing his lips against hers. Nathan's hands pulled her in closer to him and she melted against his body. It was amazing how perfectly their bodies fit together.

All Haley wanted him to do was carry her upstairs. She wanted him badly. But the sound of the back door opening had them breaking apart. She glanced to the side and noticed her mother smiling at them. Nathan took a step away from her and Haley placed a hand over her mouth.

"Could you bring out more hamburger patties? Your dad's almost finished with the ones on the grill."

"I'll bring them right out," Haley muttered as she turned towards the refrigerator.

"I'll put these outside." Nathan left the kitchen with both trays in his hands.

She followed him out before bringing the meat to her father. She talked to her parents for a little while before making her way around the party and talking a little to everyone. It had been so long since she had seen some of them. She was happy that no one brought up the accident. Most people just asked how she was doing and she was good with that.

Haley made her way back to Nathan's side as he talked to his brother.

"She'll wake up soon and then we'll do the cake. I know the kids are ready for it."

"I can't believe she fell asleep in the middle of her party," Nathan chuckled.

"Hey, it's a big day for her," Lindsey spoke up.

"She was really excited," Lucas pointed out.

"Can we play basketball now, daddy?"

"Sure. You guys in?" Nathan questioned as he turned to Clay and Lucas. Both men agreed before walking towards the basketball goal where the kids were waiting.

"Have fun," Haley smiled as Jamie took off running.

Nathan emptied his pockets before handing his wallet and phone to Haley.

"Can you put that in your purse?"

"Of course," Haley smiled. Nathan kissed her softly before smiling at her. Then she watched as Nathan took off walking towards the boys. She placed his stuff on the table as she took a seat. The game started and the kids looked like they were having a blast.

"Having fun?" Brooke questioned.

"Yeah, a lot."

"Good. By the way, your parents are making out."

Haley glanced in their direction and sure enough they were kissing. "Gross."

"Just thought I'd tell you," Brooke grinned.

"Thanks."

"You're welcome!"

"I can't believe they're making out in front of everyone."

"Believe it," Brooke muttered. "This party could use a little fun."

"Brooke," Haley laughed.

"What?" Brooke chuckled. "It's the truth. This party sucks. The birthday girl went to sleep _because_ this party sucks!"

"You're so mean."

"Just a joke, Tutor Girl."

"You're still mean."

Brooke shrugged. "What are you gonna do? I'm not about to change."

"And I wouldn't want you to."

"Oh, I forgot to ask, did you see the _size _of this rock?" Brooke held out her hand to flash her princess cut diamond ring.

"Yes, for the hundredth time _this_ week," Haley laughed.

"I can't help it," Brooke grinned. "I'm in love with this ring. I'd marry this ring if I could."

"I'll bet you would."

Brooke glanced at her ring. "Are you hungry?"

"You talking to me or your ring?"

"You, duh."

"A little." She rubbed her stomach.

"Want me to fix us something? Julian is boring Lindsey and Sarah with his upcoming movie. They seem to love it. Some chicks." Brooke shook her head.

Haley laughed. "I can fix us something."

"I got it. I want to show your parents my ring again."

Before Haley could protest, Brooke took off towards the food. Haley went back to watching the guys play basketball. The kids were running around the court like crazy trying to chase after the ball with the guys following them. She smiled as she watched them.

No matter how great the day was going or how much fun she was having, she couldn't take her mind off the distance between her and Nathan. They should've been getting closer but for some reason Nathan didn't seem to want that at the moment. She didn't want distance between them. Not anymore. She needed him close and she wanted him home.

It was all she could think about as she watched them play. Nathan's phone vibrating on the table broke her thoughts. She lifted it up quickly and flipped open the phone to answer for him but it was only a text message. It was then that she noticed the two missed text messages.

Glancing up quickly she made sure Nathan wasn't watching before she glanced at his call log. No weird numbers. Home, her cell, his mother, his brother, and his office number. Why would his office by calling him so much? She didn't even know why she was looking through his phone.

Her heart was pounding out of her chest. Who would be texting him when everyone they knew was here? She knew it was wrong to be digging in his phone and she wanted to place it back on the table but for some reason she couldn't. She hit the button to read his text massages before she lost her nerve. Once the first one opened she wished more than anything that she had never looked in the first place. This was something that she just never wanted to see. She felt her heart drop as a cold feeling washed over her.

_Come back to the office. I want to kiss you again. _


	17. Chapter 17

_Chapter Seventeen –What Are You Willing To Lose_

Haley had felt sick to her stomach ever since she read Nathan's text messages yesterday. The rest of Lexie's birthday party had been a blur. She hadn't been able to look at Nathan and she had come up with some lame excuse to leave the party early. She hadn't been able to think about anything but what that text message meant. It's like the words were bright and flashy in her head, all day and all night long. It was driving her insane.

She hadn't slept at all last night. Her mind was in overdrive. And all she could think about was her husband kissing his _assistant_.

Carrie.

Nathan and Carrie.

Together.

Haley shuddered once again. Nathan was _hers_. She was _his._ This didn't make any sense.

Haley's stomach was in knots. She just couldn't believe that this was real. Why would Nathan kiss Carrie? Had Nathan kissed her because he thought that she had been the one to kiss Chris? Was it before Chris kissed her? Or was it after? Did he do it just to get even? Had the two of them kissed more than once as the text message implied? Had they done more? How long had this been going on?

Haley placed her hands over her face and took a deep breath. She was really driving herself insane with all this thinking about Nathan and Carrie but she couldn't _not_ think about it. Even now all she could think about was Nathan and Carrie at work together and what they were doing. _Ugh!_

Haley hadn't even been able to go into work today.

"Would you _stop_ pacing? You're driving me insane!"

Haley stopped pacing for a second and noticed Brooke and Julian staring at her intently. They were both sitting at the kitchen table with their robes on and coffee mugs in their hands. After a few seconds she went back to pacing back and forth. She couldn't help it.

"So, let me get this straight," Julian spoke up. "Nathan's been kissing his assistant?"

"Yes. No. I don't know," Haley sighed, irritated.

"But the text message said that she wanted to kiss him _again_?"

"Yes," Haley nodded miserably. "_Again._ How many times you think they've kissed?"

"Don't think about that," Brooke stated calmly. "You'll drive yourself crazy."

"I can't help it. He kissed someone else!"

"I told you that chick was up to something."

"Yeah, I know and I stupidly –"

"Hey, now. We don't know if he really kissed her," Julian spoke up.

"You're right," Haley stated as she stopped pacing. "This could be some kind of sick joke. I mean this is Nathan. He wouldn't…"

"He wouldn't what?" Brooke cut her off quickly. "I mean, I love Nathan and I'd like to think that he wouldn't do that to you but you guys _just _made up. For months you guys barely spoke and you pushed him away, Hales. I mean he could've wanted comfort from someone else. I mean he thought you didn't want him anymore. I hope that isn't true but I don't want you to think…"

"You're right," Haley muttered. "I pushed him away."

"But that doesn't give him the right to kiss someone else," Brooke stated.

"I kissed someone else."

"Chris kissed you and it's not the same. You didn't want that kiss and you pushed him away."

"Maybe, she kissed him," Julian pointed out.

"Maybe," Haley nodded weakly. "Maybe not. Things were bad between us for so long and I hurt him so much. Maybe this is why he doesn't want to come back home. Maybe he has feelings for her." She felt like she could throw up again. Why did she have to look through his phone?

Tears blurred her vision and once Brooke hugged her tight she felt her eyes close. Slow tears rolled down her cheeks and when she felt another pair of arms around her, she laughed softly. Julian.

"We're a packaged deal," Brooke laughed softly. "And we're here for you no matter what happens."

"I know that."

"Are you going to go talk to him about this?"

Haley knew that's exactly what she had to do as soon as possible. It was driving her insane not knowing. She needed to know the truth no matter how much it hurt her. She just had to know.

"Yeah."

"Remember what we talked about earlier?"

She nodded weakly as Brooke and Julian let go of her.

"Yes."

"What are you not going to do?"

"Go to his office and accuse him."

"And what else?"

"No yelling or hitting."

"Good. Now tell me what you're gonna do?"

"Listen to everything he has to say."

"And?"

"Stay calm and trust my instincts."

"Correct again," Brooke smiled. "Just listen to him, Haley."

"I can do that," Haley nodded. "Maybe this is all wrong."

"Maybe."

"Is Jamie…?"

"He's gonna be fine. Once they wake up we'll do something fun."

"I was thinking we'd go to _Bucko's Play Land_," Julian grinned.

"See, he's gonna have a blast today. Don't worry about Jamie. Just focus on talking to your husband and getting to the bottom of this."

"Ok. I can do that."

"And if you need me to come down there just give me a call. I'll knock that crazy bitch back to wherever the hell she came from!"

* * *

Haley pulled up to Nathan's office building slowly. Once the car was parked, she placed her head down on the stirring wheel and prayed that Nathan had a good explanation for this. This just wasn't her husband. He didn't act like this. She just didn't know what to believe.

Haley couldn't stop picturing Nathan and Carrie together and it was making her angry. She was just so angry. Why hadn't Nathan told her? She knew that Nathan must have felt the same way when he thought she kissed Chris.

As anger swell inside of her, she pushed open the door and walked towards the front door. She pushed her way inside and walked down the long hall. Once she reached the back she noticed Carrie sitting at her desk and Haley had to hold herself back. She kept walking towards Nathan's office door.

"Mrs. Scott," Carrie smiled.

Haley ignored her. She would just blow up if she talked to Carrie and she needed to stay focused. Carrie would just piss her off even more than she was. She needed to talk to Nathan first and then she'd deal with Carrie.

"He's in the conference room with a client right now," Carrie spoke up before Haley made it to the door.

Haley hesitated in front of Nathan's door.

"I can just tell him you stopped by."

_I'll bet,_ Haley thought angrily.

"I think I'll wait," Haley finally spoke up. She was trying to calm herself but the stupid smile on Carrie's face wasn't helping matters.

"He'll be a while."

"I don't mind," Haley gritted out.

Carrie shrugged before lifting a file in her hands. "That's you if you want to wait that long. Can I get you anything while you wait?"

It was Carrie's smile that did it. Carrie wasn't fooling her. Haley felt everything explode inside of her and rage took over all her thinking. It would have been better just to go inside Nathan's office and cool down but rage held her in place.

"Yeah, you can stay the hell away from my husband!"

"Well, considering I work for him, that's gonna be really hard," Carrie smiled.

"Don't mess with me," Haley gritted out. "Don't think I don't know what you're doing."

Carrie smiled. "What's that?"

"It's not going to work," Haley stated angrily. "You're nothing but his assistant. He'll never –"

"You sure about that?"

Haley glared at Carrie who was _still_ smiling. "You're insane if you think he wants you."

"Am I? He spends most of his time here. You don't think it's for work do you? You do. How stupid of you. Maybe if you hadn't ignored him for so long he wouldn't have turned to me."

"Listen, you little –"

"Haley."

Haley turned when she heard Nathan's voice from down the hall. Out of the corner of her eye she noticed Carrie smiling at her and she clenched her fists at her sides. When Nathan got closer, she noticed the huge grin on his face. Of course Carrie had lied about how long he would be. It was clear Carrie didn't want them to see each other.

"This is a nice surprise. What are you doing here? I missed you."

Without a second thought Haley kissed him hard. She pulled his body into hers and kissed him with everything in her. She felt Nathan place his hand on her neck as pulled her in closer to him. She smiled against his lips. She hoped Carrie was enjoying the show. They broke away minutes later panting. Without even a glance in Carrie's direction she pulled Nathan by his tie into his office.

"Hold my calls," Nathan called out before closing his office door.

Before Haley had time to speak, Nathan was kissing her again. She could feel the passion between them. She could even feel how much he wanted her. She felt his hand at the bottom of her shirt trying to lift it up and she quickly broke the kiss before taking a step away from him.

Sure she wanted to make love to him right here and now. She wanted Carrie to hear them together. She wanted Carrie to know that Nathan was hers and that she'd never have him. But more than all of that she wanted the truth.

"Everything ok?" Nathan breathed.

"No," Haley muttered. "It's not."

"What's wrong? We can talk about it. Is it about…Nevaeh?"

Pain rushed through her trying to take over but the anger she felt wouldn't let up. She tried calming herself down. She didn't need to blow up at Nathan. She needed to listen to what he had to say. But all she could see was Carrie's stupid smile, mocking her. No wonder Nathan blew up at her when he found out about her kiss with Chris. If he had been feeling the way she felt now then she didn't blame him. It took everything in her to try and keep herself calm.

"Hales?"

"Carrie," Haley gritted out. "You haven't told me."

"What?" Nathan murmured. "What did she say to you?"

"I saw the text message she sent you and I know she's been calling you."

Nathan looked taken back for a second before he shoved his hands in his pockets. She also couldn't help but notice the guilty look on his face. That look did nothing to calm her. Her anger increased tenfold. This wasn't good.

"You went through my phone?"

Haley noticed that his voice wasn't angry or accusing. It was only soft and controlled.

"It wasn't like that. You left it on the table and she left you a text message."

"And so you looked," Nathan murmured with the nod of his head.

"Yes, Nathan. I did. Just about everyone that we knew was at that party. I wanted to know who it was."

"You shouldn't have done that, Haley," Nathan stated sadly. "I mean, I didn't want you to find out like that."

"I guess that answers the question about if you were going to tell me."

"I was."

"Were you? It doesn't seem like it."

"I was," Nathan insisted. "It just hasn't been the right time. We're finally getting close again and I didn't want to set us back. I was going to tell you."

"Tell me what exactly?"

"She's got this weird crush, Haley. I made it clear that I was happily married, I swear."

"What else, Nathan?"

"There was some flirting," Nathan muttered. "I was going to tell you about it."

"Did you kiss her?"

"Haley, that text message –"

"Answer the question, Nathan! Did you kiss her?"

Nathan hesitated. "Yes, but it's not what you think."

Haley felt herself backing away from him. "So, what it was just to get even with me?"

"No," Nathan stated quickly.

"Then what is it, Nathan? Was it because I was ignoring you? Did you turn to her while I was depressed about the death of our daughter? Is that what you've been doing here all the time? Is it to see her? All those nights you took off and didn't come home until the morning, were you with her then?"

Haley knew she had taken him off guard once again. He didn't know that she knew about him taking off some nights.

"No, I would go to the beach or the graveyard. Just let me explain."

Haley took another step back when Nathan didn't continue right away. She felt sick to her stomach once again. This couldn't be happening. She couldn't stop the tears.

"Don't cry," Nathan muttered. "It was a long time ago. I'm so sorry."

"How long?" Haley chocked out.

"We used to go to school together before my family moved to Tree Hill. We had the same friends. There was this party one night after we won this huge game. We got a little drunk and ended up making out."

"You were friends with her?" Haley asked hesitantly. "And you guys made out?"

Nathan nodded before glancing down. "Yes. I'm sorry, Haley. But that's it."

"I'm gonna be sick."

"It was a long time ago," Nathan rushed out. "It didn't mean anything, Hales. It was before I met you. I didn't know there was gonna be a _you_."

"This whole time," Haley whispered to herself. She couldn't stop picturing them in her head.

"I don't even remember that night really. I was really drunk. We just kissed."

"Spare me the details because there's enough going on in my head at the moment."

"Hales," Nathan muttered as he reached out for her.

She backed away. "Don't."

"You can't be mad at me for something that happened before I met you, Haley."

"Should I just ignore the fact that you _hired_ her to work for you? Or the fact that she's been flirting with you and you haven't told me? Or that you kissed her again? Or even about the fact that she just told me minutes ago that you wanted her? Don't let me forget to mention that you didn't tell _me_ any of this."

"I don't want her," Nathan stated calmly. "I never did and I _didn't_ kiss her again. We only made out that one night. I'd never kiss someone else now no matter what we've been through. We're married, Haley. I love you. I want _you_. I hired her because she was new in town and couldn't find work. We used to be friends and I was just trying to be nice. I never thought that she'd think there was something between us. I even told her there wasn't."

They stood there staring at each other for minutes.

"I don't want her working with you. You need to fire her right now."

"I've already told her she should start looking for another job. She's been acting really unprofessional and once I noticed that text message last night –"

He couldn't be serious. "You're giving her time to look for another job?"

"There's nothing going on. I swear to you. You have nothing to worry about."

"Besides that fact that she's insane! It's clear she just wants to fuck you!" Haley glanced at him in disbelief. "I don't want you working with her."

"Well, what about you and Chris?" Nathan questioned as he folded his arms across his chest. "I don't want you working with him either."

"I can't help that he works at the same school that I do. I'm not his boss. Unlike you who is actually her boss. And why are you even bringing him into this? I already told you that he kissed me. At least we didn't make out for hours!"

Nathan flinched in pain. "And I told her that she needs to find another job! Let's not fight about this, ok. I'll do whatever you want. I'll fire her. But please let's just talk about this. If we fight then…we'll give her what she wants. What else did she say to you? "

"What were you thinking when you hired her, Nathan? That everything would just all be ok? You kissed with her for crying out loud! I can't stop picturing it in my head! And now you want me to calm down and relax because you told her she should start looking for another job? As long as she's here then I don't…I don't want to see you."

"Hales, I'll do whatever you want. I know that I should've told you…"

"You got that right. I can't believe that you didn't tell me about this. This whole time she's been flirting with you…I can't believe you kept this from me. I just don't want to see you right now…not while she's still here."

"Haley."

"You heard me," Haley stated angrily. "The fact that you didn't tell me in the first place is…"

"I wanted to but you were pregnant and I didn't want you stressing or worrying about anything, Haley. I was going to tell you and then we got into the accident and then everything…"

"Stop it," Haley muttered. "You could've told me. This whole time you've been upset with me for not being honest and so I was but you've been keeping this from me. I felt horrible, Nathan. Sick to my stomach because I hurt you so badly and this whole time you've been keeping this from me…you made me feel so horrible when you confronted me about Chris kissing me."

"I was wrong and I'm sorry. I've already apologized, Haley. I didn't mean those things I said. I was just hurt and angry."

That's exactly how she felt now. Hurt _and_ angry.

Haley couldn't take it anymore. She needed to get away. She rushed out of his office.

"Haley!"

She pushed the door open. "Everything ok, Mrs. Scott?"

Haley hadn't even realized her hand clenched into a fist. She didn't know what had taken over her but when she noticed Carrie standing with a file in her hands, she snapped. Her fist connected with Carrie's jaw hard. It sent a sharp pain through her hand and she held it instantly as Carrie flew to the ground. Hitting Carrie didn't seem to make her feel any better. She stormed off down the hall and barely heard Carrie's voice.

"Nathan, she hit me."

_Yeah_, she thought. She hoped it hurt. She reached her car minutes later and jumped inside. The sight of Nathan chasing after her should've made her feel a little better. At least he wasn't checking to make sure that Carrie was ok. But she didn't feel good at all and her hand was throbbing in pain. Her heart was literally aching in her chest.

Haley knew that part of her understood why he didn't say anything. When Chris had first kissed her, she had no intention of telling Nathan because she didn't want to hurt him and that kiss had been unwanted and meant nothing. But the other part of her was too angry to care.

It wasn't even the fact that Nathan had made out with Carrie all those years ago. If he had just told her then that would've been ok. She wouldn't have liked it but at least he would've been honest. But he hadn't told her. He kept it from her even when Carrie started flirting with him. No matter what his intentions were it still hurt all the same.


	18. Chapter 18

_Chapter Eighteen –Where You Belong_

Haley sat numbly, looking straight ahead, not really seeing anything. She was tired, exhausted even. When a person cried a lot that's what happened and she had been crying for the longest time.

She could hear voices all around her, happy people enjoying their day.

"Here. Put this on it."

Haley glanced at her mother before swiping away her tears with her good hand. The next thing she knew a bag of cold ice was placed on her aching hand. It hurt. It was a throbbing pain that wouldn't seem to go away.

After hitting Carrie, Haley had driven around town thinking about things. It hadn't been the smartest thing to hit Carrie and she didn't know if she'd get in trouble for it. But she knew that she'd do it all over again if she had to. It wasn't even about Carrie and Nathan's past together. It was the fact that that stupid girl had been flirting with _her _husband even though she knew he was married.

"Ouch," Haley muttered.

"Sorry," Karen stated quickly as she pulled the ice pack away. "The swelling isn't going down. Try moving your fingers."

Haley held up her aching hand before trying to move her fingers. She couldn't do it. It hurt too much. She had been so angry when she hit Carrie. She hadn't even realized how hard she must have hit her. It had been the first time she had ever hit someone like that and with the way her hand felt she knew that it would be the last.

"I can't right now."

"I got here as fast as I could," Brooke called out as she burst through the door of the café. People inside the café all looked up at the sound of Brooke's voice.

"You didn't have to come. It's nothing."

"But your mom said that you hit Carrie."

"And now she's hurt," Karen pointed out with the shake of her head.

"Sorry about your hand but I can't say that the bitch didn't have it coming."

"Brooke," Karen scolded. "That's no way to talk."

"Sorry," Brooke smiled sheepishly. "Only stating the truth."

Karen smiled before glancing at Haley worriedly. "I think we should take you to the hospital so we can get your hand looked at."

Haley didn't want to go to the hospital at all. She didn't even want to be anywhere around that place. Still the aching in her hand continued to throb and she just wanted it to stop.

"Fine."

"So, tell me what happened?" Brooke asked quickly once Karen walked to the back of the café.

Haley sighed. "Well, he said that he didn't kiss her again."

"That's great…wait, when did he kiss her?"

"They used to go to high school together before they moved here. Nathan said that they used to have the same friends or whatever." Haley rolled her eyes.

"So, they hooked up? Dated?"

Haley felt her body tense as she thought about Nathan and Carrie _that_ way again. It wasn't a good feeling to picture your husband in bed with another woman. It wasn't a good feeling at all. She snapped her eyes shut and pushed the image out of her head.

"Made out one night," Haley shrugged.

"Oh."

"Yeah, no big deal," Haley muttered. "But he hired her to work for him and he told me that she's been flirting with him. Can you believe that? I mean she knows we're married and she doesn't care. She has this sick notion that Nathan wants _her._"

"She's clearly insane. Why would he hire her to work for him in the first place?"

Haley felt her heart ache. "He was just trying to be nice. She was new in town and couldn't find a job. You know how Nathan is, so nice and trusting, always trying to help someone out."

"Sounds like someone else I know," Brooke smiled.

"He said it meant nothing but if it did then why didn't he tell me? If it was nothing then why not tell me? If he had just told me…"

"He probably didn't want to hurt you," Brooke pointed out.

"It would've been better coming from him."

"I know, sweetie. But he probably didn't tell you for the same reason you didn't want to tell him about the kiss with Chris."

"Yeah."

"How did you end up hitting that slut?"

"Well, when I got there she was being all nice and it was like she was mocking me. I told her to stay away from Nathan and she just started saying that he wanted her, and that he spent some much time at the office to see her."

"Crazy much?"

"I know," Haley muttered. "She just kept smiling and when I left she was just standing there smiling like she had won or something. I couldn't stop myself."

"Nice," Brooke grinned. "Made you feel better?"

"Not really," Haley shrugged. "My hand hurts like hell and I told Nathan that I didn't want to see him until he fires her."

"He fired her right?"

"Not while I was there. I took off after I hit her."

"He didn't do anything?" Brooke asked dumbfound.

Haley swallowed the lump in her throat as her chest tightened again. "He chased after me. I was just so angry that he kept something like that from me. She's been flirting with him this whole time…while I was grieving. Our marriage has just been so strained and she tried to use that to seduce him."

"But he didn't. Nathan loves you."

"I know that. I just wish he had told me what was going on."

"Brooke," Karen called out as she walked back to their table. "Can you stay here and look after things for a little bit. Megan is on her way. She'll be here soon and I should really get Haley's hand checked out."

"Sure thing, Momma James," Brooke grinned. "Hales, how _hard_ did you hit her?"

Haley shrugged. "She flew to the ground."

"And you thought my fighting lessons were useless," Brooke chuckled.

"Fighting lessons?"

Haley glanced at her mother. "Don't ask."

"Fifth grade was boring," Brooke declared.

* * *

Nathan pushed his hands deeper into the sand. The waves were slowly crashing onto the shore. The dark sky held nothing but the moon and billions of bright stars. It was a beautiful night. So beautiful but he couldn't enjoy it.

Not tonight.

Not after what happened earlier.

He buried his hands deeper, wishing that his whole body would disappear for a while. Maybe then he wouldn't feel the aching in his chest. Better yet, he wanted to be numb. Anything was better than the constant pain.

It was his own fault, he knew. He had kept the truth from his wife. This was all on him.

He felt horrible but he knew that this wasn't the worst night of his life.

In an instant he was back in that hospital all those months ago. The memory of that night was so vivid in his mind. He wished he could just forget all together. He didn't want to remember any of it. But he did.

He could see himself slumped down on the floor across from the operating room. They kicked him out at some point because they needed room. He remembered that blood drenched his hands and shirt. Haley's blood. He remembered crying like he never had before in his life and praying for the baby and Haley to be ok. He even remembered how he asked to trade places with them but there had been no answer. He had prayed so hard and was welling to give _anything _as long as Haley and the baby were ok but still no answer. All he could do was wait.

He felt useless. But more than anything he hated himself. He had been ok and Haley and the baby weren't.

He remembered sitting on the cold floor for a long time until he heard footsteps walking towards him. He hadn't been able to look up from the ground as he waited to hear the news about his wife and baby. His body had trembled as the doctor tried to get his attention but he had been terrified of what he had to say.

Then when the doctor finally started talking he felt his whole world stop.

His mind hadn't been working clearly after the words placenta abruption was mentioned. The doctor had told them something about the baby and not enough oxygen which all lead to the stillbirth. He had felt sick to his stomach and almost threw up in the hallway. It was the loud sobs of Karen and his mother that stopped him.

He had felt frozen. It had been the loud clicking of hills racing their way that had his head lifting slightly. Brooke had been out of breath and crying by the time she reached them. Then Brooke had asked the doctor if Haley was ok. That had woken him up a little and he glanced up at the doctor then. It hadn't even crossed his mind that he'd actually lose Haley. And when the doctor told them that she was ok he felt relieved. _Relieved_.

He had just found out about the death of their baby and he had felt relieved because Haley had lived. He knew it was horrible but he couldn't live without Haley. He couldn't.

He hadn't realized it but slow tears were falling from his face. He let them. The beach was empty and it wasn't like anyone would see, not that he cared. It was hard remembering that night. All of it was hard. He felt like he had a huge whole inside of him since that day.

He wiped his face.

He didn't move when he heard footsteps approaching him. He glanced up just in time to see Haley sinking down in the sand next to him. He felt his heart start to pound wildly in his chest. He pulled his hands out of the sand quickly.

"You came," Nathan stated softly. He had sent her a text earlier asking her to meet him here. She had been so angry when she left his office he wasn't sure if she'd come. "She's gone."

"Where?"

"I don't know. I don't _care._ I love you, Haley. I know I should've told you the truth but it honestly meant nothing and I didn't want to hurt you. We've been going through so much and I…"

"I get it," Haley sighed softly.

"I was just trying to be nice to an old friend when I gave her the job," Nathan added.

"I believe you," Haley muttered. "I just wish you had told me."

"I'm sorry."

"We need to be honest with each other and tell each other everything. I mean we've been through so much lately and we've always been open and honest. I want us to be that way again."

"So do I," Nathan agreed.

He took in the sight of her and it was only then that he noticed the wrist splint on her hand. He reached over and took her hand carefully into his.

"Haley," Nathan muttered before looking up at her face.

Haley shrugged. "It's just bruised and a little sore."

"I'm so sorry. Is it still hurting? What can I do?"

"The doctor gave me something for the pain."

"That should've never happened," Nathan whispered as he held her hand closely and examined it. "I should've fired her right when she started being inappropriate."

"Did I at least hurt her?"

Nathan smirked for the first time that night. "Her lip was bleeding and she was furious. I didn't care. I just wanted her gone."

"Good."

"She really is gone. I told her I never wanted to see her again. I'm so sorry for everything. I didn't think…"

"Just tell me next time," Haley muttered.

"There won't be a next time," Nathan swore. "I just want to come home, Hales. I want to come home and be with you and Jamie."

"I thought you weren't ready to move back in?"

"No, I am. I didn't want to leave in the first place, Haley. I was just trying to take things slow. I didn't want to rush you. That's the only reason why I've been taking things slow. For you. Not for me, Hales. I'm ready to come home. I miss you so much. I'm tired of being apart from you. I hate it."

"Oh. I thought…"

"What?"

Haley shrugged. "That _you_ weren't ready."

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that you thought that."

"I think we should go to counseling together. I think it would be good for us. Olivia thinks it's a good idea."

"Ok," Nathan nodded. "I'll do whatever it takes."

Haley smiled softly. "I miss this place. I haven't been here in so long."

"I come here a lot to think," Nathan admitted.

"I know. It's a special place for us."

"Yep." So many of their good memories had taken place here. It would always be a part of them. _Always._

"Always and forever," Haley whispered before smiling at him. He smiled back before slipping his hand in hers. They laced their fingers together before he felt Haley's head lay on his shoulder. "I really missed you, Nathan."

"So can I move back home?" Nathan asked.

"Yes," Haley stated softly. "But it's gonna take time for things between us to…"

"I know. We'll take it slow, Hales. I promise. I have faith in us…in our marriage. I know we'll get through this. Always and forever."

Nathan was so happy. He squeezed Haley's hand in his. He was never letting her go again.

"I need to get my stuff out of that stupid hotel room."

"Can we just stay here for a while?" Haley asked softly.

"I'd like that."

* * *

"Watch, Momma."

Haley stopped grading papers for a second and glanced up. Jamie smiled at her before bringing his lips to his straw and blowing as hard as he could. She watched as his chocolate milk bubbled up and over his glass, flying all around.

Jamie grinned. "Oops."

Haley laughed before grabbing a few napkins and wiping Jamie's face and then the counter.

"You're making me rethink ordering you chocolate milk," Haley teased.

"No, no," Jamie rushed out. "I'll drink it right."

"Ok," Haley smiled before she went back to grading the papers in front of her.

She heard Jamie sigh. "Can we order already?"

"A few more minutes, sweetie," Haley muttered as she glanced at her watch.

"I want five hotdogs," Jamie stated as he held up one hand.

Haley laughed. "That's a lot. You think you can eat all that?"

"I'm very hungry," Jamie told her. Haley couldn't help but laugh as Jamie went back to coloring the picture in front of him. She checked her watch once again for the time.

"Can I get a coffee?"

Haley frozen for a second before glancing to the side of her. When Chris finally noticed her, he sighed before looking away from her.

"To go," Chris added. "Hey, Haley. I haven't seen you in a while."

"Jamie, go see what Grandma's up to in her office," Haley quickly told him. Jamie grinned before running to the back of the café. Haley quickly turned her attention back to Chris.

"That was your son, huh?"

"You can't be here," Haley rushed out.

"I'm just getting –"

"You have to leave now," Haley continued.

"Why?"

"Just leave please."

"I just want to apologize again, Haley. You haven't given me a chance to apologize."

"Forget about it, ok?"

"I can't. I feel bad about the whole thing and you've been avoiding me ever since."

"Listen –"

"Haley?"

The sound of Nathan's voice had Haley's heart dropping. She glanced at him quickly and noticed the confused look on his face as he looked between the two of them. And then before she knew it Nathan kissed her softly on the lips and then placed his arm around her.

"What's going on? Where's Jamie?" Nathan questioned.

"In the back with my mom," Haley whispered.

"And you are….?"

"Chris Keller," Chris told him.

Haley watched as Nathan's features turned hard. All she wanted was for Chris to be gone and for this to not be happening. Why did he have to show up here?

"Oh," Nathan muttered seconds later.

"This isn't –"

"I'm sure Haley's told you about what I did," Chris cut her off. "I wanted to apologize to the both of you. I'm really sorry. I had no idea that she was married."

"Well, she is," Nathan spoke up. "Now, you know."

"I'm really sorry."

"Its fine," Nathan muttered.

"I should get going," Chris muttered as he reached for his coffee. "I'm sorry again. I hope things won't be weird at work."

Haley watched as Chris left the café. She glanced at up Nathan.

"I didn't know he was going to show up here," Haley stated softly.

"It's ok," Nathan grinned before kissing her again. "I missed you today."

"You're really not mad?"

"Of course not. I'm not letting anything get between us again." Haley smiled at him before they kissed once again.

"I love you," Haley whispered. "So much."

"Daddy!" Jamie jumped in Nathan's arms. "Can we play basketball when we get home?"

"Sure thing, Jimmy Jam."

"Sweet," Jamie grinned. "Now can I get my five hotdogs?"


	19. Chapter 19

_Chapter Nineteen –Getting It Back_

Nathan had left work early to surprise Haley. He couldn't wait to get home and see her. He searched all of downstairs but he couldn't find her. He then went upstairs and starting looking for her. When he didn't find her in their bedroom or Jamie's he searched the spare bedrooms. Still no Haley. The only place he hadn't checked was the old baby room but she wouldn't be in there. Would she?

His heart was pounding wildly in his chest as his smile faded. He started walking down the hall. He didn't know what he was expecting but when he walked in and noticed Haley painting the white walls a pretty yellow color he smiled. His whole body relaxed. He stood there watching her as she sang softly to herself.

Nathan stood there for minutes just watching her.

"Hales?"

Haley jumped before glancing over her shoulder. "Nathan. You're supposed to be at work."

"I left early to get you these." He held out the bouquet of purple wildflowers.

"They're beautiful," Haley smiled. She left her spot by the wall and walked towards Nathan. She kissed him softly before smiling at him. "I won't tell Brooke you got me these since it's her big day."

Nathan chuckled. "Yeah, she really is all about the spotlight. You getting flowers on her opening night would be really, _really_ bad. She'd probably even rip them out of your hands…Probably never speak to you again."

"Right," Haley laughed at his teasing tone. "That sounds like Brooke."

"So, what are you doing exactly?" He glanced around the room.

"Well, I thought this room would be better yellow than white. I'm not sure what I want to do with it yet but I don't want it to be another bedroom." Haley smiled softly at him.

"Ok."

"I was thinking we could decided together what to do with it?"

Nathan smiled softly. "I'd like that, Hales."

"Right now I just want to finish painting it."

"Can I help?"

"Sure, I was going to put you to work anyway."

Nathan chuckled. "Good."

"Grab a brush and get to work, Scott."

"Yes, Ma'am."

Nathan stood there watching as she went back to painting. He then got himself a brush and got everything ready for one of the side walls before he started painting it. It was fifteen minutes later when half of his wall was painted. He just needed to work on the trim. He glanced to the side and noticed Haley taking her time with the wall she was on.

He knew this was a big deal for her. This wasn't easy. But here she was getting through it. She was stronger than she knew. He smiled as he watched her. He wondered if she was ok with this. She seemed like she was. He knew she'd tell him if not. Things might have been strained between them in the past but it wasn't like that now. Not anymore.

Nathan's eyes moved up and down her perfect body. She was in shorts and a pretty white blouse. Nothing fancy. But she was absolutely breathtaking to him. She would always be.

His heart was leaping out of his chest.

"Hales?"

"Yeah," Haley muttered as she turned to face him.

Nathan took off walking towards her, a mischief grin on his face. "You've got something on your face."

"What?" Haley's free hand went up to touch her face.

"I'll get it," Nathan smirked before making it in front of her. He took the small paint brush in his hands and rubbed it against the side of her face. Part of her cheek was covered in yellow paint.

Haley's mouth fell open. "I can't believe you just did that! Brooke is going to kill you! We have to be at her opening in a few hours!"

"Really?" Nathan chuckled as he brushed the other side of her face. "Then this is really bad, huh?"

Haley smiled as she closed her eyes. "Ok."

It was only then that Nathan felt something moving up his chest. He glanced down and noticed Haley pushing the paint roller up and down his shirt and pants. He heard Haley laughing seconds later. He smiled before moving quickly back to the wall he had worked on. He grabbed the bucket of paint before making it back towards her.

"No," Haley muttered as she took a step back and held up her hands. "Brooke is going to kill us if we show up covered in paint!"

"I have to do it," Nathan chuckled. "You got it all over me. It's only fair."

"_You_ started it."

"I did," Nathan agreed with a grin.

"I was only getting you back."

"You were."

"Nathan, please don't. It's going to take forever…" It was too late though. The paint splattered all over that pretty white blouse she was wearing. It flew all around her and hit the wall and floor. He didn't care. He laughed loudly as Haley rushed towards him with her bucket of paint. He didn't even move when painted covered the lower half of his body. He didn't care.

They were both laughing loudly. Nathan pulled her in close to him and caressed her cheek, his hand moving around the paint he placed their minutes before. Their laughter died down as they gazed intently at each other. He felt Haley's hands on his chest and he quickly leaned down and kissed her. Haley's arms wrapped around him and they melted against each other. He kissed her deeper and groaned when she bit his bottom lip.

They hadn't made love since he moved back in and that was weeks ago. He craved her, wanted her. His hands started working on the buttons of her blouse as his mouth moved to her neck where no paint seemed to be.

"Not here…not in this room," Haley whimpered.

"Where?" Nathan practically growled as her hands started working on his belt and pants.

"We should really get in the shower," Haley breathed. "We need to get cleaned. The opening is…"

Haley yelped in surprise as Nathan lifted her up in his arms and started walking them out of the room. Their mouths fused together instantly. Once they reached the bathroom, Nathan placed Haley down quickly before starting the shower. He made quick work of freeing himself of all his clothes. Once he was finished he noticed Haley already in the shower, the water cascading down on her.

He rushed behind her, his hands wrapping around her from behind. He buried his face in her neck as he felt warm water start to fall on him. He placed soft kisses on her neck and he heard her moaning softly before she turned her face to the side. He pulled his lips away from her neck before kissing her on the lips.

They kissed passionately for minutes.

"We don't have to…I mean, I know…" Nathan couldn't seem to finish what he was about to say. He wanted to be sure that she was ready for them to have an intimate relationship again. Their marriage had gotten stronger over the last few weeks. Couples counseling really seemed to be helping and he felt so close to Haley. But other than talking and sharing things, all they did was kiss. He wanted to be sure.

"I want you," Haley stated breathlessly. That's all he needed to hear before they melted into each other.

* * *

Haley glanced around at the crowded boutique looking for Brooke. They had been here for over an hour now and Brooke had been so busy that they had hardly talked. She caught sight of Brooke laughing with a few of her guests. Before she could make a move that way, Nathan pushed her forward. His arm held her to him.

It had been this way since they arrived. Nathan didn't want to be a part from her and she felt the same way.

"This one is nice," Nathan stated while pointing to the dress in front of him.

Haley glanced at it. It was nice. Very nice. "I don't know. It's a little short, don't you think?"

"I think it looks sexy." He took the dress in his free hand and held it out in front of her body. She glanced down at the dress before looking up at her husband. He had a huge grin on his face. She laughed softly.

"Nathan, I can't…"

"Try it on for me?"

"It's yours," Brooke smiled as she approached them. "I insist."

"See," Nathan chuckled. "Tell her it looks sexy?"

"Of course it does," Brooke grinned. "I made it."

Haley laughed. "Fine. Where's Julian?"

"Around here somewhere."

"You should really think about designing men clothes," Nathan muttered as he glanced around the boutique. "There's nothing but chick stuff in here."

"Hello," Haley laughed. "It's called Clothes _Over_ Bros."

Nathan shrugged with a grin.

"Actually, we're in the process of designing a male line," Brooke stated smugly. "So there you go, Hotshot."

"Since when?"

"We've been planning it for a while now. I'm just waiting on Alexander to get here in a few weeks and then we can start."

"Alexander?"

"One of the designers she works with," Haley told Nathan.

"Is he gay?" Nathan questioned.

"Nathan!"

Brooke chuckled. "I don't know."

"I mean, if he's a fashion designer then…"

"I can't believe you," Haley laughed as she glanced up at Nathan. Their eyes locked as they stood there staring at each other.

"It's so good to see you two happy again," Brooke spoke up minutes later. "I prayed for you guys. We all did."

"Thanks." They both said at the same time before giggling.

It was only then that Haley felt Brooke's hand on her shoulder. Haley quickly tore her eyes off of Nathan before glancing at Brooke. Brooke had pushed her dress strap to the side.

"There's something on you."

"It's nothing."

"Is that yellow paint?"

Haley felt her cheeks flush at Brooke's words. She quickly glanced down at her shoulder and noticed the little spot of paint still on her shoulder. She thought she had gotten it all off. Nathan had told her that she had. Haley heard Nathan chuckling next to her and she quickly elbowed him hard.

"_Ouch_."

"Am I missing something?" Brooke questioned with a smile.

"No," Haley rushed out.

"Then why is your face bright red?"

"It's not."

"It so is."

"Hales, it is."

Haley could feel her face heat up even more. Stupid red cheeks.

"What did you guys do?" Brooke chuckled. "I know those looks."

"Brooke," Haley whispered as she quickly glanced around. The placed was packed and she was sure that the people around them could hear everything that they were saying. She didn't want these strangers knowing about her sex life.

"You guys did it before you came here, huh?"

"Yup."

"Oh my god," Haley whispered as she glanced around once again. Both Brooke and Nathan had huge grins on their faces.

"So what's with the paint?"

"We had a little…fight," Nathan spoke up smugly.

"I'll bet you did," Brooke grinned.

"Would you two –"

"There you are. I've been looking everywhere for you," Julian muttered tiredly as he placed his arm around Brooke's waist and kissed her cheek.

"I've been here."

"All the people I've met so far are weird! The only normal ones are Sarah, Clay, Luke, and Lindsey."

"Thank you," Nathan agreed as he sent a point look to Haley. Nathan thought just about everyone here was weird too. Haley had laughed when he told her earlier.

"So what are you guys talking about?"

"Nothing," Haley spoke up quickly.

"Nathan and Haley had sex before they came here."

"This is so not something we should be talking about…" Haley buried her head in Nathan's chest as they all started laughing.

"So did we," Julian grinned.

"Three times," Brooke added.

"Shouldn't you be greeting people and checking on things?"

"Fine," Brooke laughed. "I do need to show off this rock." She waved her hand up and smiled at the huge diamond ring on her finger. When they walked away, Haley sighed in relief before hitting Nathan once again in his side.

"What was that for?"

"Do you have to encourage her?"

Nathan shrugged. "Sorry."

"Our parents are here. They could've heard, Nathan." Haley would've been mortified if either of their parents had heard.

"But they didn't," Nathan pointed out. "Now, let's see if there's a dressing room."

"Why?"

"Didn't you agree to try this on for me?"

"I don't remember agreeing to that."

"Please?"

"I don't know. I mean just minutes ago you –"

"I'm sorry. What will it take for me to get you alone?"

Haley shrugged with a grin. "Why do you want me alone?"

Nathan's eyes darkened before lacing their fingers together. "There has to be dressing rooms! You women love to try on clothes. They're around here somewhere."

Haley laughed as Nathan pulled her through the crowd of people and towards the back of the store.

* * *

"So did you two discuss what we talked about last time?"

Nathan squeezed Haley's hand softly in his. They were sitting close together in Olivia's office. This was only their third session together but it was helping them. Nathan knew that they should've gone to counseling sooner. It helped a lot.

They talked about so many things here. He learned so many things. It didn't know just how hard Haley had taken things after the accident. Sure she had told him a little but she had only given him a small glimpse into her pain. But when she talked about it here he fully understood how she really felt. It was hard hearing it but he wanted to know. He understood things a lot better.

Haley had put it perfectly last session. She said that both of them had a huge hole inside of them that would never be filled.

Nathan glanced at Haley and noticed that she was lost in thought.

"We did," Nathan spoke up.

"And?"

"We decided that we want more kids eventually. We talked about it a lot actually and with everything that's happened lately, we just think that it would be better to wait a while before we start trying again. We feel like we should focus on our marriage and Jamie at the moment."

Olivia smiled. "So in the future?"

"We'd like to try again," Haley muttered.

"That's good. How are things at home?"

"Great. Things just keep getting better and better each and every day. We spend as much time as we can together as a family. I finally moved back into our bedroom this week. Things are…great."

"Haley, how do you feel about sharing a bedroom with Nathan again? I know before you weren't sure if you were ready for that yet."

"I feel happy. I was happy when Nathan finally came home and now that things are finally right between us, I knew that I wanted him back in our bedroom. We've talked so much these last few weeks and I've never felt closer to him."

"I feel the same," Nathan smiled as he glanced at Haley.

"I made a suggestion last week and I was wondering if you guys took my advice?"

Nathan glanced at Haley once again. He knew she was thinking about last night.

"We did, last night actually."

Haley squeezed his hand and his thoughts turned to last night. He had been to the graveyard but he had never been there with Haley to visit their daughter. It was different going with her. She had broken down in his arms and they cried together for a long time.

"How was that?"

"Hard," Haley whispered. "Really hard."

Nathan glanced at his wife. "But we got through it _together._"

"We did."

"The loss of her will always be with us. That pain will never fully go away. It'll always be with us and we'll never forget about her," Nathan stated softly. "But now we're just trying to move forward."

"Together," Haley added as Olivia smiled at them.

"I think you guys are going to be just fine."


	20. Chapter 20

AN: Thanks so much to those of you who read and reviewed this story. It's been one hell of an emotional roller coaster but I loved writing it. Thanks again. I really appreciate it. Those of you who are reading _**Sweet Surrender**_ I'll be updating that one in a couple of days. Well, here's the last chapter. I hope you enjoy it. Let me know what you think.

_Chapter Twenty –Unbreakable Love_

Haley's eyes fluttered open slowly before closing again. She smiled tiredly as she remembered the dream she just had. It had been the one with her and Nevaeh in that field of wildflowers watching the sunrise. That one was her favorite. She would always wake up with a smile on her face after having that dream.

Her eye's fluttered open once again and this time Nathan's sleeping face came into view. Her smile widened as she pushed her face closer to his. He was sleeping peacefully and she lay there quietly and watched him. She loved watching him sleep. She could feel her heart hammering in her chest as she thought about how much she loved her husband. There weren't words to even describe how much. Nathan was _everything_.

As if reading her thoughts, Nathan's eyes opened before he grinned. They gazed at each other lovingly for minutes before Nathan leaned in to kiss her. Their lips pressed together tenderly before Nathan pulled away.

"I love you," Nathan muttered hoarsely.

Haley smiled. "I love you."

The sound of giggling had both of them laughing. They both glanced down at the space between them and noticed little feet moving. It was a second later that Nathan sat up and reached for the little body at the end of the bed. The giggling only increased.

"How did you get in here?"

"Yeah, I tucked you in and watched you fall asleep," Haley stated with a smile.

"I don't remember," the little voice spoke up.

"Is that right?" Nathan chuckled as he laid the little body on his chest. Haley watched as their daughter snuggled into Nathan before grinning at her.

"Good morning, Mommy. I love you!"

"I love you more," Haley grinned before caressing her daughter's cheek.

"What about me?" Nathan questioned.

"I love you, Daddy!"

"That's much better," Nathan smiled.

"I heard laughing," Jamie announced as he walked into the room. Haley moved herself over a little as Jamie got under the covers.

Haley noticed Jamie's hair sticking up and she pushed it down. "Morning, sweetie."

"Mom," Jamie whined.

"It's the first day of summer, I thought you'd be sleeping late," Nathan spoke up.

"That was the plan until I heard this one laughing," Jamie muttered before reaching over and tickling his sister in her side. The little girl giggled before trying to move away.

"Jamie," the little girl laughed.

"Faith," Jamie mocked.

Haley laughed as she glanced at her husband. They both smiled before reaching out and tickling Jamie. Jamie and Faith giggled loudly. It was minutes later when they all stopped and Jamie quickly got out of the bed still laughing.

"How about breakfast?"

"Pancakes," Jamie nodded before rubbing his stomach.

"With blueberries," Faith added.

"Let's do it," Nathan stated as he stood up with Faith in his arms.

Haley got out of bed before holding out her hands for Faith. "I'll dress her while you start breakfast." Nathan handed Faith over before kissing Haley softly on the lips.

"I'm so glad Mom taught you how to cook," Jamie muttered before dashing out of their bedroom. They both chuckled before Nathan followed Jamie out.

Faith held onto Haley tight as they made it down the hall to her room. "What do you want to wear today, baby?"

Faith wiggled herself out of Haley's arms before running to her closet. Haley stood there waiting until Faith rushed back out.

"I wanna wear this."

"Your Fairy Princess dress?"

"With the wings," Faith nodded. "Put it on me, Momma."

Haley laughed as she dressed Faith before they made their way downstairs. Nathan stood in front of the stove and Jamie sat waiting for his food. Faith grinned brightly before Haley placed her in the seat next to Jamie.

"It smells yummy! Extra blueberries, Daddy!"

"Here you go," Nathan muttered as he fixed both Jamie and Faith's plates. The kids started eating.

Haley made her way next to Nathan as he fixed her a plate of pancakes. She looked at the food in front of her before shaking her head and pushing the plate away. Just the smell of it was upsetting her stomach.

"Still not feeling the pancakes, huh?" Nathan chuckled.

"Yummy!" Faith giggled.

"How can you _not_ like pancakes anymore?" Jamie questioned.

"It's the baby," Haley stated as she rubbed her huge belly. "He doesn't like pancakes." That had been clear in her first trimester. Even the smell was making her want to rush to the bathroom.

Nathan chuckled. "Well, what is the little man making you crave this morning?"

"Eggs," Haley muttered as she grabbed the carton of eggs. Nathan quickly took it from her and smiled. He caressed her stomach.

"I got this. Sit down and relax," Nathan instructed.

"Sit by me, Mommy," Faith smiled sweetly.

Haley took a seat and watched as Nathan moved around the kitchen quickly making her breakfast. She smiled as she watched him. All those cooking lessons that she gave him was finally paying off. He was getting really good in the kitchen.

"You still want strawberries with it?" Nathan questioned.

Haley nodded. "Yep."

"That's just gross," Jamie muttered.

"At least she's not mixing it together," Nathan chuckled. "Now, that would be gross."

* * *

Nathan glanced out the window as he watched Jamie play basketball with Madison. Just because Madison was a girl didn't mean Jamie took it easy on her. Nathan never saw Jamie play so hard in his life and the boy loved to play. He knew that it was probably because Madison was an amazing player.

Glancing over his shoulder, he noticed Haley sitting on the sofa folding clothes and Faith on the floor a few feet away playing with a bunch of her dolls. He smiled. Wherever Haley was, Faith was not far away. It had been that way since they had her four years ago.

It still amazed him how things turned out. Looking back on it now, he never dreamed that their life would be like this after the accident. He had hoped. This life was more than he could ask for. Back then things had been so dark for so long. They had been in a really bad place. Their marriage, their life, it had all been shaken with the death of their daughter.

They were happy now. So happy. They still missed Nevaeh more than words could say and they talked about her often. That loss would always be with them no matter what happened. She would always be apart of them but they learned to move on.

When they decided to have another baby things had a little hard at first. Haley had been always worried that something would happen to the baby and it took a lot to make her sit back and relax. She didn't need any stress while being pregnant with another baby. They had visited the doctor more than a normal pregnant woman had to because Haley's pregnancy had been high risk but in the end things were ok. They hadn't known the sex of the baby and when he first laid eyes on the screaming baby and realized it was a girl he had been so happy.

They had decided to name her Faith since faith had gotten them there in the first place.

It had been so different having a baby girl. Things were so different from when they had Jamie but they had gotten use to them. Now they were having another boy and Nathan was really excited about it. They weren't supposed to find out the sex but he had called the doctor wanting to know. He hadn't intended on telling Haley but she got it out of him when she realized he knew. She was quite seductive when she wanted to be.

His life, he could honestly say, was amazing. He was happy and a very blessed man.

"Why would you undress your dolls?" Nathan questioned. Faith's dolls were all naked with their clothes in a huge pile on the floor next to her.

Haley smiled as she folded a towel and placed it aside.

"I'm folding clothes," Faith stated simply. They both chuckled as they watched her fold the clothes and place it in a messy pile.

Nathan watched Faith for a few minutes before gazing out the window once again. Jamie must have been losing because he didn't look happy. Jamie always got upset when Madison beat him at anything. It was pretty funny.

"You know, I think I'm actually getting fatter by the minute."

"I hope so," Nathan chuckled.

"You're just saying that to make me feel better," Haley smiled.

"No, I'm saying that because the bigger you get, the taller our son's going to be," Nathan muttered.

"So it's alright if I look like a weeble wobble as long as our son can dunk a basketball?"

"Basically," Nathan teased before winking at her.

"He's gonna play with me. I'm gonna share my toys," Faith grinned.

"Well, that's nice of you," Haley smiled pleased.

"I don't think –"

"I have lots of dolls," Faith continued. "He can play with them."

Nathan quickly glanced at a giggling Haley. Haley shrugged at him before going back to folding clothes. Nathan crossed his arms over his chest before looking out the window once again. He'd have to make sure to buy lots of boy toys.

The sound of Faith singing had him smiling. He was glad that he had taken the week off. Haley and Jamie had just started summer vacation and he wanted to be home with them. He hadn't been working much lately and most days he stayed at home and worked up in his office. He liked it better that way. He got to be close to the kids and Haley. He wanted to be here if Haley needed him.

Plus, he loved being close to his wife.

"Our son just got his first kiss," Nathan stated smugly as he watched Madison kiss Jamie for a few seconds before she took off walking towards her house.

"Uh-uh!"

Haley was at his side a few seconds later with a hand on her belly as she glanced out the window. Jamie stood there watching Madison walk away. Nathan couldn't help but grin.

"That's my boy."

"He's only ten," Haley muttered before elbowing him in the side.

Nathan chuckled. "Hey, she kissed him."

Haley opened her mouth to say more but the sound of Faith making kissing noises had them both turning. She held two of her dolls together. Haley smiled before glancing up at Nathan. The smug grin was completely off his face and he had a somber look.

"She's never leaving the house," Nathan decided.

"Well, in seven years from now she'll be Jamie's age and she just might –"

"Don't even say it," Nathan muttered quickly. "I guess I should tell Clay about what I just saw."

"He's going to want to kill Jamie," Haley pointed out.

Nathan nodded. "I know. We'll keep the back door locked from now on."

The front door opened and they both watched as Jamie walked inside with his basketball in his hands. They both smiled before moving a little away from the window so that Jamie didn't think they were spying on him. Jamie seemed like he was in a daze.

"Everything ok, Jim Jam?"

"Yeah," Jamie muttered distractedly as he marched up the stairs.

"Ten years old," Haley sighed. "What is it with you Scott boys?"

"We have a gift," Nathan grinned. "And _lots_ of charm. We're kind of irresistible."

"Says the guy who wouldn't talk to me when we were in high school," Haley teased.

"Why wouldn't you talk to Momma?" Faith questioned as she stood in front of them. Her head was tilted back so that she could look up at them. Nathan lifted her in his arms.

"He was scared," Haley whispered with a playful smile.

"I was not scared to talk to you."

"But why?"

"Why?" Haley repeated teasingly.

"Didn't you like Mommy?"

"Didn't you like me, Nathan? I was so nice to you."

"Stop that," Nathan chuckled. "I loved your Mom. She was very pretty but she had an ogre of a boyfriend."

"Like Shrek?" Faith questioned with huge eyes.

"Meaner," Nathan muttered as Haley rolled her eyes. "And he didn't like daddy very much."

"But why?"

"I don't know," Nathan grinned. "Probably because Mommy liked _me _better than him."

"I did," Haley agreed.

Faith giggled. "I'm glad you liked Daddy better." She then hugged him tight.

"I'm glad, too."

Haley grinned at him before lacing their fingers together. She brought their hands up to her lips and kissed his.

Meeting Haley had been the best thing that ever happened to him. It brought them here, to this moment, and he didn't want to be anywhere else. This was where he belonged, together with Haley and their kids.

* * *

Nathan woke up slowly as he felt warm hands run up his chest. His eyes fluttered open and he only had time to grin at Haley before she was kissing him. They had an amazing sex life but with Haley being pregnant it was better than ever. He couldn't complain.

She kissed him hard as her hand slipped inside of his boxers and took hold of him. In an instant he was hard. He groaned into her mouth as he ran his fingers through her hair and pulled her more into him.

His eyes fluttered open for a second to make sure that the door was closed. When he noticed that it was, he kissed Haley deeper.

"I want you," Nathan growled as he reached down to pull off her shirt. When his hand felt nothing but her soft creamy skin under the sheet he almost lost it. The fact that she was already naked was almost more than he could take.

"Please," Haley laughed softly as she kissed his jaw. "I'm huge and –"

"Perfect," Nathan cut her off. "You're perfect. So beautiful."

His hand reached out and caressed her huge stomach. Haley had always been beautiful to him and pregnancy didn't change that. If anything it made her more beautiful to him.

"Sexy," Nathan muttered as he pushed a few strains of hair out of her face. "I love you."

"I love you," Haley whispered back. "So, so much."

"Show me," Nathan teased.

Haley laughed. "That's my line."

"And? I want you to show me," Nathan grinned.

"I plan to."

"What time did you come to bed?" Nathan questioned before kissing her neck.

"Not that long ago," Haley breathed as she held him to her. "Brooke kept me on the phone forever. She's almost two weeks late. Her doctor will have to do something if the babies don't come in a few days. She's so uncomfortable and really, really huge."

"Twins," Nathan muttered.

"We're gonna have fun watching them with two babies," Haley laughed softly.

"Yeah. I'm glad we're having one. One at a time. Two would be…"

"So hard to deal with at once," Haley finished for him. "But they'll do just fine."

"I'm sure."

Haley was above him a few seconds later. He placed his hands on her belly as he gazed up at her. He felt his heart pounding in his chest as so many different emotions rushed through him like they always did when he gazed at her. So much love, pride that she had chosen to spend the rest of her life with him, and such happiness. Boy was he happy.

Before either of them could move the phone rang. Nathan glanced at the clock before reaching on his nightstand for the phone.

"It's late," Haley muttered as she quickly took the phone from his hand. "Hello."

"Who is it?" Nathan questioned as he glanced up at his wife. It was seconds later when she hung up the phone and smiled at him.

"It's time," Haley smiled happily. "Brooke's in labor."

"Yeah?" Nathan smiled. "We should get to the hospital." He went to help her off of him.

"Not so fast," Haley muttered. "We have time. We don't have to be there right away."

"I suppose," Nathan grinned. "I mean, if that's what you want."

Haley smiled back. "Oh yeah."

"Well, since you're my wife and the mother of my beautiful children, I think its best that I give you _whatever_ you want."

"Glad to hear it," Haley sighed happily. "I love you, Nathan."

"Haley Scott, you have no idea," Nathan grinned. "Now, I think you were about to _show _me just how much you love me?"

"That I was."

They gazed at each other happily, lovingly. Nathan reached up and caressed her cheek with one hand as the other stayed placed on her belly. It didn't matter what life had planned for them. He knew that they'd get through everything together. When you loved someone as much as they loved each other, you could get through anything. Their love was simply stronger than anything. All they needed was each other and their family. As he gazed up at his wife, he knew that he was the luckiest man on the planet.


End file.
